All Y'All

So I was running some errands yesterday and decided to flip around the FM band to see what "the kids," are listening to these days. And then I heard this song, "Big Green Tractor," by some fake hillbilly guy and I was reminded why I don't listen to the radio. I mean, listen to this crap:



And it could just be me, as I've been accused of being a bit of a perv, but do you get the feeling that he's not singing about a tractor here? I mean, look at these lyrics, this is basically an AC/DC song for inbreds:

"I can take you for a ride on my big green tractor / We can go slow or make it go faster / Down through the woods and out to the pasture / Climb up in my lap and drive if you want to / Girl, you know you got me to hold on to … Said we can fire it up and I can show you around / Sit up on the hill and watch the sun go down."

Is it just me? That was a trick question, because it isn't just me. This song is dirty.

Take a Breath Of That Country Air

Oh man, the American Country Music Awards are on tonight and I can't stop watching. It's like some hideous car wreck only everyone involved is an over groomed phony. A terrible pile-up strewn with mutilated bodies with fake tans, bleached teeth and highlighted hair.

And that's just on the guys.

It's a total embarrassment. I mean Rascal Flatts? These guys are country? What country? Fruitsylvania? Come on. Willie Nelson would be spinning in his grave if he were dead and not just some old pot-smoking lecherous creepy granddad in a trailer somewhere.

Anyway, so I watched like half hour of it. The awards show. I had a sleeping baby on my arm and couldn't move and there was nothing else on and come on! Gimme a break! It was research for my new book: Country Music Is Stinky. It's about contemporary country music. And how it is stinky.

I saw Garth Brooks run through a medley of his "hits." Only I didn't recognize two-thirds of them. It was like bad karaoke, watching Garth up there (seriously, it was embarrassingly bad) but it reminded me of something: I freaking hate Garth Brooks.

There was a time there where his music was everywhere. It seems like any youth trip we took we would be forced to listen to him, all while being told how great country music was and how you kids' music these days was terrible and country music had morals and blahblah. And this was pre-iPod, so we couldn't just slap on some headphones and tune old Garthy-boy out. If you wanted to do something like that you needed a portable CD player and those things were roughly the size of your head and skipped if you sneezed or looked at it wrong. Also bread cost a nickel and we had to walk to school uphill both ways in the snow all while being chased by hungry wolves and Cossacks and Huns. I lost my brother to scarlet lung and my mother developed the whooping cough in the trenches of the Great War. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...

Anyway, so this country pop stuff is stinky. It gives me hives and makes me think bad thoughts. It makes me stabby. I must go listen to the new Old 97's album to cleanse my pallete. You should probably do the same. Yee-haw!

"Hail Atlantis!"

So, my buddy and Mostly Funny co-host Ryan Adams is looking at an advertising school in the fabled city of Atlantis. I polled a few citizens to get their reactions to this news. You can read their responses here.

Needless to say, the undersea world is pretty psyched about this possibility. Can you blame them?

Unfortunately, I didn't get a chance to interview Roy Scheider or any of the rest of the crew from Seaquest DSV, mainly because it was a reference that approximately no one (except maybe Huston or Bryan) would have got.

I also tried to interview the Little Mermaid, but man, she is a hussy. She's like the Christina (or is it still X-tina? In any case, she's masty) Aguilera of the briny deep. Seriously, is anybody else kind of grossed out that they mention in the movie that she's all of 16 and then that prince dude is all over her?! WTH? And then [spoiler alert!] they get married at the end? And the dad's totally cool with that? Double WTH? Are mer-people the hillbillies of the deep or what? I guess I shouldn't expect much from a race that's basically the result of heavy drinking and fishing*, but come on, she's 16?!

This is another classic example of crack-smoking over at Disney. Did nobody stop for a minute and say, "Wait, should we change this line to say that she's 18? It won't change anything else, bit it makes it a little less creepy. Let's just change that. And... done."?

Anyway, so good luck, Castlerocker. Go rock the big "A". And watch out for the wasps down there, right Chubby Da Choona?

For those of you playing along at home, that was Obscure Pop Culture Reference That Nobody Got #3 (#1- the Donovan reference in the title, #2 - Seaquest DSV, and finally, #3 - a Seaguy reference)... which, according to the Official Blogging Rulebook™ means I am now officially disqualified for this post. I will be sitting in the penalty box until the count of "127-Mississippi." [sigh]

*Bring on the pro-mer-people hate mail! And while we're offending imaginary creatures, have I mentioned that I think that centaurs are filthy, filthy creatures? And don't even get me started on leprechauns...