11.16.2006

Man, I Had No Clue That I Hated Gallagher So Much

I was talking to my buddy Allen tonight after my History of Design & Illustration class and somehow we got talking about 80's comedian Gallagher. You know. This guy:

Anyway, so all of the sudden I remembered how much this guy pissed me off. See, as a kid I'd always see commercials for him appearing at some casino and all they'd show was him with his gigantic mallet smashing the living be-jeepers out of fruit. "This," my adolescent mind thought, "is the definition of super-rad."

So, I imagined this great show where he just smashed stuff for like an hour, starting off small with some grapes or something and working himself up to some huge finale, where he'd smash like, I dunno, an elephant or something. Yeah, an elephant. An elephant would be awesome. "I would pay money to see that," I would think, "if I wasn't saving my money for a Nintendo because my mom & dad refuse to buy us one, I would walk to the Sahara right now, in the 100-plus-degree heat and see me some of that. Oops, Alf is on. Gotta run." Aaaah, to be 26 again.

So fast-forward a few years later, after I've meticulously planned out this (perhaps literally) mind-blowing show for Gallagher where he smashes everything in sight because, well, he does have a mallet and, well, wouldn't you?, and I'm flipping around and "Hey! There's a Gallagher special on! Cool! Let's see some smashing."

And what do I get? A lot of really lame jokes. Stuff that's just not funny. What the heck?! This guy's a lame comedian? I thought it was some weird and awesome performance art or something. Not only is he a lousy comedian but a prop comedian? That's like two levels down from radio dee-jay on the unfuny-o-meter. And radio dee-jays are like two levels down from cancer. And pestilence. Not funny. And he makes you sit through this entire lame-o show before he smashes... a watermelon or two. A watermelon?! What the?! Frea! King! Hippie! What are you thinking? Enough with the jokes about your ex-wife or taxes or airplane food or whatever! Smash some stuff! This is what they want! THIS IS WHAT IS FUNNY YOU BALDING MULLET-HEADED HIPPIE PINHEAD! NO JOKEY! SMASHY! HULK IS STRONGEST THERE IS!

Also, your pants are stupid.

Anyway, so I have a real seething hatred for Gallagher which I had totally forgotten about until tonight.

The End.

5 comments:

CHANEL said...

You should start a list of freaks that annoy instead of entertain, may I suggest Ray Stevens!

Candace said...

yeah. this guys is annoying. but i did see him at circus circus adventure dome when i was in jr. high & i asked him for his autograph. he was really rude.

how do these icky people even manage to make money?

Dylan said...

I would imagine he'd be pretty rude. I always pictured him being a pervert, too for some reason. Maybe it's the hair.

Man I hate him.

Castle Rocker said...

Yea, but you gotta admit, he cleaned up big time for his new show, The OC.

Dylan said...

Actually, that's his twin brother, Peter. Peter smashes vegetables, Leo smashes fruit. That's how you can tell them apart. Together that are a produce man's worst nightmare.