Things I Know

I'm 30. You don't get to be that old without learning a thing or two. So today on Big Red Robot, I'm going to allow you to drink from my cup of experience; but just a sip. If I give it all to you now, there will be nothing left for later, right? So, without any more strange metaphors, here are 30 Things I Know:

1. When first meeting someone, it is considered impolite to ask them why in the world they would think a goatee is a good idea.
2. Pirates Of the Caribbean 2 was the worst movie ever. At least until Pirates 3 comes out.
3. Don't punch old people, no matter how much they are asking for it.
4. Nobody likes a tattletale. Everybody likes pizza. So, if you're going to tattle, bring pizza.
5. If Diet Coke starts tasting good, you are officially old.
6. If someone tells you to "Make yourself at home" - keep your pants on. Trust me on this one.
7. There is always someone cooler than you.
8. There's no such thing as the Boogeyman. Sasquatch; that's another story entirely.
9. If everybody else jumps off of a bridge, don't do it - just to spite your mom.
10. The following things are considered "not appropriate" (society's words, not mine) to give as a gift to a four-year-old child: a pet octopus, a scimitar, a bag full of glass shards, a copy of Nabokov's Lolita (Hello? It's a classic?), scuba gear, a harpoon gun, a crossbow, a handsome 12-piece knife set, a Richard Nixon mask, a family of porcupines, a doll that has been possessed by the spirit of a serial killer, a book entitled Santa Claus Is Not Real: A True Story, grandma's dentures, an antique cannon, a Gila monster, a bag of human hair, or a prosthetic limb. I know, weird, right?
11. No matter where in the world you go, there will always be crazy people.
12. There is no such thing as a free lunch. There is such a thing as a stolen lunch.
13. Star Trek is boring.
14. War is not the answer. The answer is "pickled herring."
15. The stereotype that Americans are loud, fat and stupid is, sadly, mostly true.
16. Beef jerky is not a food group. But it should be.
17. "A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush," is a really dumb aphorism. Seriously, who eats birds?
18. Cavemen had it rough.
19. If you see a dinosaur: RUN.
20. There is nothing funny about an injured clown. Actually, there's everything funny about an injured clown.
21. People and their freaking. cell. phones. Seriously, do you have to talk so loud? I don't care that you bought two ink cartridges, or that one was $14.50 and the other $18. Shut. Up.
22. There is nothing funnier than Walker, Texas Ranger.
23. Break dancing is awesome. Anyone who says differently is a Communist.
24. You cannot give yourself a nickname. That's just sad.
25. Actors get paid a ridiculous amount of money to pretend they're someone else. Athletes get paid a ridiculous amount of money to play games. People in service professions get paid next-to-nothing to deal with people who are rude to them. Remember this next time you have to deal with a surly employee at wherever.
26. Every day is a gift. Some days, you wish there was a gift receipt.
27. High school is the worst four years of your life. Anybody who says differently is a Communist.
28. There's nothing wrong with delusions of grandeur.
29. If you are at a party and feel like dancing, you really can't go wrong with "the Robot." If that fails, there's always "The Cabbage Patch." That ought to do it.
30. The two saddest words in the English language are: "The End." A close second are the words: "Dead kittens."

Do you feel smarter?

1 comment:

Patti said...

Seriously . . . it hurts I'm laughing so hard.