I Had It ... & I Lost It

If I told you how many times I sat in front of an empty "Create Post" screen only to come up with nothing in the way of delicious, nutritious new postiness, you wouldn't believe me. You'd say, "Dylan, seriously, you tried to post that many times and came up dry every. Single. Time? You are like some kind of a liar or something." But I am not a liar. I am a truther. Honest Abe, I have not been able to scrape anything together for my fellow Internet denizens as of late.

What is wrong with me? Did whatever organ that controls bloggingness suddenly stop functioning? Did the well of potential posts dry up in some freakish, Dust Bowl-type of mind drought? Am I a total blogging has-been? Seriously, am I like the Jason Priestly of blogging? Because for a while there I had a good thing going, and now, now I fear I will never have another good idea on what to post on again. Ever.

Is this what the end feels like? Because it sort of feels like something that sucks big time.

Can you help? What should I be blogging about? Seriously, I need help. I stand before you a broken man. Please put my blogmind back together again with the Crazy Glue of your brain juices. Please, Obi Wan Kenobi ... you're my only hope...

Abraham, Zombies & John

John Kendall is a man of action. While the rest if us are sitting around, thinking to ourselves, "Man, I should really print out that D.I.Y. Abe Dylan/I posted and take some awesome/hilarious pictures," John Kendall is out there doing it. Because that's the kind of man he is. Here's John's D.I.Y. Abe getting attacked by zombies:



Excellent. Has anybody else done one of these yet? I'm doing one this weekend for sure.

Also, I just swatted at a fly that landed on my monitor and I think I killed it, but I don't see a corpse, so I'm unable to determine it's vital status. Should I presume the little fella dead, or do I wait a few days before notifying the authorities/making funeral arrangements? I have no idea what the protocol is here.

Oh, never mind. A fly just buzzed past me. Looked like the same one. Segmented eyes. Sucker face. Vaguely poo-y smell. I guess I've got some killin' to do tonight.

Heads Are Gonna Roll

When I'm President of the You Ess Uv Hey!, some things are gonna change. I got some like, ideas and stuff:

I will add another hour to the day that will sit comfortably between 2:00 am and 3:00 am so we can all get an extra hour of sleep. You're welcome. It's the least I can do for you people. You beautiful, sexy, intelligent people.

I will also add another day to the week, sandwiched between Saturday and Sunday. I will name this day either "Sunderday," "Satursun," or "Pickles."

Nachos are a right, not a privilege.

Pants = optional. Seriously, those "No shoes, no shirt, no service" signs? They say nothing about pants. Lose 'em if you wanna. It's a free country, my fellow patriots.

Celine Dion will be tried in the Hague for crimes against humanity. The producers of Two & A Half Men will be clapped in irons in the public square to be spat upon by passersby. Paulie Shore will be burned in effigy and then in reality.

We will bomb a country within my first 100 days. The decision on which country gets it and gets it good will be entirely dependent on what my bowl of Alpha Bits decides to spell out. So, country of Gljoahionizxlzsdsanroituvnkhgergveiiasdidad, you'd better watch out. We're coming for you.

Bob Pollard will be my Secretary of Education & Rocking Out. John Shaft will serve as my Secretary of Whoop-A$$. Kurt Vonnegut's ghost will be appointed Deputy of Awesome. The George W. Bush Library will be renamed "The Hall Of Justice" and painted hot pink. Its shelves will be crammed with comics written and drawn by a team of mediums channeling Jack Kirby.

No more repetitive state names. "Bobcat Goldthwaite" will become the legal name of South Dakota. North Dakota will become "Electric Ladyland." To, you know, sex it up a bit. South Carolina will stay the same, just lose the "South." North Carolina, however will have its name changed to "Pooperville."

The American flag will no longer be red, white and blue. Instead it will be orange, purple and lime green. And stars are soooo played out. How about little smiling Corey Feldman faces? 50 of them. Yeah, that's better.

The Secret Service will be replaced by gigantic purple panthers. Anybody who messes with me will get eaten. One of these panthers will have a saddle that I can ride. Y'know, like Skeletor.

Camp X-Ray will be retrofitted to house its new residents: anyone who was won a Country Music Award in the last 15 years. You're welcome.

Wyoming, you're out. Sorry. Go find another country to stink up. We'll split Vermont up into "Nobody Lives Here" and "Here Either." There, we're back to 50 states. Easy-peasy.

New national anthem = This.

Finally, every man, woman and child would wake up happy, healthy and not hungry. Also, they would know how to break-dance.

The end. Remember: A vote for me is a vote for nachos.

An Honest Good Time

Remember that list I posted with the "TOP SECRET" stamp over part of it? Well, here was what was so secret. For some reason, the idea popped into my head and I couldn't still giggling as I sketched it in my notebook.

It's a Do-It-Yourself Abraham Lincoln kit. DIY ABE for short.

Now you can realize your dream of being the President of the United States of America. The 16th President, to be exact. Just download the kit and follow the directions. Once you have transformed yourself into Honest Abe, take a picture and e-mail it to me. The crazier the picture, the better. I'll post it here and, if I get enough of them, I'll start a Flickr set for them.

I promise not to do a DIY John Wilkes Booth, so you won't have to worry about assassination. You can relax and enjoy that play, Our American Cousin, with your mentally unstable wife who sometimes beats you up. Long live the Union!

Rock Around the Clock

Okay, so really quick here:

Firstly, I added a Last.fm radio station to the sidebar. It's my radio station. Which makes me feel cool. You can pop it out and listen while you're working! Yay! I just added it (using funds from my sad little Paypal account), so I haven't had much of a chance to play with it, so if it plays weird stuff now and then... sorry.

Also, I was browsing over at Rotofugi and came across this guy:

You can purchase him here, if you have $70 bucks just laying around. I don't. [sigh] Japanese Santa Claus, where are you now? I really wanted an Big Abe Lincoln Wearing An Eyepatch t-shirt, but they are out of my size. Curse you, average-sized torso! Curse you forever!

Anyway, I still need a couple of addresses. I'm hoping to get the mixtapes out by early next week, so HURRY!