1.03.2008

Little-Known Celebrity Facts, vol. 1!

Welcome to the maiden voyage of Little-Known Celebrity Facts, where I fill you in on secrets about your favorite public figures.

Did you know? That lovable galoot Brad Garrett, of Everybody Loves Raymond fame and who is also on that other show on Fox that's unbelievably terrible, is actually half grizzly bear? It's true! His mother was a chestnut-furred she-bear and his father was a Park Ranger in Yosemite National Park. A very sick, very lonely Park Ranger.

After a night of passion, Garrett's mother ripped the sleeping Park Ranger to bits, as bears are wont to do, horrible killing machines that they are.

After giving birth to the monstrous half-breed, the mother left young Garrett to fend for himself in the wild. It is believed that several Bigfoot sightings were actually a famished young Garrett scavenging for food in camp sites and dumpsters.

Garrett, by now a seven foot tall 8 year old was found by Royal and Margaret Garrett, a couple who owned a small plumbing supply store in Burbank, California. Unable to conceive due to a horrible badminton accident, the Garretts took the feral boy and raised him as their own, never revealing his true nature to him.

Garrett's start in showbiz was in a commercial for "I Can't Believe It's Not Peanut Butter," a soy-based sandwich spread for people with allergies to nuts and other legumes. It tastes sort of like rubber bands and bug spray, but it's oh so creamy. A part as a stand-in for Bigfoot in Harry and the Hendersons soon followed. But it was his role as dyslexic figure skater Harry Turtini in the Lifetime Channel production, noissaP fO sedalB that won Garrett wide recognition.

He lives in Malibu with his two children, Larry and Perry and his wife Nora, who is a cocker spaniel.

1 comment:

b3n said...

Dylan, that's pretty cheap. I mean, you can't just copy and paste the Wikipedia entry for the guy and pass it off as your own.

Plagiarist.

/disgusted