Lucky Sevens

Seven things you should know:

1. I've started like six blog posts over the last week, all of which were discarded.

2. We're all gung-ho for Doctor Who around here lately. I fear I'm getting nerdier as I get older cuz I think that show is ten kinds of fun.

3. I watched most of an episode of The Bachelorette the other night. I'm pretty sure my soul got herpes or something. Though that might have been a side-effect of flipping between that and I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here. Yeesh, that's some vile stuff there. Don't mix meds, kids.

4. I am seriously (like for serious) trying to get an audition for Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, but only because I want to look Meredith in the eyes and ask her point-blank, "Do you hate this job? Cuz it seems like you do." Also, I want to win a million dollars.

5. You've seen Candace's new print, right?

6. The other night I blacked out while watching a Seinfeld rerun. When I woke up, there was an empty bag of cheese puffs and my hands were all orange. I have no recollection of devouring the puffs, but I must have. I think I might be a werewolf or something, although my basketball skills haven't improved, so maybe not. In any case, it's obvious I am not to be trusted around cheese puffs. Lock them up!

7. Finally, this will blow your mind to pieces. You're welcome.

Things To Do Before I Die

1. Eat 100 tacos in one sitting.
2. Scrawl the word "poop" in a secret place on all of the seven wonders of the world.
3. Two words: time travel.
4. Give hugs.
5. Kill Dracula. And this time, make sure he's dead.
6. Perform on Broadway. And by "perform" I mean "vomit uncontrollably."
7. Defeat negativity through the power of interpretive dance and also samurai swords.
8. Not get Bubonic Plague.
9. Three words: boneless buffalo wings.
10. Never grow a mustache. Not even as a joke.
11. Survive being gored by a moose.
12. Live forever.

My Birthday Present To You

So yeah, I'm 32 years old today. Woo hoo! And, I don't want to brag or anything, but I have managed to accumulate a lot of knowledge about stuff and stuff. One could say that my knowledge of stuff is vast. I also like sharing. So, why not kill two birds with one stone and share my vast knowledge of stuff with you, you beautiful so & so's? So as follows are 32 things I've learned over the last 32 years. Consider it a present from me to you. And there is no receipt, so if it doesn't fit, tough. Re-gift it or something. I don't know. Not my problem. I just give, y'know?

1. Don't listen to the rabble: you can have your cake and eat it too. You just can't keep the fork.
2. The world is full of cool. Cool people, cool things, cool ideas. Live your life so that one day you will die of a cool overdose.
3. When all else fails, there's always break-dancing.
4. Be thankful for everything.
5. Nothing is better than live music. Well, except for a nice, cold Mr. Pibb and live music.
6. If you can't say anything nice, just mutter it under you breath.
7. Sometimes it's okay to say to the world "Where the H are the flippin' jetpacks? I was promised jetpacks."
8. Stop and smell the roses. But watch out for the dog crap.
9. It's a common view that God is some sort of cosmic cop who's just waiting for you to get out of line so he can bust your nose. This is a lie. He is our Father and wants us to be happy.
10. It's a dog eat dog world out there, so thank goodness you're not a dog or you'd have been reduced to cannibalism by now.
11. The admonition to "Keep your arms inside the ride at all times." should be fastidiously obeyed.
12. Read as many books as you can.
13. Nobody likes a tattle-tale. Also, nobody likes to be called a tattle-tale.
14. No matter what you're going through, remember that it could always be worse. You could be having to fight off zombie hordes on top of whatever else you're going through.
15. Art is rad.
16. It's not your Words Per Minute, it's which words you type.
17. If you got something in your head, you gotta get it out. Otherwise it gets stuck in there and infection can set in. Yuck.
18. Robots are not your friends. They are cold, electrically-powered killing machines. You have every right to be terrified.
19. Take the road less traveled. The other one's a toll road and it's poorly paved.
20. Cartoons.
21. If you must kick it, kick it old school.
22. A little Harry Nilsson can fix almost anything. I'd recommend starting with "The Lottery Song" and working out from there.
23. Worrying never solved anything. Except how to win at the Worry-lympics.
24. Don't act like you're all cool just cuz you listen to jazz. Jazz is not cool.
25. Bruce Lee.
26. Be nice to other people. Even those people who really deserve it.
27. Fingernails just keep on growing. Totally sucks, I know, but it's better than being dead, right?
28. Kids are pretty awesome, except for when they're trying to make you insane.
29. I always assume that if I don't get it at first, then it is awesome. It's worked for me so far.
30. Buddy Holly was pretty bad-A.
31. There is nothing wrong with pretending you have superpowers, just don't start wearing your underwear on the outside of your pants and start punching people for kicks.
32. If you love somebody and they love you too, you're pretty much set. Everything else is gravy.

Hope this helps. Peace.

My Crew Is 2 Live

If you are going to, as the kids these days say, "roll with my krew," there are certain things you must "be down with." Certain things are just non-negotiable if we're going to be "homies," as it were. In most relationships, these things are discovered gradually, but we have no time for that. I have no time for that. I am a busy person with many important things to attend to. These buffalo wings aren't going to eat themselves. We live in the digital age and things have to happen fastfastfast, so I have prepared this short list of things you must know if you're going to pal around with a "baller" like me.

* The first two B-52's albums, The B-52's and Wild Planet, are two of the greatest collections of pop music ever produced by man or beast.

* When I say "Let's dance," you had better dance. If that means we throw down in the middle of the supermarket, right next to the Pop Tarts and oatmeals, then so be it.

* You cannot convince me that Muppets are not real. Don't even try. They are real. End of story.

* If you fall it's comedy. If I fall, it's tragedy. Don't mix them up.

* If we are out and about and we should happen to see the people responsible for the Steve Martin Pink Panther movies - up to and including Mr. Martin himself - you are bound by duty to join me in beating them senseless. America demands it.

* Yes, I do want to read your manuscript, but only if it involves an insurance salesman facing down against zombie cyborg panda bears in a postapocalyptic wasteland that uncannily resembles central Wyoming, circa 1973. Also, it must include at least one usage of the phrase, "heaving bosoms."

* DO NOT, under any circumstance, talk during Lost unless it's to say "Holy crap, this show is insane." If you are on fire, it will have to wait until the commercial. Show some class.

* It is considered impolite to giggle when I say "Fo shizzle."

* Never forget that Bruce Lee wins in any game of "Who Would Win In A Fight?"

* When we are riding two on a bike, I call "perma-dibs" on the handlebars. It makes me feel like I'm being chauffeured around.

* I only listen to "Freedom Rock," and I require it to be "turn[ed] up, man" at all times.

* My favorite color is orange, my favorite food is buffalo wings, my favorite Monkee is Mike and my favorite animal is an animal with the head of a dolphin, the body of a lion, the tail of a dragon, the front legs of a sasquatch and the hind legs of a certified public accountant. It also has a unicorn's horn. I call this animal "Mortimer." "Mort" for short.

* That last part rhymed. You should probably laugh right now.

* If you happen to interrupt me while non-ironically enjoying Hanson's "Mmmbop" you must swear by all that is good, holy and pure in this world or the next to never tell anyone. Not a soul. Not even if a judge deposes you. If you must risk perjury and subsequent imprisonment in order to take my secret to the grave and possibly beyond, so be it. Otherwise I will cry. A lot.

* It wouldn't hurt if you referred to me by my DJ name every now and the: DJ Mad Fresh Funky Skillz Ice Cube Vanilla Frosting Rappinghood the Illest Fo Shizzle. Try it. Just once? See, that wasn't so hard, was it?

And it's "Fresh Funky Skillz," not "Funky Fresh Skillz." I'll let it slide this time, but next time ... well, let's not think about that, right?

My 2009 To Do List

Write that story I've been kicking around but is finally starting to come together. You know the one I mean.

Ask my brothers: "Are we doing this Writing Race thing or what?"

Mixtape monthly. Start the Monthly Mixtape Brigade. Who's in?

Start an Etsy shop with a rad name. Clothespin superheroes? Books? Posters/paper products? What else?

Do a collage every quarter, at least.

Attend the temple at least twice.

Chill out more. Stress less.

Read a book a month.

Try not to talk about Star Wars so much.

Play my guitar more than once every couple of years.

Movies with Ryan? Are we doing this thing or what?

Take more photos.

Laugh more. Cry less.

Record an album of Hall & Oates covers entitled Man Eaterz.

Do amazing work.

Realize how lucky I am daily.

Kill a grizzly bear with my bare hands.

Find some way to serve. Other than by killing grizzly bears with my bare hands.

Lose like, 10 pounds. Yeah, that seems doable.

Write my dad that letter I've been meaning to write him.

Learn karate.

Forget karate.

Relearn karate.

Fight someone with karate.

Go on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire and win some money, honey.

Reader Interviews = on like Donkey Kong.

Beat Donkey Kong.

Two words: Sticker. Graffiti.

Be more interesting and more interested.

Work on my Unauthorized Autobiography Sticky Note comic.

Try to not eat so much pork.

Maybe do some woodblocking? Screen printing?

End Pat Sajack's reign of terror once and for all with a well-placed wooden stake, some garlic and a crucifix.

Be less lame. Be more awesome.

Possible Titles For Future Projects

* Let's Explode the Pyramids, Baby
* That One Time
* Prestidigitation
* It Sleeps Underneath
* What The Don't Tell You About Being President
* Nursery Rhymes For the Coming Apocalypse
* Teethmouth
* I Can't Believe You Believed Me When I Told You I Believed You (Can You Believe That?)
* The Beast With A Million Elbows
* 101 Uses For Twine
* Broccoli Breath
* The Wolfman's Daughter
* I Want To Cover Everything I See In Christmas Lights; Is That So Wrong?
* The Band Played All Your Favorite Hits, Only They Played Them All Wrong
* Hepcat Shuffle
* They Breathe
* Up the Tower Of Tears
* Bloodwater
* I Killed Elvis Presley: The Barry Manilow Story
* Teenage Trees
* Unforgiveable Radness
* You Told Me Eleven
* Octopus Rock
* Lessons Learned From Drying Paint
* Toss Out Two-Thirds; The Rest Can Be Salvaged
* Horses In Haunted Hotels
* Sawed-In-Half-Girl
* Cactus Crime
* The Only Thing You Can Remember About That Thing You Forgot Is That It's Very Important
* Troubadours Of Venus, Lend Me Your Ears
* P O O F !

I Put the "Me" In "Meme"

As a fully-deputized agent of the Internet, it is my duty to pounce on every single little meme that comes along, no matter how old and crusty it may be. So, without further ado, here's my 50 Things I Love About Comics (In No particular Order):

1. The Madman Of Snap City
2. Mutant street beatniks
3. The X-gene
4. Archaeologists Of the Strange
5. Ramona Flowers' Evil Ex-boyfriends
6. Street Angel
7. Batman: Year One
8. Paul Pope's inky lines
9. Nextwave: Agents Of H.A.T.E. versus evil broccoli men
10. M.O.D.O.K.
11. M.O.D.A.M.
12. When Buddy Baker looks out at you, the reader, in Animal Man
13. Art Adams drawing pretty much anything
14. That mansion on Greymalkin Lane
15. Doctor Strange's fingers
16. AIM's bee-keeper uniforms
17. Concrete in general
18. The Mount Everest story in particular
19. There's a 13-year-old in me that still thinks The Dark Knight Returns is the greatest piece of literature the Western world has ever produced.
20. Seaguy
21. Chubby Da Choona
22. The Mummy On the Moon
23. The Wasps Of Atlantis
24. The Fantastic Four
25. Particularly when they're going to Atlantis and Reed gives them this chewing gum that will help them to breathe underwater. Completely ludicrous, yet somehow genius.
26. The ever-lovin' blue eyed idol of millions, Benjamin Grimm. Even Pineapple Thing. Especially the Pineapple Thing.
27. Grant Morrison's love note to the Marvel U: Marvel Boy
28. X-Force/X-Statix
29. Doop!
30. The Orphan playing Russian Roulette every night before bed
31. That issue of Global Frequency where the people all think they've seen an angel and they all go crazy.
32. The fact that there is literally no limit to what can happen on a page.
33. Jordan Crane's The Clouds Above
34. Jay Stephens
35. Parademons
36. Celestials
37. Hellboy punching out a giant Nazi cyborg gorilla
38. Little Nemo
39. The Doom Patrol
40. The Brotherhood Of Dada
41. The existential horror lurking beneath every single panel of Peanuts.
42. Fake swearing symbols.
43. The Far Side. Seriously, it shaped me in ways I can't explain.
44. Bullets fired backward through time.
45. The Shadow King, even if he is sort of a lame Freddie Kreuger rip-off.
46. Those dumb Marvel "_____head" nicknames: Ol' Shellhead, Webhead, Hornhead, etc.
47. Jeff Smith's Bone
48. Nick Freaking Fury.
49. Alan Moore's Supreme: Best. Superman comics. Ever.
50. The Hulk's purple ripped pants. Seriously, purple?

My Brain Is Bigger Now Than It Was Then

The following is a list of things I learned this weekend, in no particular order:

1. Death Cab For Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard is a lot skinnier than I thought he was. And poor Chris Walla, dude is the ever-lovin' backbone of that group but nobody knows who he is. And BTW, the Death Cab set freaking rocked! I was seriously expecting a much more mellow affair, but they pretty much tore the roof off the Plain Dealer Pavilion. Candace has a pretty awesome picture here. It was a great night.

2. There are two white tent performing arts amphitheaters in the Flats. One is the Time Warner Amphitheater and it's on the east side of the Cuyahoga River, near Tower City. The other is the Plain Dealer Pavilion and it's on the west side of the river in the Flats proper. If you mix them up, you're screwed and will miss the opening act of the concert (sorry, Rogue Wave) you are attending and you will be more than a little irritated because you thought you knew where you were going but in fact, you did not. Because you are stupid and didn't Google Map it first.

Duh.

3. Barbecue pork sandwiches are delicious.

4. I love being a dad. I love my wife and I love my girls. They're the bestest ever.

5. There's a band that sounds so much like late 60's-early 70's Beach Boys that it is freaking spooky. Their debut album is this week's AOK!: The Explorers Club's Freedom Wind.

I'd love to label them all a bunch of unoriginal hacks, but they're too dang good and obviously reverential to the ghost of Brian Wilson to be dismissed. If you love the Beach Boys like I do (And you really should. Seriously, go find a copy of Wild Honey, Pet Sounds or Smile and prepare for a solid mind-blowing), go check them out. It's eerie. It's like seeing someone who looks like someone you know but you know it's not that person and you keep trying to tell yourself "Well, it can't be that person because the eyes are the wrong color but dang! They look exactly like that other person I know! This is so eerie!"

It's like that.

6. This whole blog phenomenon is really taking off. Seriously, folks, it's going to be HUGE! I predict that in five years, everyone in the whole world will have a blog. Everyone. And not just those Early Adopters John, Ben and Brandt. Ehv. Ree. Wun. Get on this fad now before it's not cool anymore.

7. Also going to be huge: Hypercolor shirts. You heard it here first.

8. And speaking of Early Adopters, I learned how to use the torrents this weekend. I am now the Torrent Master™. The Internets has no idea what is about to hit it.

9. That new Mike Myers movie looks really terrible, doesn't it? Like "I think that trailer gave me eye herpes," terrible.

10. Who watches the Tony awards? Seriously? Anybody wanna cop to it? I promise I won't make too much fun of you. I watched roughly 2.5 seconds of it as I was flipping through and it gave me gas. Me + Musicals = Not A Good Scene.

11. So, how awesome is Burn After Reading looking? Brad Pitt, John Malkovich, George Clooney, that creepy albino lady Tilda Swinton, Frances McDormand (of course), plus the always reliable J.K. Simmons and ... (wait for it) ... the dude who played Sledge Hammer!, quite possibly my favorite show on television, ever. There's a "red band" trailer (with some swearing - you have been warned!) here. Oh man, I so love the Coen brothers.

12. TV sure does suck this summer, doesn't it? Is there anything worth watching that isn't a repeat? And if you say American Gladiators I swear I will punch you in the throat as hard as humanly possible. That's right, I will punch you THROUGH THE INTERNET! It's my mutant power and it's more useful than you'd think.

13. Looks like I won't be bothering with M. Night Shammalammading-dong's The Happening. Poor guy. He's like the cool guy in high school who peaked way too early and you see him like ten years later at the grocery store or something and he's all bald and unkempt and smelly and just generally depressing but totally unaware that he's not cool anymore. Poor guy. I feel for him, really I do.

14. Cleveland had a pretty happening proto-punk scene in the 70's. I actually knew this but had forgotten until I was reading about teh US proto-punk scene in Clinton Heylin's (so far) excellent Babylon's Burning: From Punk To Grunge. I'd recommend his From the Velvets To the Voidoids: The Birth of American Punk Rock and Bootleg: The Secret History of the Other Recording Industry to any aspiring rock and roll history student. Seriously, if I could read about rock and roll for the rest of my life, I'd be happy. Is that weird?

15. Nobody loves Haiku Friday. This makes me sad. Please won't you love it? Please?

16. I love my dad. A lot. He probably can't beat up your dad, but he'd give it his best shot. Because that's how he rolls.

What did you learn this weekend? Please share with the class.

...

And that's it for the lists. [ phew ] Now, onto LETTERS!

If you haven't put in your A to Z list, then by all means do so now, because once April hits, the doors are closing and the Funky Train is pulling from Radopolis Station. Make sure you're on board. Big thanks to everyone who's given me lists already. You guys rule.

March Of the Lists - #31

1. 2001: A Space Odyssey
2. About A Boy
3. American Graffiti
4. Annie Hall
5. Bananas
6. Bandits
7. Best In Show
8. The Big Lebowski
9. Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure
10.Bottle Rocket
11. Cast Away
12. Chinatown
13. Chungking Express
14. The Conversation
15. Cool Hand Luke
16. Crimes And Misdemeanors
17. E.T.
18. Ed Wood
19. Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind
20. FLCL (aka: Fooly Cooly)
21. The Fountain
22. Ghostbusters
23. The Godfather / The Godfather, Part II
24. The Goonies
25. Gremlins
26. Grosse Pointe Blank
27. In The Mood For Love
28. The Incredibles
29. Raiders / Temple Of Doom / Last Crusade
30. Interiors
31. Jurassic Park
32. The Last Waltz
33. Mary Poppins
34. Minority Report
35. Napoleon Dynamite
36. O Brother, Where Art Thou?
37. Play It Again, Sam
38. The Princess Bride
39. Raising Arizona
40. Rebel Without A Cause
41. The Royal Tenenbaums
42. Rushmore
43. Seven Samurai
44. A New Hope / Empire / Jedi
45. The Straight Story
46. Take The Money And Run
47. This Is Spinal Tap
48. Tremors
49. True Stories
50. Unbreakable
51. Waiting For Guffman
52. Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory
53. Zero Effect

March Of the Lists - #30

1. United States
2. Canada
3. United Kingdom
4. Norway
5. Japan
6. India
7. Germany
8. Italy
9. Russia
10. Australia
11. Bulgaria
12. Costa Rica
13. Mexico
14. France
15. Taiwan

March Of the Lists - #29

1. Madman Atomic Comics #s 6 & 7
2. Immortal Iron Fist #13
3. G.I. Joe #49 (old school, baby)
4. 20 Swedish meatballs with gravy, potatoes & lingonberries
5. All-Star Superman #10

*******

ETA: I added a bunch of answers to previous lists. I think I got through #26. Numbers 27 through 29 still need some answerin', though.

March Of the Lists - #28

1. The Hot Potato
2. Boogaloo
3. The Baconator
4. Deputy Dawg
5. Awesomealicious
6. Hot Cross Buns
7. Crocodile Funkee

*******

Don't forget to leave your A-Z list. Please won't you?

March Of the Lists - #27

1. Black
2. Red
3. Kidney
4. Navy
5. Great Northern
6. Baby Lima
7. Large Lima
8. Pinto
9. Green Split
10. Dried Yellow Split
11. Black Eyed
12. Dried Red
13. Dried Green
14. Dried Brown
15. Dried Cranberry

March Of the Lists - #26

1. Despite all my sci-fi talk, I am terrified of the idea of machines gaining sentience.
2. I threw up in an Olive Garden restaurant (the one on Nellis & Charleston, next to that Dylan's Saloon) while on a date with my lovely future wife. I rinsed my mouth out and finished up the date. I haven't eaten at Olive Garden since and I got the girl. There's a lesson there somewhere.
3. While I will vilify McDonald's every chance I get, I do so love a sausage McMuffin with egg every now and then.
4. I cannot not watch You've Got Mail if it's on. I try and make myself believe it's because of the Nilsson music that serves as the core of the soundtrack, but I know otherwise.
5. I really like "The Piña Colada Song". Like as in "not entirely ironically."
6. Those emo boy skinny jeans - I !@#$%^&* hates 'em. They make me feel violently angry. "Hulk Smash!" angry.
7. Even though I know they're not good movies, I'll be darned if I didn't enjoy large swatches of the Star Wars prequels.

March Of the Lists - #25

1. Nice morning & evening walk
2. Read a book
3. Be nice to the earth
4. The sound
5. Relatively inexpensive
6. Headphones on/music blaring
7. Big city feeling

March Of the Lists - #23

1. The Kraken
2. Godzilla Babies (like Muppet Babies, only Godzilla)
3. Attila the Hun
4. The Vile Hordes of Atlantis
5. Mummies
6. Cherry trees
7. Zombies
8. Werevolves
9. Martian Invaders
10. Celebrity gossip shows
11. Hungry, hungry hippos
12. Redcoats who were exposed to cosmic radiation, gained superpowers, and went berserk, wrecking the cites of Saratoga and Yorktown
13. Mesothelioma

March Of the Lists - #22

1. Guided by Voices - 374
2. Spoon - 285
3. Bob Dylan - 271
4. The Beach Boys - 254
5. The Beatles - 231
6. Yo La Tengo - 229
7. R.E.M. - 217
8. They Might Be Giants - 209
9. Super Furry Animals - 208
10. Sloan - 185
11. The Flaming Lips - 170
12. Pavement - 167
13. of Montreal - 166
14. Wilco - 164
15. Ryan Adams - 164
16. David Bowie - 154
17. Talking Heads - 151
18. Tom Waits - 145
19. Beck - 144
20. Elliott Smith - 144
21. David Byrne - 141

March Of the Lists - #21

1. Penelope Cruz
2. Anne Hathaway
3. Katie Sackhoff (aka "Starbuck")
4. Kate Hudson
5. Lucy Liu

March Of the Lists - #24

Super easy, but I thought it my duty as an American to respond to Patti's recent list:

1. Harvey Birdman, Attorney At Law
2. Space Ghost: Coast to Coast
3. Futurama
4. Home Movies
5. The Critic
6. FLCL
7. Seasons 3-8 of The Simpsons
8. Venture Brothers

Take that, Communism!