3.21.2007

As My Homie Prince Would Say: Sign O' the Times, Baby

Oh. My. Gosh. Castlerocker has updated.

Does this mean the End is nigh? If so, I totally have to use those video rental coupons before the world ends. Any suggestions on what to rent? And don't say Pirates of the Carribean 2 - that's just not at all funny.

Man, that movie was atrocious. I get downright vehement when I think of how awful that piece of crap was. (I refuse to refer to it as a "film," because that'd be an insult to cinema... and really awful snapshots. And your high school yearbook photo. And the stuff that builds up on your teeth between dentist visits.)

I mean, Pirates 2 was a multi-kajillion dollar production with roughly three million people working on it throughout its execution and you're telling me that at no point someone, anyone, could have laid off the crack pipe long enough to say:

"Wait, this is really dumb. I mean, there's no dramatic structure here. Like at all. It's just a bunch of stupid set pieces held together by increasingly tiring performances by actors who should really be trying harder and ridiculous special-effects. Maybe we should just burn this and start over. Maybe make a Space Mountain movie instead. I hear Gary Coleman's open. Because this - this is trash. And not good trash, like Dude, Where's My Car? This is like trash trash. The kind you throw away because it's making you gag. The kind you feel bad about making the garbage man have to throw into the truck. This is just... stupid."

No, apparently everyone involved in making this piece of crap is, apparently, completely mentally insane. Just totally crazy, crack-smoking nutjobs.

Because not only did they not send it back, but they said, "Oh yeah! A totally unlikeable Jack Sparrow versus Octopus-Face Man? Sweet! And hey, let's make it so that, like, once you've been watching if for like, 45 minutes you have no idea what's happening! How aweome would that be? I mean, who says you have to understand things like character motivation or setting or even who people are? I say just throw Johnny Depp in some weird rope ball thing and dangle him off a cliff and start counting the money. Oh! You know what else would be cool? If it were two-and-a-half hours long and then just ended! How cool is that? Hey, do you have any more crack that I can smoke because I just smoked all of my crack and now I need to smoke some more crack so we can figure out how to kill Jack Sparrow and make it so the audience could care less. I mean, who says you have to like your main characters? Or your secondary characters? Or the midget with the monkey? Nerds, that's who."

See, it's a bit of a sore spot for me.

Anyway, so I leave tomorrow. I will try to update with some sort of frequency, but I can't promise anything. Until then, peace in the you-know-where.

4 comments:

Caitlin said...

Come on, Dylan. We're talking about a Disney movie here. I do have to agree that it was terribly anticlimactic...

Good luck in Cleveland and with the new gig.

Dylan said...

Disney movie or not, it still needs to make sense.

Part of the frustration that this movie causes stems from the fact that the first one - though it was a big, dumb, unashamed blockbuster - was smart in its big dumbness (if that makes sense), whereas this one was just... dumb.

Plus, whereas the first film was fun, the sequel was like work to get through. There wasn't an exciting or fun moment in the entire two-and-a-half hours of it, just continuous, plodding "action," that felt as flat as Gwen Stafani's chest.

Oh yes I did.

T.Brown said...

www.askanija.com http://www.askaninja.com/node/1175
Check it out.

courtnee said...

Thanks to you I will not be seeing this movie. It is on my netflix picks, but I will be removing it from my list.
Good Luck in Cleveland....I am so excited for your family.