Moonwalker Redux

You want to know what the craziest thing about this statue is:


It's that it's not the weirdest thing Michael Jackson is auctioning off.

You know, I feel sort of wrong for kicking sand in MJ's face, (especially since the news of him selling off a bunch of his crazy stuff is like months old) but man, that dude is totally bat-shiitake-mushroom insane. I hate to say he deserves it, but he sort of deserves it, doesn't he? I mean, if you were accused of molesting children, would you go out and buy like a million lawn statues of naked boys? It's like OJ showing off his pristine collection of decapitated Hummel figures. Does not compute. And furthermore, where does one get *that many* naked boy statues? Does he buy in bulk? Is there a NAMBLA section at Costco that I'm (thankfully) blissfully unaware of?

I mean, how crazy have you become when people remember the good old days when you just collected the bones of disfigured people, hung out with chimpanzees and slept in a iron lung full of oxygen? And its a real shame, because for a while there, MJ was making some great pop music. Now, he's just some pedophile in a surgical mask who looks like an extra from Pokemon and hasn't done anything worthwhile as a human being or an entertainer since (and I'm being generous here) Dangerous. And that was 1991.

And still, he's selling tickets. 50 shows in London sold out. Within hours. It's stuff like that that makes people set themselves on fire in disgust and confusion.

I don't know. Am I right here? Does this bother you like it does me, or am I just a little too wound up today?

Little-Known Celebrity Facts, vol. 1!

Welcome to the maiden voyage of Little-Known Celebrity Facts, where I fill you in on secrets about your favorite public figures.

Did you know? That lovable galoot Brad Garrett, of Everybody Loves Raymond fame and who is also on that other show on Fox that's unbelievably terrible, is actually half grizzly bear? It's true! His mother was a chestnut-furred she-bear and his father was a Park Ranger in Yosemite National Park. A very sick, very lonely Park Ranger.

After a night of passion, Garrett's mother ripped the sleeping Park Ranger to bits, as bears are wont to do, horrible killing machines that they are.

After giving birth to the monstrous half-breed, the mother left young Garrett to fend for himself in the wild. It is believed that several Bigfoot sightings were actually a famished young Garrett scavenging for food in camp sites and dumpsters.

Garrett, by now a seven foot tall 8 year old was found by Royal and Margaret Garrett, a couple who owned a small plumbing supply store in Burbank, California. Unable to conceive due to a horrible badminton accident, the Garretts took the feral boy and raised him as their own, never revealing his true nature to him.

Garrett's start in showbiz was in a commercial for "I Can't Believe It's Not Peanut Butter," a soy-based sandwich spread for people with allergies to nuts and other legumes. It tastes sort of like rubber bands and bug spray, but it's oh so creamy. A part as a stand-in for Bigfoot in Harry and the Hendersons soon followed. But it was his role as dyslexic figure skater Harry Turtini in the Lifetime Channel production, noissaP fO sedalB that won Garrett wide recognition.

He lives in Malibu with his two children, Larry and Perry and his wife Nora, who is a cocker spaniel.