My Birthday Present To You

So yeah, I'm 32 years old today. Woo hoo! And, I don't want to brag or anything, but I have managed to accumulate a lot of knowledge about stuff and stuff. One could say that my knowledge of stuff is vast. I also like sharing. So, why not kill two birds with one stone and share my vast knowledge of stuff with you, you beautiful so & so's? So as follows are 32 things I've learned over the last 32 years. Consider it a present from me to you. And there is no receipt, so if it doesn't fit, tough. Re-gift it or something. I don't know. Not my problem. I just give, y'know?

1. Don't listen to the rabble: you can have your cake and eat it too. You just can't keep the fork.
2. The world is full of cool. Cool people, cool things, cool ideas. Live your life so that one day you will die of a cool overdose.
3. When all else fails, there's always break-dancing.
4. Be thankful for everything.
5. Nothing is better than live music. Well, except for a nice, cold Mr. Pibb and live music.
6. If you can't say anything nice, just mutter it under you breath.
7. Sometimes it's okay to say to the world "Where the H are the flippin' jetpacks? I was promised jetpacks."
8. Stop and smell the roses. But watch out for the dog crap.
9. It's a common view that God is some sort of cosmic cop who's just waiting for you to get out of line so he can bust your nose. This is a lie. He is our Father and wants us to be happy.
10. It's a dog eat dog world out there, so thank goodness you're not a dog or you'd have been reduced to cannibalism by now.
11. The admonition to "Keep your arms inside the ride at all times." should be fastidiously obeyed.
12. Read as many books as you can.
13. Nobody likes a tattle-tale. Also, nobody likes to be called a tattle-tale.
14. No matter what you're going through, remember that it could always be worse. You could be having to fight off zombie hordes on top of whatever else you're going through.
15. Art is rad.
16. It's not your Words Per Minute, it's which words you type.
17. If you got something in your head, you gotta get it out. Otherwise it gets stuck in there and infection can set in. Yuck.
18. Robots are not your friends. They are cold, electrically-powered killing machines. You have every right to be terrified.
19. Take the road less traveled. The other one's a toll road and it's poorly paved.
20. Cartoons.
21. If you must kick it, kick it old school.
22. A little Harry Nilsson can fix almost anything. I'd recommend starting with "The Lottery Song" and working out from there.
23. Worrying never solved anything. Except how to win at the Worry-lympics.
24. Don't act like you're all cool just cuz you listen to jazz. Jazz is not cool.
25. Bruce Lee.
26. Be nice to other people. Even those people who really deserve it.
27. Fingernails just keep on growing. Totally sucks, I know, but it's better than being dead, right?
28. Kids are pretty awesome, except for when they're trying to make you insane.
29. I always assume that if I don't get it at first, then it is awesome. It's worked for me so far.
30. Buddy Holly was pretty bad-A.
31. There is nothing wrong with pretending you have superpowers, just don't start wearing your underwear on the outside of your pants and start punching people for kicks.
32. If you love somebody and they love you too, you're pretty much set. Everything else is gravy.

Hope this helps. Peace.

Making Magnificent Mixxes the Macintosh Way

( or ) Making Magnificent Mixxes the Macintosh Way


So here's my tutorial on tagging, packaging and uploading a mixtape. Unfortunately for you PC people out there (I'm looking at you, John Hodgman), I'm a Mac zombie, so all my instructions are for that OS. I have submitted a request to IT (aka: my cousin, Ben, the engineering student) for a PC tutorial, and that should be up sometime soon. In the mean time, all you Mac people can follow along to make your very own awesome mixtape. It's as easy as pie which is apparently easy, though I've never made one. Are pies easy? I've heard that Earth girls are, but what about pies?

Anyway, here's how I make the magic happen. There's most assuredly a more elegant way of doing it, as I have a tendency to do things the hard way, but this is the method I've cooked up over the last year and it works for me, so, yeah.

You get what you pay for, people.

What you'll need:
* A kickin' playlist
* An iPod or some sort of iDevice
* iTunes
* A program to get your music from your iPod to your computer like iPodDisk (which I haven't used, but it's free) or Senuti (which is great but I guess is no longer free)
* Album artwork of some sort (optional, but come on, just do it)

What to do:
Take your beautiful, perfect playlist and pull it onto your iPod. You'll have to have it set to "Manually manage music and videos" to do this.

Okay, now that it's on there, you can edit the tags without worrying about totally jacking your music library. You essentially made a copy of those tracks when you moved it to your iPod.


Next, select all the songs in your playlist (Command + A). Get the info on them (Command + I). iTunes is gonna freak and ask you if you really want to change the info for different items, unless you've already disabled this feature. Just say "yes." Now, here's how I set up my mixxes:

Artist: Leave blank
Year: 2009
Album Artist: Mixtapery
Track Number: Just put in the last number (for me, the magic number is 20)
Album: Input title
Disc Number: 1 of 1
Grouping: Leave it blank AND click the box next to it. This will overwrite any other grouping tag the individual file may have and solve some possible formatting issues.
BPM: Leave blank
Composer: Leave blank
Artwork: Pull your artwork into here. Tip: You can just pull the file in from Finder.
Comments: Leave blank AND click the button.
Genre: Mixtapery (I do this so because I have a Smart Playlist of mixxes in my library, plus it makes finding mixxes easier)
Rating: Leave blank AND click button

This next part is important: Find "Part Of A Compilation" and click Yes (if you're using iTunes 8, go to the Options tab and pull down Yes). This makes it so all your artists on the mix are in one place rather than having 20 artists tagged for the album. Keeps yr iTunes nice & tidy.

Click OK.

Okay, so that's done. But there's one part that's left. See, the tracks still have their track numbers from all of the albums they came from instead of the order you so meticulously crafted. Let's fix that.

Select ONLY the first song in your playlist. Get its info (Command + I). Change the Track Number to 1. Press Next in the bottom right corner. Continue updating the track numbers in order until you hit the end. Click OK. Perfect. Give yourself a pat on the back. You deserve it.


Okay, we're almost there. Now take that playlist and move it back into your library using whatever program you need to. Now, select the album from your library, not the playlist. It will be listed under Compilations if you're set up that way, or just search the album title. Go to View > Options (Command + J) and turn on "Kind." This will tell you which of your files are formatted as MPEG (MP3s) and which are AAC (Apple's encoding method). I like all my files to have the same file kind, which for me is AAC. It sounds fine and takes up less space.

Select the "Kind" column to separate the AAC from the MPEG. Select the MPEG files and control-click them. Select "Create AAC Version" from the menu (or "Convert to AAC" if you're using an older version). Let iTunes work its magic. WARNING! DO NOT re-rip your AAC files to AAC. They will sound crappy and your mix will be ruined. Ruined!


Once they're all converted, delete your MPEGs and move them to the trash. You don't need them.


Now we're ready to zip this up and upload it. Go to Finder > Wherever you have your iTunes library > Compilations and scroll for your album title. Once you find the folder, select it, control-click it and select "Create Archive of ...". Let your computer work it's magic.


Once I do this, I remove any spaces in the file name so as to eliminate any PC/Mac issues. Keeps your paths tidy, people.

Now you have a zipped file that you can upload to Mediafire or MegaUpload or wherever you choose.


Post the link on your blog and/or e-mail the link to me. I will include it in my Monthly Mixtape Brigade round-up post as well as including it in the Monthly Mixtape Brigade Master List, accessible by clicking on the icon in the sidebar.

Last step: Party.

And there it is. Hope this helps. Leave any ?s in the comments section.

Don't Tell Me Now

Yeah, I know. It's been a little quiet around here lately as far as real live content goes. But the fact is that things have been crazy and busy and up in the air and a little overwhelming, but now - now things are looking up.

So, anyway, I have a little time right now and thought I'd share some of my vast knowledge of knowledgeable things with you. Because you deserve it and also because I really need to think/talk about something besides politics. So, anyway, here goes:

* We (the spousal "we") watched Iron Man the other night. I had seen it in theaters. Candace hadn't seen it. Iron Man, for those of you who are not familiar, is a completely awesome movie that will rock your brains out and you should really go see it now. Go Redbox it. It'll be the best dollar you ever spent. It's a big, bright, fun, superhero movie, every bit as good as The Dark Knight, only it is, overall, better-written and acted. Yes. I said it. You know it's true. Search your heart. You know it to be true.

* And speaking of which, we (the familial "we") watched The Empire Strikes Back over the weekend. We'd tried watching it with Sadie a while back, when we introduced A New Hope to her, but I don't think she really "got" it. This time it stuck. Now it's been a while since I watched it, but I must say this: That movie is sooooo good. It's like probably the best movie ever. Anyone who disagrees, feel free to meet me by the bike rack after school. I will knock you down and steal your lunch money for speaking such blasphemy. And then Lando will swoop down out of the clouds and kick you in the stomach while simultaneously seducing your girlfriend with lines like "Truly you belong here with us among the clouds."

* And while I'm talking about Lando, I really wanted to start some Lando fan fiction after watching Empire. Is that nuts? Seriously, why are there no good Lando Calrissian Expanded Universe stories besides those Lando Calrissian Adventures books? I mean, The Mindharp Of Sharu? Are you kidding me with this? Sounds like a rejected Star Trek episode, doesn't it? I may have to have Candace chain me down soon or else Lando Calrissian In: Death Kiss! just might get written and I'm pretty sure I told somebody somewhere that they could kill me if I ever wrote any fan fiction. Which is also why I can never go to a high school reunion. I should probably keep a list of who I've told to kill me if I did something, huh?

* David Byrne recently got interviewed by the Onion AV Club about art, Imelda Marcos and his new collaboration with undisputed genius/patron saint of Awesome, Brian Eno. Read it here.

* Did you see Bill Murray on Letterman?Dude's amazing. Just in case, here's part 1 and here's part 2.

* Has anybody listened to Under the Leaves or Ripp Offf yet? And if so, what did you think?

* The Cinematheque at the Cleveland Institute of Art (aka: "CIA") is screening the Flaming Lips' much-anticipated Christmas On Mars next month. This is awesome news.

* I have an irrational and deep-seated hatred for the musical stylings of Michael McDonald and Bob Seeger. Am I alone here?

* Also, I hate that model show. What's it called again? America's Next Top Skeleton or something?

* And those Air Wick commercials, on man, I hate those things! With like the caterpillar or the geckos or the caterpillar who is married to the gecko and they have these hideous half-caterpillar, half-gecko children or whatever. Do you know which ones I mean? Man, those drive me insane.

* But you know what I love? Those creme-filled, chocolate dipped, chocolate cake things whose name is also a euphemism for male genitalia. Those things are incredibly awesome.

* Also, I love my family. I really do. They're like the best thing ever. No. Wait. They are the best thing ever. Literally.

Anyway, so there you go. And I didn't even bring up politics once. I'm proud of myself. What's been swirling around your mind? Wanna share it with the class

Lemme Tell You Something, Kids

There are many things in this world that I know. I'm not bragging, I'm just saying. You hang around this world long enough and keep your ears and mind open, you pick stuff up. Stuff like the fact that Empire is easily the best Star Wars movie. Or that music sounds better with headphones on. That baseball is best enjoyed at the stadium with a bag of peanuts, maybe a hot dog or two. That, despite your prayers, wishes and letters to Santa, maybe there will never be another Grandaddy album. That Grant Morrison stands bald head and shoulders above anybody else in the rapidly fading field of comicbookery. That maybe wrestling isn't entirely real. That there is nothing sadder/funnier/more annoying than a bunch of middle-aged drunk guys all dressed up for a night on the town singing "Who Let the Dogs Out" at the bar of an Italian restaurant and somehow managing to sing it wrong. That Jack Kirby was called "The King" for a reason. That "the Numbers" don't mean anything really, they're just mysterious numbers, so stop asking the producers what they mean.

Well, I can add this to my list of "Things I Know": Diet Dr. Pepper is freaking delicious.

Memo To Self:

It's never a good thing when the local weatherperson repeatedly refers to the cold weather using the adjective "bitter."

It is so bloody cold here as of right now that it is unbelievable. You literally would not believe me if I told you just how cold it is here right now. It is very cold. Very.

Little-Known Celebrity Facts, vol. 1!

Welcome to the maiden voyage of Little-Known Celebrity Facts, where I fill you in on secrets about your favorite public figures.

Did you know? That lovable galoot Brad Garrett, of Everybody Loves Raymond fame and who is also on that other show on Fox that's unbelievably terrible, is actually half grizzly bear? It's true! His mother was a chestnut-furred she-bear and his father was a Park Ranger in Yosemite National Park. A very sick, very lonely Park Ranger.

After a night of passion, Garrett's mother ripped the sleeping Park Ranger to bits, as bears are wont to do, horrible killing machines that they are.

After giving birth to the monstrous half-breed, the mother left young Garrett to fend for himself in the wild. It is believed that several Bigfoot sightings were actually a famished young Garrett scavenging for food in camp sites and dumpsters.

Garrett, by now a seven foot tall 8 year old was found by Royal and Margaret Garrett, a couple who owned a small plumbing supply store in Burbank, California. Unable to conceive due to a horrible badminton accident, the Garretts took the feral boy and raised him as their own, never revealing his true nature to him.

Garrett's start in showbiz was in a commercial for "I Can't Believe It's Not Peanut Butter," a soy-based sandwich spread for people with allergies to nuts and other legumes. It tastes sort of like rubber bands and bug spray, but it's oh so creamy. A part as a stand-in for Bigfoot in Harry and the Hendersons soon followed. But it was his role as dyslexic figure skater Harry Turtini in the Lifetime Channel production, noissaP fO sedalB that won Garrett wide recognition.

He lives in Malibu with his two children, Larry and Perry and his wife Nora, who is a cocker spaniel.

We Now Return To Your Regularly Scheduled Program...

Some observations from our Vegas trip over the Christmas break:

* Everyone in Las Vegas drives like a complete maniac. You are not paranoid: They are definitely trying to kill you.

* It is very bright in Las Vegas and I always forget to pack sunglasses, which means I spend a week squinting every time I'm there. So, Mr. Bright Sun, my crow's feet thank you for helping them grow. My illusion of youth, however, does not thank you. It does, in fact, curse you.

* Chicago O'Hare airport sucks.

* The TSA Air Nazis can kiss my you-know-what. I know you guys are just doing your job, but is part of that job making everyone traveling feel like a moron and a terrorist and nincompoop?

* My brother Bryan lives in the middle of nowhere.

* I saw two movies: Juno and No Country For Old Men, both of which were incredible and will rock your socks right off.

* Russel & Caitlin: please make sure you pick my name every year. Thank you.

* Downtown Las Vegas is as hilarious and campy as it is depressing.

* I love Alternate Reality Comics on Maryland Parkway and Tropicana. Best. Comic. Store. Ever. Perfect mix of mainstream, small press, indie and mini- comics. If you're ever in town, check it out.

* My new Polaroid is really cool, as is my wife.

* About a week or two before I head back to Vegas, I get this feeling like, "Y'know, I could maybe live there again. It might even be fun. Making it a cool place to live could be my project." Then I go there for a week or so and I realize that I never want to live there ever again, never ever. It's not a bad place, it just is so definitely not "me", y'know?

* The Bellagio fountains are cool, although I feel like such a tourist for enjoying them. Is that weird?

* In & Out Burger is what heaven looks, smells and tastes like. Double Double with fries and a chocolate shake &/or a half Coke, half Dr. Pepper? Oh. Hecks. Yes.

* I love my wife and kids. Like, a lot.

* When you haven't blogged in a while, it's hard to fight the urge to explain why you haven't blogged in a while.

* I found out the hard way that there is such a thing as eating too much pork in a single day. Why must pigs taste so dang good?!

* Finally, it's very good to finally be home.

Nuggets From My Mind Box

I have a big old monster of a post in the works, so I'll just leave you with some little tidbits in the meantime:

* If you want your three-year-old to sleep like a rock, make her Christmas carol at an old folks home. Those places are like saunas with slightly less gross naked old people.

* I am terrified of old folks homes. And snakes.

* Being a Mormon myself, I find this whole Mitt Romney thing to be a little surreal. It's sort of like walking into a room and overhearing people talking candidly about you. Some of what they say is right on, some of it is totally weird and some is downright false and you're left thinking, "is that what people really think of me?" Makes you feel a little self conscious.

* Patti's post made me want some Red Vines real bad.

* If you're ever stuck trying to think of something funny to say, find a way to use the words "elven cloak" in a sentence. Guaranteed laughs or your money back. This also works with the word "crack."

* I want to eat little chocolate donuts every day of my life.

* When in doubt, kick it in the nards as hard as you can. Works for me.

* What's the point of poodles?

* Of all of the ways you can die, I think the worst would be to be eaten alive by naked mole rats. Or by naked old people.

* I think John Shaft could easily kick Chuck Norris' behind, any day.

* This is the cutest thing I have ever seen since that time I saw a kitten with butterfly wings and a halo riding a unicorn through a land of rainbows and cherubs.

And finally...

* There's no such thing as too much gravy.

Until next time, cats & kittens.

Shotgun Post!

* There is nothing "fun" about so-called "Fun Size" candy bars.

* We watched the first disc of Heroes season 1 (which only contained the first two episodes... WTH!?). Uh, does this get better or is it all this mediocre? Okay. We get it. They have superpowers. We've seen X-Men. Is it worth sticking it out and finishing the series or would my time be better spent finishing up Veronica Mars season 2? Freaking Jeph Loeb is ruining the nerd world for me.

* Who would win in a fight between a vampire and a zombie? Think about it. They're both un-dead. Dude. I know, I just blew your mind. You're welcome.

* Operation: Grow This Freaking Beard is in full effect. I'm giving it a one week trial period and then we shall see. I don't think I can match this guy's beard, but I think I am okay with that. I also don't think it will stick after the trial period (it's already starting to bug me), but... we shall see.

* Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull could maybe be the Best. Movie. Title. Ever.

* I don't care what Ravi Shankar says: a little bit of sitar goes a long, long way.

* French fries are proof that there exists a divine being who loves us and wants us to be happy.

* Anybody want to try out Netflix for a month for free? I got this coupon in my e-mail that I can send to you, electronic-like.

* You know what's a funny word: "Coupon." Say it a few times. Funny, right?

* Would you ever eat an elephant steak? I don't think I would.

* Another funny word: "Ointment."

* Of all the animals in the animal kingdom, I would like least to be eaten by a lion. Mainly because they'd be so dang smug about it. Don't lions seem all stuck up? Like they'd finish you off and be all, "Well, I am the King of the Jungle. Hahaha."

* There's this new show on CBS, (which, by the way, has a decent Monday night from 8-9 with How I Met Your Mother backed up with the New Adventures Of Old Christine) called the Big Bang Theory. Have you seen the commercial for this show? It is like anti-comedy. If it came in physical contact with actual comedy, life as we know it would cease to exist. This is Bizarro comedy, made for a cube world where the sky is green and the grass is blue and comedy is unfunny and the president can read.

It should come as no surprise that they also are advertising this show as being from the people who brought the world the comedy sinkhole that is Three & A Half Men, or as I refer to them, "those people who should be drug through the streets for crimes against humanity."

* Why are Fridays are the longest days of the week? Is it some sort of curse put upon the working man by a crazy homeless witch? Harry Potter, help me now!

* If you should ever happen to meet one of the Red Hot Chili Peppers, DO NOT SHAKE THEIR HANDS!!! You don't know where those guys have been.

* Finally, there is such a thing as too many Oreos. Unfortunately.

Selections From the Encyclopedia Of My Vast Knowledge Of Stuff, vol. 36

* Guys with round faces should not grow goatees. Do we really need another reminder that you have a round face? No. No, we don't.

* There are very few things in life that can't be made better by adding a few Oreos.

* I don't care who you are or what deity you pray to, surely you must realize that the Doors are wildly overrated.

* Hey, Starburst: Why even make the yellow ones? Who eats those? Seriously.

* Three words that fill any blue-blooded American boy with joy: Commie. Space. Monkeys. Five words: Commie. Space. Monkeys. With. Jetpacks.

Fawning Over Flora (or) Man, I Loves Me Some Art History

I thought I'd wield my mighty blogging power and shine a light on the work of mid-20th-century American illustrator Jim Flora. I've sort of been dosing myself on Modernism for a project at work (especially American Modernism, which has a lot more wit than it's dry European cousin, the stuffy Swiss International Style). I really like Flora. I shall be swiping heavily from (as well as Russian Constructivism, Paul Klee and Fernand Léger) him over the next few weeks.

He draws heavily from Surrealism, Dada and Cubism, (aka: "the Holy Trinity") while still making work that is approachable and - more importantly to record companies in the 40's and 50's - marketable, while still managing to inject his work with a healthy dose of good old James Ensor "I forgot to take my crazy pills" pathos. He's like the illegitimate offspring or Salvador Dalí and Walt Disney.

That's a good thing.

As far as record packaging artists go, he's one of the pillars of the field and you can see his fingerprints all over contemporary illustration annuals as well as in the subcultures of urban vinyl and poster art.

There are two books of his art (both of which I am lusting after, BTW), a website dedicated to him and a blog that regularly posts work from his archives.

And that's your dose of culture for the day. Don't it feel good?

Things I Know

I'm 30. You don't get to be that old without learning a thing or two. So today on Big Red Robot, I'm going to allow you to drink from my cup of experience; but just a sip. If I give it all to you now, there will be nothing left for later, right? So, without any more strange metaphors, here are 30 Things I Know:

1. When first meeting someone, it is considered impolite to ask them why in the world they would think a goatee is a good idea.
2. Pirates Of the Caribbean 2 was the worst movie ever. At least until Pirates 3 comes out.
3. Don't punch old people, no matter how much they are asking for it.
4. Nobody likes a tattletale. Everybody likes pizza. So, if you're going to tattle, bring pizza.
5. If Diet Coke starts tasting good, you are officially old.
6. If someone tells you to "Make yourself at home" - keep your pants on. Trust me on this one.
7. There is always someone cooler than you.
8. There's no such thing as the Boogeyman. Sasquatch; that's another story entirely.
9. If everybody else jumps off of a bridge, don't do it - just to spite your mom.
10. The following things are considered "not appropriate" (society's words, not mine) to give as a gift to a four-year-old child: a pet octopus, a scimitar, a bag full of glass shards, a copy of Nabokov's Lolita (Hello? It's a classic?), scuba gear, a harpoon gun, a crossbow, a handsome 12-piece knife set, a Richard Nixon mask, a family of porcupines, a doll that has been possessed by the spirit of a serial killer, a book entitled Santa Claus Is Not Real: A True Story, grandma's dentures, an antique cannon, a Gila monster, a bag of human hair, or a prosthetic limb. I know, weird, right?
11. No matter where in the world you go, there will always be crazy people.
12. There is no such thing as a free lunch. There is such a thing as a stolen lunch.
13. Star Trek is boring.
14. War is not the answer. The answer is "pickled herring."
15. The stereotype that Americans are loud, fat and stupid is, sadly, mostly true.
16. Beef jerky is not a food group. But it should be.
17. "A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush," is a really dumb aphorism. Seriously, who eats birds?
18. Cavemen had it rough.
19. If you see a dinosaur: RUN.
20. There is nothing funny about an injured clown. Actually, there's everything funny about an injured clown.
21. People and their freaking. cell. phones. Seriously, do you have to talk so loud? I don't care that you bought two ink cartridges, or that one was $14.50 and the other $18. Shut. Up.
22. There is nothing funnier than Walker, Texas Ranger.
23. Break dancing is awesome. Anyone who says differently is a Communist.
24. You cannot give yourself a nickname. That's just sad.
25. Actors get paid a ridiculous amount of money to pretend they're someone else. Athletes get paid a ridiculous amount of money to play games. People in service professions get paid next-to-nothing to deal with people who are rude to them. Remember this next time you have to deal with a surly employee at wherever.
26. Every day is a gift. Some days, you wish there was a gift receipt.
27. High school is the worst four years of your life. Anybody who says differently is a Communist.
28. There's nothing wrong with delusions of grandeur.
29. If you are at a party and feel like dancing, you really can't go wrong with "the Robot." If that fails, there's always "The Cabbage Patch." That ought to do it.
30. The two saddest words in the English language are: "The End." A close second are the words: "Dead kittens."

Do you feel smarter?

Thoughts From the Road

Having driven over 1200 miles over the last few days, I had a few thoughts on travelling that I'd like to share:

1. The leftmost lane is the "passing lane." You use it to pass slower cars. This is why there are all those pesky "Slower Traffic Keep Right," signs scattered by the side of the road. Because you should get over if you're going to go slow. It's not difficult. Unless you are passing other people, don't drive in that lane. Seriously. If you insist on sitting there, and driving under the speed limit, expect a lot of nasty looks at best.

2. Utah people cannot drive. I don't know if it's the fault if the DMV there or if there is something in the water, but they either go way too fast or way too slow. It's very scary.

3. The "Shuffle by Album" setting on the iPod is the greatest invention since, uh, the iPod. Well, unless you hit an album you don't want to hear at that moment, then it's the bane of your existence.

4. Beef jerky rules.

5. Dr. Pepper is delicious, but it will make you pee a lot, which means using a public restroom, which means feeling like the bottom of someone's shoe no matter how many times you wash your hands.

6. Speed limits are for sissies.

7. There are a disturbing number of beer bottles on the sides of the highway.

8. If you absolutely must sit down in a men's public restroom, don't look at the walls. Or the ceiling. Or the back of the door. Or the floor. Just close your eyes and for goodness' sake, make sure the stall door's locked!

9. How come nobody writes anything nice on bathroom stall walls?

10. 99% of billboards are U-G-L-Y. Just hideous. I find it hard to believe that people get paid to design those things. Maybe poorly-trained, brain-damaged chimpanzees as a form of therapy, but people? Yuck.

So there you go, a few thoughts from the road. It's no Kerouac, but what is, really?

Green Arrow

Indie Rock Fun Fact: Did you know that the Shins' leader, James Mercer, lives in a house that was previously inhabited by none other than the late great, and I do mean great, Elliot Smith? And Mercer didn't figure it out until after he'd moved in? Weird. Well, now you know.

Slave To the Web

No, that's not the subtitle to the new Spider-man movie. I think the subtitle for that is "Here comes the mamma-jammin' radness." No, this is the subtitle to my life circa: now. I've been working feverishly (not literally) on my site. I'm anticipating having it done by next week at the latest, but fear not, I'll post when it is, as we say in the bizzz, "live." The web totally confuses me. It's far too right-brain for me to totally grasp, but I'm, hopefully, working it all out. Anyway, so that's where that lies.

In other web news, I also set up a profile over at ComicSpace.com, which is like MySpace for comics nerds as opposed to MySpace which is for (as far as I can tell) creepy people.* I'll post about comics soon, as this week I picked my books up and there were some winners in my pile (All-Star Superman and Nextwave, but some other goodies as well) and... well, I have a scanner, so now I can ramble on and on about comics... with pictures!


*Let me say that a lot of people I know and love are on the MySpace and are not, as far as I can tell, "creepy people." This statement is an unfair stereotype and in no way is intended to make people mad at me. It was, however, kind of funny in my head so I typed it out.

If You Want Me To Punch You In the Face

Simply tell me that the Beach Boys Pet Sounds is anything less than a work of staggering genius. It is guaranteed to put you on my "Must Punch," list with such luminaries as the cast of Friends and the people responsible for the travesty that is Pirates of the Carribean 2: Dead Man's Chest, which is such unbelievable garbage that I'm still mad I sat through it weeks ago. Seriously, I'm fuming inside whenever I think about how unbelievably stupid and pointless that film was.

[Sigh] Now I gotta go punch something.

THINGS I DON'T LIKE!

PEOPLE TALKING ON CELL PHONES LOUDLY IN PUBLIC!
PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY'RE DOING AT THE POST OFFICE!
NAZI GORILLA CYBORGS WITH LASERS FOR TEETH AND A BIONIC ARM THAT SMASHES THINGS!
COMIC BOOKS WRITTEN BY EITHER OF THE WEIRD JEFF'S, A.K.A. JEPH LOEB OR GEOFF JOHNS!
BLOGS THAT DON'T HAVE POSTS FULL OF EXCLAMATION POINTS!
THE FACT THAT I AM STILL TIRED EVEN THOUGH I'M GETTING PLENTY OF SLEEP LATELY!
TEH SPEHL CHEKUR!
ZOMBIES!
MOVIES THAT DON'T HAVE HECKA EXPLOSIONS!
CANDY!
JUST KIDDING! I LOVE CANDY!
LOWER-CASE LETTERS!
PEOPLE WHO SAY 'LIBARY!' IT'S 'LIBRARY,' PEOPLE! IT'S JUST ONE MORE LETTER! THIS ALSO GOES FOR PEOPLE WHO SAY 'VALENTIMES,' 'FEBYOOARY,' AND 'MAN-AYSE!' 'MAN-AYSE!' THAT SOUNDS DISGUSTING!
THE WEATHER OUTSIDE TODAY IT IS DARK AND RAINY AND WINDY AND TERRIBLE AND I HATE ITS GUTS TO BITS I HATE IT!
WHEN I ASK CANDACE 'WHAT'S STUFF I HATE' AND SHE SAYS 'I DON'T KNOW!'
WHEN PEOPLE WRITE CHECKS! IT'S 2006 PEOPLE! GET A DEBIT CARD IT'S NOT DIFFICULT IF YOU HAVE A CHECKING ACCOUNT THEY WILL GIVE YOU ONE! IT'S CALLED THE TWENTY-FIRST CENTURY FOR A REASON!
WHEN PEOPLE COM EINTO MY PLACE OF WORK (WHICH IS THE GAP WHICH I ALSO DON'T LIKE) AND ASK IF WE CARRY LEVI'S! WHAT THE HECK IS UP WITH THAT!
QUESTION MARKS!

{whew} Glad I got that off my chest.

Because the Big Red Robot's All About Education & Whatnot

Today class, I will enlighten your brains with a post about M.O.D.O.K. I was thinking about doing a comics post on Doctor Doom or the Thing, two of my favorite comic characters, like, ever, but they'll have to wait. Everyone waits for M.O.D.O.K.

"But Dylan, I have no clue what you're talking about. It's like you're just typing letters and making no sense here. What is your deal?" Easy there, my young pupil. All will be explained. Maybe.

See, in my book arts class today, I made a M.O.D.O.K. reference and nobody got it. I mean, what the heck are they teaching kids in school these days? This, my friends, is what is wrong with America. Freaking Liberal media and treehuggers and whatnot.

See, M.O.D.O.K. is one of the best comic creations like, ever. First off, he looks like this:

From an aesthetic point of view, M.O.D.O.K. is a gigantic pruny baby head with super Kirbytech that helps him fly and shoot lasers and whatnot.

Yeah, pretty amazing.

But wait... it gets amazinger. "What," you may ask, "does M.O.D.O.K. stand for?" Well, I'm glad you asked becaus ethat is the kicker. M.O.D.O.K. stands for Mental Organism Designed Only for Killing, which would look great on a business card. Or a personalized license plate. Or a t-shirt. Or on the front of an apron... beats the heck out of "Kiss the Cook."

Acronym names rule. In fact, they rule so much I shall give myself one. M.O.D.O.K., you have inspired me. From here on out, I shal be known as H.O.T.B.O.D.(&.E.T.C.): Human Organism Totally Built to Only Design (& Eating The Cookies).

That's catchy.

Oh, and there's some origin for him that is crazy, like the terrorist organizatiuon A.I.M. (Advanced Idea Mechanics, I believe, the Marvel U is thick with acronyms) they wanted to give him a bigger brain but he revolted and ended up taking over AIM. Or something. Whatever.

All you really need to know is the following:
Big baby head.
Crazy Kirbytech.
Designed Only For Killing.

That should dazzle anyone at an upcoming holiday party. In fact, you should tell your boss all about M.O.D.O.K. He (or she) will be so impressed that I personally guarantee* you will get a raise, a personal secretary and an office the size of Delaware. So says H.O.T.B.O.D.(&.E.T.C.)!

So, there's M.O.D.O.K. in a nutshell. Sure there's much much more to be discussed about him and his awesomeness, but that's why they invented Wikipedia and I am too lazy to cut & paste it here because I want to go eat cookies. I will, however, leave you with a cute little mini-M.O.D.O.K. Don't let his size fool you! He is Designed Only for Killing!

*This guarantee is totally fake and I am such a dirty liar. That's what you get for trusting people with acronym names.

Things I Think Are Cool (In No Particular Order)

The song "Ghosts Of A Different Dream," from the Guided By Voices album Under the Bushes, Under the Stars.
Chocolate glazed Krispy Kreme donuts.
Comic books.
Books by Kurt Vonnegut.
Old t-shirts.
Doc Savage.
The Empire Strikes Back.
Typography.
Robins.
Love.
The cover to Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band.
The cover to Pet Sounds, as well as the entirety of that purely genius album.
The Pacific Ocean. It really is better than the Atlantic.
A good Bagel.
The sound of airplanes.
The smell of freshly cut grass and the smell of gasoline.
Robots, jetpacks and laserguns. And psychic powers. And wolfmen.
Atlantis.
Seaguy.
Polaroid cameras.
Christmas.
My new Chucks.
The Flaming Lips.
America, despite all her flaws and imperialistic snarls.
Family.
Truth.
Spirit.
Woody Allen in Take the Money And Run.
My few, true friends. You know who you are.
Laughing.
Watermelon.
Creamsicles.
Toys.
Music.
Inspiration.
Candace, Candace, Candace. Forever & ever, amen.
Boulder Dam which I will always refer to as Hoover Dam because I am old school and I like it like that. It looks especially beautiful on a summer night.
Sleeping.
Dreaming.
When I manage to not be a total meanie.
My little sis, Sadie.
The moon.
Martians.
Astronauts.
Fireworks.
Sparkle Power!
A cold glass of water.
Monarch butterflies.
Driving long distances with my lady at my side.
Trees.
Empty parking lots.
The song "Space Junk," by Devo.
My favorite band since I was like 14, Talking Heads.
When you can see your breath outside, but it's still just sweatshirt weather.
The idea of summer.
Forever long blog posts about nothing.
James freaking Brown.
The streetlights on Ballinger Drive, circa 1990.
Castlerocker, the blog.
Guitars.
Listening to live music.
The smell of the coffee aisle at the supermarket.
Luchadores.
Superheroes.
Kids who can skateboard.
People who smile.
Hugs.
Super Mario 3.
A new haircut.
The TV show Lost.
Pajamas.

The word, "Goodnight."

Intentionally Inflamatory Statement Week - The Final Fire!

The Final Statement! This isit. Try not to cry too much.

The Final Intentionally Inflammatory Statement is:

"Homeowners associations are miniature fascist regimes."

... and I'm finished. Until next time.