S is for "Scenes From A Motel"

Johnny Avocados adjusted his banana hammock, coughed nervously, mussed his hair and looked at his reflection in the motel mirror. He promised he'd quit after this one, "Cold turkey," he whispered to no one as he affixed the fake mustache he bought off of that off-duty DMV employee with the she-mullet and the embroidered elephants on her pink satin jacket.

His heart beat metronomically, like the wrist of a fly fishing pro or a goiter on a jogger with an enlarged thyroid. He put his hand against the cool surface of the bathroom mirror. "High fives. All around." he whispered.

*******

Margaret studied the "You Are Here" icon on the Emergency Escape Plan mounted on the back of her door. It looked like she felt: like a target. On the TV behind her and to her right, James Carville yammered on about something or other. In the war of the talking heads, we are all losers. She had no idea what he was talking about. It may as well be a diatribe on the dangers of kite flying for all Margaret knew or cared.

Margaret was burdened by the Great Eternal Truth: we're all transitory. We're all going to die someday, somehow, whether it's by accidental lobotomy, getting shivved in a prison shower by Martha Stewart or a long weekend at Neverland Ranch, eyes heavy with wine and opium.

A chewing gum commercial came on with that "Way You Walk" song by that band, Papas Fritas. Margaret had seen them in concert years ago as a student in Quebec, before everything got so scary. Before anthrax in the mail and airplanes used as bombs and removing your shoes at airports. Before now.

She sat down on the end of her bed, sobbing.

*******

"Take that ridiculous hat off. You look like a Rastafarian or something."

"Well, that shirt makes you look like an extra in a high school production of Seven Brides For Seven Brothers. And you managed to slop tiramisu all over it. Nice."

"Whatever. Wait, who are you calling? Your mom? It's been what, 10 hours? Geez. Yeah, I guess you're about due. What's the matter, the umbilical cord pulled too tight?"

"Oh go pop a Valium or something. I should have listened to my mother and married Jerry Washington. He wouldn't have brought me to this crappy motel in who-knows-where and insulted by shirt and bored me to tears with details about fungus and whatever!"

"Um, it's called xylan. It's a polysaccharide found in plant cell walls and some algae. Freaking zoology majors."

Silence.

"I'm sorry. Your hat is nice."

"I'm sorry, too. But your fungus is still boring. And Jerry Washington is a doofus."

*******

And that's the end of the words and the end of April. I'm not doing the "Voices" thing for May, so, business as usual. I'll post the new mix soon.

This list is courtesy of Caitlin. Thanks to everyone who participated. If I didn't use your words, don't take it too hard. You just weren't good enough. (I kid, I kid!)

F is for "Free Comics!"

So this Saturday, May 3, is Free Comic Book Day at your local comic book shop. Yay! If you don't know what FCBD is, it's a day where one can brave the Nerdhive and get comics for free. For free!

Now some of you may have never been in a comic store or haven't been in one in a while. This is understandable. I like comics and most of those places creep me out. So I, being the awesomely nice person I am and sort of a comics evangelist, have put together a handy guide to assist you in your free comic book spree. I know, I know, but you're worth it.

Let's look at some of what's offered (you can view that whole list at the aforementioned link), shall we?

Hellboy/B.P.R.D. - Um yeah, get this. Hellboy is great comicbookery and the B.P.R.D. series is pretty excellent as well. Different beasts entirely as B.P.R.D. reads sort of like a paranormal G.I. Joe (that phrase should have got your nerd blood pumping) and Hellboy is a more thoughtful affair (well, as thoughtful as a book about a demon from hell punching giant Nazi gorillas can be), but man, it's some great stuff. Also, I [heart] Duncan Fegredo.

All Star Superman #1 - Um yeah, get this, too. Probably the best superhero comic book published in the last 10 or so years. Excellent stuff. And the best art is, it's totally, completely accessible to new readers, rather than the nigh impenetrable stuff DC normally spews out. Get it. In fact, get two and give one to some kid or something.

Project Superpowers - I heard Alex Ross was trying a new technique here where he paints the superheroes and makes them look like real people! I know, cool, right? It's like Superman looks like my neighbor! Awesome! I kid, I kid. Ross does what he does very well. Unfortunately, what he does, I'm tired of seeing. I'll pass.

Broken Trinity Preview - I have never read a Top Cow book ( I was born with the defect called "the ability to steer clear of this sort of embarrassing crap") and I'm not going to start now. Sorry! Not even if it's free! Whee!

X-Men - Marvel, being the marketing geniuses have decided to capitalize on the fact that FCBD falls on the opening weekend for what is poised to be a huge box office success, the Iron Man movie by offering ... an X-Men comic. In all fairness, it's silly to try and get people to read the Iron Man monthly because, well, it's most likely horrible stuff, especially since he's the World's Greatest D**chebag since last year's Civil War blockbuster crossover. So, yeah, go with the X-Men.

That said, I'd probably stay away from this as the X-Men universe is totally screwed up and totally not worth your time to decipher, except Mike Carey's writing and he's competent, bordering on good (I really loved what he was doing on Ultimate Fantastic Four before I dropped that title due to low fundage). On the other hand, Greg Land is the artist. Greg Land sucks. Big time. So, yeah. Maybe?

Worlds Of Aspen #3 - Avoid this like the Plague. The art of Michael Turner and his evil clones It will give you cancer in your nether-regions. You have been warned.

Tiny Titans #1 - I'll probably pick this up for Sadie.

Gegika: A Drawn+Quarterly Manga Sampler - Okay, I'll bite. Sure. I mean, it's free, right?

I.G.N.A.T.Z. #1 - I'll pick this up for sure.

Disney's Gyro Gearloose - Carl Banks' Uncle Scrooge stuff is always a good bet, especially for younger readers.

E.C. Comics Sampler - Yeah, this is coming home with me.

Marvel Adventures: Iron Man - Definitely a smart move, as (from what I understand), the Marvel Adventures line is pretty solid. And it's an Iron Man tie-in. With a Hulk story, to boot. And it's written by Jeff "the Interman" Parker.

Wait, did Marvel do something not catastrophically stupid? Should I be worried?

Anyway, I'll pick this up.

Atomic Robo & Friends - I've heard a lot of good things about this Lucasfilm-backed title (the publishing company is called Red 5, fer cryeye!). I'll check it out.

Amelia Rules! - For Sadie.

The Moth: Greatest Hits - The Moth appeared in a couple of Madman issues back in the day (you know, the one where the guys who looked like Conan O'Brien, Andy Richter and Max Weinberg kidnapped Frank), so I am contractually obligated to be interested in this one.

NASCAR Heroes: All-Star Special - Oh geez. No.

Owly & Friends - This is a good sampler for kids, even if Owly is so cutesy it is physically painful. I'm really excited about the Kolchaka strip in here.

Gumby's Coloring Comic Book Special #1 - I really need to be picking this up when it comes out. Seriously, read this solicitation:

Gumby snaps back! Courtesy of writers Mike Hersh (Rabid Animal Komix) and Bob Burden (Flaming Carrot), along with art from series favorite Rick Geary (Victorian Murder Mysteries) and fellow comic greats Phil Ortiz (The Simpsons), Ken Hooper (Aquaman), and Mel Smith (Dead Ahead) in this spectacular coloring comic edition! Infected by a computer worm our favorite bendable hero seeks help from the Mad Doctor. A mini-Gumby is created and embarks on a hilarious adventure inside his own body searching for the terrible worm. Will Gumby find the worm? What does the inside of a clay boy look like? Find out and join in the fun as you get to be the colorist in the wackiest Gumby tale yet!

Um, yeah, I'm there.

And there it is, FCBD 2008. I'm a little sad that there's no AdHouse offering this year, as I've always been blown away by their output, but there's enough in here to make braving whatever weird stuff may be going on at my local comic shop, so, yeah.

The End.

S is for "Sorry, But..."

I apologize in advance if I come off sounding like a 147-year-old man here but whatever, it needs to be said:

Dear obnoxious kids from The Hills,

Will you please just go away? Like, immediately. I can't take seeing/hearing/reading about you, especially since I have no idea who you are. Seriously, why are you famous (or whatever passes for fame these days)?

Just ... die or something. Please.

sincerely,
Dylan

PS: Seriously. Go away.

C is for "Corn On the Cob"

Dear Corn On the Cob,

Will you marry me? You are lovely and I adore you. We will be happy forever and ever.

Please Check One (preferrably "Yes"):

[ ] Yes.

[ ] No.

Sincerely,
Dylan

N is for "News: Good, Bad & Other"

Here's the good news: Guilermo del Toro (not to be confused with my friend Guillermo who works at Del Taco) is officially the director of the big screen adaptation of the Hobbit, with Peter Jackson co-writing and producing. I can be very down with this, although I still say that two three-hour movies for the one book is stretching it out a little.

Now, the bad news: Jimmy Fallon is taking over Conan's late-night spot when Conan moves up to the big leagues this year. I predict a drinking game where a person has to drink whenever Fallon cracks himself up and/or fixes his hair. I also predict a lot of alcohol-related fatalities ("FINISH HIM!") due to aforementioned game.

And finally, in other news, Miley Cyrus is reportedly "writing" her autobiography. It is tentatively titled: You Really Will Buy Anything That Has My Large-Toothed Face On It, Won't You? It will be approximately 23 pages long, double-spaced, set in 36 point type and will be 85% exclamation marks and smiley faces. The book will be dedicated to "All you suckers out there."

BRR Goes to the Movies - Speed Racer

I guess I don't get it, the whole Speed Racer thing. I have no connection/nostalgia for the character, so I guess I have to approach this trailer from a purely knee-jerk, visceral reaction. So here goes: This movie looks pretty dumb.

I mean, I know I'm supposed to be dazzled by the gravity-defying races and tracks and whatever, but it looks like a rainbow threw up all over Disneyland and Hot Wheels are being thrown across it. And as far as using the Matrix as a selling point, you're dealing with a guy who tuned out of Matrix Reloaded about ten minutes in, (I think it was the "Okay guys, we're all going to die unless we fight the robots. So, I propose we have a rave!" scene that started the snowball down the hill of hate.) and didn't even bother with Revolutions due to my disgust.

I will say this though, the movie has John Goodman in it, so it won't completely suck. (What's that you say? The Flintstones? Now why did you have to go and bring that up? Why would you do that?) Also, am I the only one who snickers every time Matthew Fox is doing that Will Arnett voice?

Also, there is a chimpanzee in this movie. Maybe they should have added more? If there's one thing life has taught me, it's that you cannot have too many chimpanzees in a movie. I'd definitely see a Speed Racer movie with a cast composed entirely of chimpanzees. (But then again, I own Lancelot Link, Secret Chimp on DVD, so maybe I'm not the best judge.) I mean, getting convincing performances out of a dozen or so chimpanzees can't be any more difficult than getting a convincing performance out of Keanu, right Wachowskis?

Anyway, Speed Racer opens May 9th. I'd Queue it, unless it totally gets savaged online and by critics when it comes out. How about you?

Q is for "Questions?"

Any questions regarding last night's episode of Lost? Now's the time to ask them, especially after the month's break.

In the meantime, for you other Lost nerds, you can busy yourselves with Doc Jensen's newest Entertainment Weekly column. I really thought this episode was super duper keen, even though I had no clue what was happening half of the time. In other words, another excellent Lost episode.

F is for "Forever Lost"

Thanks to this amazing new pharmaceutical, I can now live my life:

But seriously though ... how awesome does tonight's episode look? If you answered "Really Awesome, Dylan." then you are correct.

Oh, and by the way, has anybody else seen this? Also, has anyone else wet themselves in excitement? Because I sure did. I am totally pwned by JJ. And are we excited for this new Joss Whedon show? I'm not all ga-ga over him, but I'll check it out, I guess. Why not, right?

G is for "Google Analytics & Things I Learned From It"

Every one in a while, I check the Google Analytics for the site. You know, just checking stuff out. I learned something interesting: people really want to self-induce seizures.

See, a while back I posted a link to someone who had taken every Beatles song and compressed them into something like 22 minutes. I lasted about 8 before I felt all weird inside, like I might die. So I jokingly posted it as the best way to self-induce a seizure. Apparently this is information people want to know about. Why? I have no idea, but look at these figures from my "Keywords" section:

"how to induce a seizure": 8
"induce a seizure": 6
"induce seizure": 5
"how to induce seizure": 2
"best way to have a seizure": 1
"how can i induce seizure in myself": 1
"how do i induce a seizure?": 1
"how easy is it to induce a seizure": 1
"how to induce a seizure in scott": 1 (sorry if it worked, Scott!)
"induce seizure how": 1
"want to induce a seizure": 1

So, 40 people have come to this site seeking advice on self-inducing seizures. That's sort of a lot. Who knew there was this untapped demographic? Certainly not me.

If you know me, you know that I am a man who can sense opportunity like one dog senses another dog's nether-regions. I am an opportunity-hound. Which is why I'm unveiling my new website: uSeizure.com.* We will post clips from those Japanese cartoons and stuff. It'll be awesome. If you're interested in buying banner ads, e-mail me: seizureman@useizure.com. I'm shaking in my boots while I wait. Get it?! Shaking? Har har har.

* I am not really doing this. Seriously, Internet, stop making yourself have seizures. It can't be good for you. Go read a book or something. Run through a meadow. Play a violent video game. Live, dammit! Live!

Image taken from David B.'s incredible Epileptic graphic novel. It's heart-breaking stuff. Seriously incredible.

A is for "Animavore!"

I eat animals. I eat them for breakfast. I eat them for lunch. I eat them for dinner. I eat them for snacks. They are delicious. Every chance I get, I eat some sor tof animal. And I don't care what Courtnee says, dogs taste good. Like a four-legged chicken. Everybody gets a drumstick!

Some people might be offended by my experiments in cuisine. Those people don't know how many funkalicious meals they are missing. They're too wracked by guilt to consider how their gerbil might taste with some horseradish (pretty good!) or how happy they could be gnawing on a seal bone and toast. "Seals: they're not just for tallow to make candles to light igloos anymore!"

Some jack-o-lanterns (this made-up swear word is copyrighted! Do not steal it!) might take umbrage when I look at their kittens and lick my lips as I describe the juiciest portions and perfect side dishes to them on the subway. Well, those people can go fly kites for all I care! (No seriously, it's a great hobby) Life's too short, you know? I want to make sure when I get up to the pearly gates, when Saint What's-His-Name is recounting my life, he's not going to talk about how much money I made or what sorts of noises I made when I watched The Price Is Right alone. (I really get into Plinko) No, he's going to look at me and say, "Did you really eat an ostrobamarich egg? With radish dressing?" To which I will reply proudly, "Yes. It was ostrobama-licious."

I really don't see what the big deal is, I mean, have you smelled pigs? Now that is a disgusting animal. Dogs smell good. (And taste great with a little ketchup!) Cats are known for their cleanliness. Monkeys ... well they're sort of gross. (But tasty!)

The thing I hate the most about all of this is the constant quizzes whenever I describe my eating habits to people. "Have you had turtle?" Yes. Great with relish. "How about kangaroo?" Yep. Most people think I'm joshing when I say it has a little kick to it. "Would you eat reindeer meat?" You betcha. If it's good enough for Santa Claus, it's good enough for me. That's why I wear this furry red suit (One hundred percent red panda fur. They are salty!) and give random people presents. (Okay, so "presents" is more like "advice on how to properly prepare their pets as meals", but well, teach a man to fish...) Ho ho ho!

The biggest problem I face is the media. If only there were more positive portrayals of animavores on TV or in movies, (or radio plays for you old-timers)I don't think I would be faced with such ridiculous treatment. I mean we all eat animals, I just venture out from under the umbrella of "the Norm" every now and then. And do some of my expeditions in to unknown territory end in something besides victory? Or course. I'll never eat pigeon again. Or anything than waves at me. Xcept for those two things, it's fair game. And I do mean game, all you yellow-tailed zig zags out there. You're going to taste great with some spicy mustard and a Bearnaise sauce.

Yum!

*******

Today's list via Courtnee whose blog is Top Secret. (Not the movie) And no, I didn't misspell her name. Two "E"' s. Weird, right?