Heads Are Gonna Roll

When I'm President of the You Ess Uv Hey!, some things are gonna change. I got some like, ideas and stuff:

I will add another hour to the day that will sit comfortably between 2:00 am and 3:00 am so we can all get an extra hour of sleep. You're welcome. It's the least I can do for you people. You beautiful, sexy, intelligent people.

I will also add another day to the week, sandwiched between Saturday and Sunday. I will name this day either "Sunderday," "Satursun," or "Pickles."

Nachos are a right, not a privilege.

Pants = optional. Seriously, those "No shoes, no shirt, no service" signs? They say nothing about pants. Lose 'em if you wanna. It's a free country, my fellow patriots.

Celine Dion will be tried in the Hague for crimes against humanity. The producers of Two & A Half Men will be clapped in irons in the public square to be spat upon by passersby. Paulie Shore will be burned in effigy and then in reality.

We will bomb a country within my first 100 days. The decision on which country gets it and gets it good will be entirely dependent on what my bowl of Alpha Bits decides to spell out. So, country of Gljoahionizxlzsdsanroituvnkhgergveiiasdidad, you'd better watch out. We're coming for you.

Bob Pollard will be my Secretary of Education & Rocking Out. John Shaft will serve as my Secretary of Whoop-A$$. Kurt Vonnegut's ghost will be appointed Deputy of Awesome. The George W. Bush Library will be renamed "The Hall Of Justice" and painted hot pink. Its shelves will be crammed with comics written and drawn by a team of mediums channeling Jack Kirby.

No more repetitive state names. "Bobcat Goldthwaite" will become the legal name of South Dakota. North Dakota will become "Electric Ladyland." To, you know, sex it up a bit. South Carolina will stay the same, just lose the "South." North Carolina, however will have its name changed to "Pooperville."

The American flag will no longer be red, white and blue. Instead it will be orange, purple and lime green. And stars are soooo played out. How about little smiling Corey Feldman faces? 50 of them. Yeah, that's better.

The Secret Service will be replaced by gigantic purple panthers. Anybody who messes with me will get eaten. One of these panthers will have a saddle that I can ride. Y'know, like Skeletor.

Camp X-Ray will be retrofitted to house its new residents: anyone who was won a Country Music Award in the last 15 years. You're welcome.

Wyoming, you're out. Sorry. Go find another country to stink up. We'll split Vermont up into "Nobody Lives Here" and "Here Either." There, we're back to 50 states. Easy-peasy.

New national anthem = This.

Finally, every man, woman and child would wake up happy, healthy and not hungry. Also, they would know how to break-dance.

The end. Remember: A vote for me is a vote for nachos.


barlows said...

You freakin' crack me up!

John Kendall said...

Mr. Dylan, of THE Dylan Todd. I am now going write your name into my presidential ballot this year. You stand for all the issues that are important to me. A true representative of the people!

rose said...

welcome back from your blogcation! thanks for the nice comment you left me by the way.
anyway, i was cracking up over this. round up those award winning country music artists and make them live together! can you make that be a reality show while you're at it? i don't know about the nachos or the purple theme you got going on, but if you could do that, i'd vote for you.

Dylan said...

Sarah, I apologize if my comments seemed humorous. I assure you I am serious about making America great.

John, glad to have your support. This country needs more patriots like you.

Rose, glad to help. Re: the reality show. Yeah, those are gonna be outlawed. Sorry. And I appreciate your support.