Questions To Ask Yourself

1. What if, after the everything falls apart, it all gets better than before?
2. Am I part of the problem?
3. If a tree falls in the forest while a deaf bear is pooping there and clapping his one hand while meanwhile, the Pope wears a funny hat, will the universe implode?
4. When will I realize that I will have to make the time to do all the awesome things I want to do?
5. It it totally uncool to admit that Coldplay's not that bad?
6. Am I ready for the new golden age?
7. Who put the "bomp" in the "bomp-sha-bomp-sha-bomp."
8. Is it the same person who put the "ram," in the "ramma-lamma-ding-dong"?
9. Am I beckoning the doom or bringing the sunshine?
10. Why can't Ewoks be real?
11. Is there a more boring show on television than The Sarah Connor Chronicles?
12. How come french fries gotta taste so good?

Quest for Questions

A while back, I invited readers to be interviewed by myself. More recently, I sent out a number of questionnaires to those of you who volunteered and have, as of right now, received two back. And that's great. (NOTE: But please, fill it out and send it back. Also, don't forget to include a photo or something with your face on it to go with your answers. Extra credit for hilarious/excellent images.)

Now, I've always heard that you should never ask people to do anything you wouldn't not do yourself. Which is why I butcher my own animals, make my own glue and grow my own Pop Tarts. So, what follows are my answers to my questionnaire.


Name
Dylan Todd

Hometown
Las Vegas, NV, but now I hang my hat in Cleveland, OH. That means I live in Cleveland.

Occupation
I design graphics. Hopefully they are awesome graphics.

Favorite Type Of Donut
The chocolate cake-y glazed ones.

Would you rather be mauled by a bear, stung to death by bees or eaten by a shark? Why?
The shark. It'd be the quickest, I think, though being mauled by a bear is a heckuva way to go.

If your life were a song, what song would it be?
Talking Heads' "Naive Melody." Either that or DJ Jazzy Jeff & the Fresh Prince's "Parents Just Don't Understand."

If you could only watch one film for the rest of your life, what would it be?
Probably Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory. The 70's version. With Gene Wilder. Not the Johnny Depp-as-Michael Jackson Tim Burton one.

If you had your way, where would you live out the rest of your days and how?
I'm not sure I've found the perfect place just yet, but I will tell you this: it will be warm, big-ish, have cool shops and a lot of places to hear live music and eat delicious food. So far, that looks like Austin, TX, but we shall see. Any tips on this one?

What would your like your tombstone read? (Don't worry, I'm not going to kill you)
"BRB"

The Three Stooges or the Marx Brothers?
Marx Brothers, by a country mile.

What three TV shows can you not miss?
30 Rock, Lost and, uh, The FringeOffice.

If you could erase one social problem with the flick of yr wrist, what would it be and why?
Child abuse. That one reeeeally bums me out. If there's a news story on it, I have to leave the room or risk being depressed for days. Then I'd flick away poverty, ignorance, unkindness and finally, people complaining in bank and post office lines.

Who was your earliest remembered crush?
Punky Brewster.

What five things do you hope people know or think about you?
* Despite my strong opinions on anything (and everything) from politics to home furnishings, we can still agree to disagree. I just like debating.
* I love my family. Like, the most.
* Half of what I say is meaningless.
* That the time I was escorted out of that Chuck E. Cheese's was a total misunderstanding and I apologize for punching Chuck E. in the face and calling the Rock-A-Fire Explosion a "bunch of animatronic fascists." But seriously, if you don't want adults in the ball pit, you should probably post a sign or something.
* I really just want everybody to have a good time. Be excellent to each other. "Love thy neighbor." All that stuff.

What three things are you terrified that people know or think about you?
* That I'm a totally rude, obnoxious, stupid, blowhard bore that they barely tolerate.
* That I sort of maybe liked "Mmmbop" more than a little bit.
* That I am not really all that sorry about the whole Chuck E. Cheese fiasco. Or, as it is known in our household, "Chuck E. Gate."

The Stones or the Who?
Y'know, up until a few years ago, I'd have said the Who, easily, but now, as I've gotten a little older and my musical palette has expanded a little, it'd be a tough battle. In the end, the Who produced Quadrophenia and Who's Next, so they win.

If you could have any super power (flight, x-ray vision, the ability to talk to undersea creatures, etc.), what would it be and why?
The power to summon huge flocks (are they called flocks? According to WikiAnswers, they're called either a swarm or a rabble. Who knew? The Internets, that's who!) of butterflies and then to command said group of butterflies to do my bidding. Hopefully I would use this great power in the service of the greater good, but I make no promises.

What is the deal with airline food?
I have no idea. I have never eaten an airline meal. Maybe this is why I don't think Jerry Seinfeld's stand-up is all that funny. Maybe if I had eaten an airline meal, I'd find his insights into such matters piercing rather than pedestrian. His show though, his show is gold.

What is your greatest unrealized ambition?
I want to write a novel and record an album of obscure covers called Best. Mixtape. Ever. I want to cold-cock a grizzly bear, throat-punch a shark and karate chop a swarm of bees in half. I want to see a Caravaggio up close and personal, stroll the Parthenon at sunset and enjoy a homegrown Pop Tart on the red hills of Mars. I want to Rock. Also, I wouldn't mind a little Roll.

Most embarassing moment ever. Go!
We were heading to see Bod Dylan at the House Of Blues in Mandalay Bay and who should be walking the opposite way as us with some random blonde? It was Luke Wilson! So I say to him, "Hey! You're Luke Wilson!" Which is just a stupid thing to say. I mean, *he* knows he's Luke Wilson, right? Duh. Why I felt like I needed to point this out to him, I have no idea.

He sort of wrinkled up his brow, obviously confused why anyone would say that to him, gave me a half-hearted nod and kept walking. Candace couldn't stop making fun of me.

And you know what, I deserved it.

Questions For Myself

What follows is a list of questions I find myself asking, um ... myself.

"Could I care less about anything related to American Idol?"

"Are there a more loathsome and irritating group of people than mainstream superhero comics fans?"

"Why in the world did George Lucas think it was an even remotely good idea to have that two-headed podrace announcer in The Phantom Menace?"

"Where can I find a decent, pre-owned disco ball around here?"

"How do h-h-human beings survive in this c-c-c-coldness?"

"Why did nobody tell me that Gouda cheese was so amazing? Why am I almost 32 years old and I'm just now finding this out? Seriously, people, how is this happening?!"

"Is 'Gouda' capitalized?"

"Does anybody listen to the mixes I post?"

"Why does the Chris Haley hate Garfield so much?"

"Why do my girls love to destroy everything in their path?"

"What am I getting for Christmas? Is it a pony? Two ponies?"

Solving the Unsolved Mystery

Rose got it. The Mystery Man is revealed:



Thanks to everybody who played along. And thanks to the budding artist who drew some vaguely 70's rocker dude with a mustache and decided it looked most like Eric Clapton. Wherever you are, thank you. You have made the Internet a slightly more interesting place.

Friday Five Is Alive!

So last Friday I was out living my rock & roll lifestyle and was not in the office like all day long. So when I checked in on my Feeds that night, it was insane. I blazed through them and consequently missed the fact that Rose had tagged me with some thing called The Friday Five. I felt like a total d-bag when I realized I'd completely ignored her tagging. And I am not a d-bag. I'm a lot of things, but a d-bag is not one of them. So, citizens of the Internet, here is my answer to the Friday Five:

1. What car would you pick of someone were to buy you any car in the world?
Either the 60's Batmobile or the Spider-buggy. Or the Millennium Falcon.

2. Do you prefer to read or watch TV? why?
I prefer to read while I watch TV. Because I multitask. Plus, it makes the books that much better. I mean, how boring would Great Expectations be without that part when Mister Belvedere helped Wesley with the spelling bee or when Miss Havisham adopted Alf and then B.A. busts in and yells "I ain't gettin' on no plane!"? There's a reason it's considered a classic, folks.

3. What is your favorite form of exercise (if any)? why?
I like to do lid-ups. It's an eyelid exercise. Basically, it involves blinking as fast as you can for 90 minutes. I usually do about 20 reps of that a day. It's intense.

4. If you could try one illegal drug and not suffer any life-threatening side effects, what would it be?
Monkey tears.
Why?
I heard that after you take it (it's injected via the elbow), you can only speak in adverbs. And I like adverbs. Some would say that I love adverbs. And "Some" is right. We're getting married once it becomes legal to marry parts of speech. I heard Vermont's close to passing legislation. Cross yr fingers! You're all invited to the wedding! It's going to be on a beach in Ibiza. I'll be the one wearing the floor-length otter pelt tunic and the helmet made of chewed-up Starburst candies. I know, it's a little traditional, but what can I say? I'm old-fashioned like that.

5. If you had to give away all of your possessions but could keep just one, what would you keep and why?
My drawing of this guy, whose identity is still a mystery.

*******

So how does this work, Rose? Am I supposed to tag people or make up new questions or what? I suck at the Internet. Please advise.

Binary Questions

So far, nobody's guessed the identity of the mystery man. So, we're going to play 20-ish Questions in the comments section. Ask me any "yes" or "no" question. First to guess it, gets it. Let's rock.

Quest For the Conquest Of the Questions Of the Planet Of the Apes Of Tomorrow

Everybody's answering reader questions these days. Christina started it and then Candace followed suit and now all of the sudden, the whole dang Internet has started doing it and I want to do it but if I do it I will look like a copycat instead of an, uh, original cat and I am one original cat! So, I'll be answering reader questions through the power of telepathy. That's right! Just think of a question and I will answer it ... WITH MY MIND!!! Let's roll, monkey people:

Brandt asks: Name three things that are physically close to you:
1. A glass tumbler that was previously full of Chex Mix.
2. A notepad full of notes, sketches of projects I'm working on and the Colonel's recipe. (The secret ingredient: ground up baby kitten tears. They sell them at Wal-Mart. Over by the cremes and lotions.)
3. The Ark Of the Covenant. We're gonna open it up after lunch. See what's in there. Should be fun. I'll take pictures.

Rose asks: What was the last thing you dreamed about?
I dreamed I was riding a unicorn through a field of pink roses, when suddenly it dawned on me that this unicorn, it was really my fourth grade teacher and I had neglected to go to class for the last three years, and once my father - a high-ranking midget astronaut in the Imperial Guard - found out about this, I would be flogged by masked grizzly bears with large, almost-man-sized salmon.

Also, I realized I was naked. And falling. For a long time. Thankfully I woke before I hit the spikes who were really cleverly-disguised alligators below. Thank goodness for that.

Chris asks: Do you collect anything? If so, what?
Bottle caps. Bottles. Beetles. Beatles. Locks of hair from the heads of 16th century philosophers. First edition copies of Everybody Poops. Autographed animation cells from the never-aired cartoon version of M*A*S*H. Cans of Tab. Trading cards of famous hobos, including a Blind Mississippi Mack rookie card in mint condition. No, it's not for sale.

Allen asks: Are you proud of yourself?
Sometimes.

Candace asks: What's your favorite fruity scent?
Richard Simmons. He smells like old ladies and sweat. And oldies. Either that or anything citrusy, really.

John asks: What is your favorite invention?
Bacon.

Dave asks: What do you like better: oranges or apples?
Wow. This is literally like comparing apples to oranges, Dave. But I'd have to go with oranges. Because they're citrusy-smelling. See a couple of questions ago.

Are you a good guesser?
Yes I am ... Caitlin!

Ben asks: Do you have any nicknames?
Bruiser. Maniac. Bloody Knuckles. Professor Destructo: The Ultimate Destroyer. Pickles.

Jason asks: What is your favorite animal?
The majestic narwhal. Truly yon animal is the unicorn of the briny deep.

Patti asks: What do you do when vending machines steal your
money?
I take it out on my toaster. I will not be pushed around by a machine.

Other Ben asks: What's your least favorite color?
Purpley, orangey, pinkish brown.

Emilio asks: Has a rumor even been spread about you?
There was this rumor going around that I was really Marilyn Manson. But that's total rubbish. Everybody knows that he's that kid that played Paul on The Wonder Years. Or was that Small Wonder? Anyway, he's that kid from that Wonder show from the 80's.

Jesse asks: Have you ever been to a different country?
No. Though I'd really like to visit Latveria before I die. I hear it's beautiful in the spring, when the Doombots come out to spawn.

Ryan asks: Do you believe in magic?
Yes. Magic is what makes the world go round. Literally. Seriously, Isaac Newton was a d-bag with all his "gravity this" and "gravity that" and "gravity gravitygravity." Yuck. It's magic that holds this blue and green plane in the air. Magic is what makes the sun revolve around the earth, makes crops grow and magic is what kills witches. Magic is, basically, awesome.

*******

Aaaaaand that's it. Thanks for your questions. We'll have to do this again sometime.

20 Answers

20. Do you ever want to do something great, but just can't get yourself to start it?
Yes. All the time.

19. Why do you think that is?
Fear of imperfection? Allowing an Adversary to stop me from using my talents to create? I get tired?


18. If you could have any power beyond that of mortal men, what would it be? Just one, folks.
Super speed. I have no clue why, but I think that would be the coolest to just run really fast.

17. What is wrong with crying now and then?
Nothing at all.

16. What's your favorite book and/or movie?
Geez, that's a tough one. Favorite book is probably Catcher In the Rye but I don't know. Favorite movie is, today at least, Rushmore.

15. Why?
Because both spoke to some core of my being that made me laugh and ache and, hopefully, understand myself a bit better.

14. What's your favorite planet or constellation?
Mars. I'm still holding out for us finding Martians there, big red, hulking beasts with four arms and rocky red skin. How rad would that be?

13. Would you rather be thin or famous?
Neither.

12. What place makes you feel secure?
My lady's arms. Yeah, it's cheesy, but it's true. Deal with it.

11. What's your favorite thing to eat?
Boogers. And licorice.*

10. Who do you know personally that you admire?
I admire my favorite instructor, Scott Franson. He's a funny guy who gives good, helpful, honest critiques. He also wrote and illustrated a children's picture book in his spare time. He said something once that will stick with me forever: "Don't sell your dreams." He's cool.

9. Why do spammers have such cool names?
I have no idea, but I', going to have to start stealing them for future writing projects. There was one to day that I loved, "Hilaria Ficklin." How awesome is that?

8. What song makes you smile?
Off the top of my head, "Thunderbird," by They Might Be Giants.

7. Why hate anything but vegetables?
Fear? Ignorance? Self-loathing?

6. Do you think that maybe sometimes you act like the person people expect you to act like rather than the person you want to be?
Yes. And I'm still trying to figure out if that's a bad thing.

5. How come you can never get enough sleep?
Because the universe hates you. Next question.

4. What color makes you want to skip? As in like, walking and jumping at the same time. That kind of skipping.
Orange.

3. When was the last time you had a milkshake?
It's been a while.

2. Don't you want one now?
Yes. Yes I do.

1. Who would win in a fistfight: the Incredible Hulk or Mister Rogers?
I've thought long and hard about this one. Seriously. Last night at work. After much consideration, I've got Rogers on this one. See the Hulk is only strong when he's angry, otherwise he's puny old Bruce Banner. So once Hulk starts smashing stuff, Mister Rogers just starts talking to him, really soft and nice. Next thing you know, the Hulk starts to calm down and change back to Banner. Once the transformation is complete and Banner is laying there, passed out, Rogers finishes him off, execution-style. Cuz that's how they roll in the Land of Make-Believe. Represent, fool.


*Just kidding about the licorice.

20 Questions

20. Do you ever want to do something great, but just can't get yourself to start it?

19. Why do you think that is?

18. If you could have any power beyond that of mortal men, what would it be? Just one, folks.

17. What is wrong with crying now and then?

16. What's your favorite book and/or movie?

15. Why?

14. What's your favorite planet or constellation?

13. Would you rather be thin or famous?

12. What place makes you feel secure?

11. What's your favorite thing to eat?

10. Who do you know personally that you admire?

9. Why do spammers have such cool names?

8. What song makes you smile?

7. Why hate anything but vegetables?

6. Do you think that maybe sometimes you act like the person people expect you to act like rather than the person you want to be?

5. How come you can never get enough sleep?

4. What color makes you want to skip? As in like, walking and jumping at the same time. That kind of skipping.

3. When was the last time you had a milkshake?

2. Don't you want one now?

1. Who would win in a fistfight: the Incredible Hulk or Mister Rogers?



Feel free to post your answers. Mine will be up tomorrow.