Bullets Fired From the Space Gun

* Sometimes I wonder if, when the aliens/robots/post-apocalyptic cyborg merpeople are searching through the ruins of our society, they will look and say, "Wow. These people really liked Everybody Loves Raymond. Look at this TV Guide. It's on like all of the time. No wonder they went extinct."

* I watched The Hudsucker Proxy again this weekend. Dude, that movie is so dang excellent.

* All I really want out of life is peace, happiness and a personal jetpack. Maybe a backrub now and then. Is that too much to ask for?

* I wonder if Michael Jackson ever walked up to someone, punched them in the mouth and then said "You've been hit by a smooth criminal." I sure hope so. That's just too good to pass up.

* I can't believe someone beat me to killing that accursed Bigfoot. Oh well, down the list we goes. Look out Nessie!

* Ladies & gents, the cover to September's mix, Hot Dog; featuring tracks from Gomez, Supergrass, The Stones, The Kinks and Roxy Music, among others.

* And finally, I received this on Friday. Oh man, Jack Kirby was incredible, wasn't he? It's like somebody poured 100% pure, uncut incredible on to close to 400 pages, never realizing that the world is just not ready for that much awesome in one sitting. And people, this is volume one of four equally-sized volumes. Think about that. And then there's the O.M.A.C. collection, his Etrigan the Demon stuff and the Kamandi Archive Editions. And that's just his late-period DC stuff. That doesn't take into account his late-period Marvel stuff like Devil Dinosaur or The Eternals or all the stuff he did when he pretty much birthed - or at least midwifed (is that the proper term when you're referring to a man? "Midhusbanded"? Who knows?!) - the entire Marvel Universe. And this is all stuff from ONE. PERSON. Unbelievable.

Sadie & I flipped through it before she went to bed and she is now familiar with the New Gods, the Forever People and Mister Miracle. My proper fatherly duties = accomplished. I can pretty much die now and know that I've done what I was put here for. From here on out, it's all gravy. Delicious, beefy gravy.

Anyway, So I've Been Thinking

I've been thinking about New Year's Resolutions for some reason this week. Normally, I think they're a load of crap. Well-meaning crap, but crap nonetheless (you know, sort of like America's Most Wanted). Last year I had hoped to read an average of a book a month, which I pretty much did. I also had the goal of posting on this blog 365 times. It's looking like I'll hit (and hopefully exceed) that number. That I have accomplished these feats is excellent, as I have never accomplished a New Year's Resolution like, ever. Right, barely-started awesome comic book script? Right, showering at least once a week? Right, cure for cancer? Right?

So, anyway, I've been thinking, and this is my long list (some of which are fake, but I guess you'll have to figure out which ones) of possible New Year's Resolutions:

* Eat 125 tacos.

* Write something of a substantial length (essay, short story, review, etc.) every month.

* Have a monthly mixtape giveaway for the faithful blog readers/commenters.

* Learn to speak Elvish. No, not "Elvis." "Elvish." It's what elves speak. Why would I want to speak "Elvis"? That's just nerdy.

* Take public transportation whenever possible.

* Find some way to volunteer for that one politician I really admire but shall not name for fear of hate comments because for some reason once you start talking politics on the internets, some people (not you people, of course. You people are good, decent, level-headed people. I mean those other people. You know the ones. NASCAR types. Them.) just stop being civil and forget that other people might see things differently than they themselves do.

* Stay caffiene free, baby.

* Wear more sombreros.

* Ty not to get too excited about the new Star Trek movie, despite the fact it will most likely rock my socks clean off.

* Make my way through the 36 chambers of Shaolin Kung Fu and defeat the dark master that waits inside that final and deadly chamber.

* Resist the urge to grow a mustache, even as a joke.

* Purple.

* Pick up my sobbing guitar and play it every now & then.

* Continue with my Picture Of the Week (aka POW!). Finish off that roll of film still left in my Holga. Use the Lomo Quadshot more.

* Continue to rage against the machine. And by "machine" I mean "the evil that is the jelly donut."

* Think about maybe starting some sort of exercise thing. Because I am getting old.

* Play more video games. Seriously.

* Kill that darned Sasquatch once and for all.

Anyway, so that's the long list. Care to help me weed it down? I know, hard to pick, right? Well, if you want to help, comment below.

More Silly Stuff That I Think That I Need

I need this Gama-Go Yeti wallet.

Immediately.

We Are Going To Rock

We are going to blow out the speakers on the stereo.
We are going to tear the roof off of this sucker.
We are going to party like it is going to be 1999.
Or 1899 for that matter.
We are going to dance until our legs fall off.
We are going to party like it was going out of business.
We are going to sing songs that haven't been written by anyone on this planet, we will sing them so loud the moon will cry because its ears hurt.
We are going to kick this party out the door and then invite it back in, only to kick it out again.
We are going to throw the kind of party that you can only experience in history books.
We are going to rock like Napoleon Bonaparte.
We are going to rock like Pablo Picasso.
We are going to rock like Vasco da Gama.
We are going to party until the sun burns up.
We are going to party until we run out of music.
If there is a world record for rocking, we will break it to pieces.
We are going to rock like electric robots on fire.
Our party will rock so hard that the crust of the earth will rupture, spilling out massive amounts of molten hot awesome that will burn us all to cinders.
We are going to party like astronaut explorers being ripped apart by a black hole.
We are going to party like hypnotized donkeys.
We are going to party like breakdancing kung fu masters.
We are going to rock like Godzilla, Bruce Lee and Frankenstein teaming up to beat the living bejeepers out of Dracula, the Mummy and the Wolfman.
And Mothra.
And Martha Stewart.
And that one guy with that beard that comes out to here.
And Keanu Reeves.
We are going to kick this party like it is a bad habit like heroin or listening to Rush Limbaugh.
We are going to rock like 76 electric guitars wailing in the darkness of a scorpions heart.
We are going to rock like kittens drinking a saucer of milk.
We are going to rock like rattlesnakes who have grown to an unimaginable size.
We are gong to rock like Batman and Superman got into a fight over who their favorite Spice Girl is and they didn't speak to each other for weeks.
We are going to explode the sun with our rockingness.
Our party will become the legends of future civilizations.
Our ability to rock is second to none.
We will not be out-rocked.
Everything must be rocked.
The ottoman.
The electric can opener.
The other can opener that you have to turn with your hand.
The butter knives.
The bones of dinosaurs.
The unicorns of Norway.
The pet rock collection.
The stained glass windows depicting how we rock.
The entire set of Franklin Mint commemorative plates.
Potsy, Mouth, Richie and especially the Fonze.
They must all be rocked.
We are going to rock our faces right off of our heads and it will be so much better than that movie with John Travolta and Nicholas Cage.
We are going to rock like tube socks made from electric eels with electric eyes and electric toothbrushes.
We are going to rock with the combined power of all of Jack "King" Kirby creations.
Which is a lot of power.
We are going to party like pirates on the high seas of love.
We are going to rock like it is the law and we must obey it.
We are going to rock like the Pythagorean Theorem.
Like the Berlin Wall.
Like a baby's scream.
Like a bobcat's tail.
Like the wild blue yonder.
Like a special effect.
Like the moon on the water.
Like the ocean's tears.
We are going to rock so hard, Bigfoot will come our of hiding and regain his rightful place as King of the World.
We are going to rock because we know of nothing else we do as well.
We are going to rock because we like - no - love it.

We are going to rockrockrock.

Oh yes, indeed.

...If I can just find that Paula Abdul cassette.

Things I Know

I'm 30. You don't get to be that old without learning a thing or two. So today on Big Red Robot, I'm going to allow you to drink from my cup of experience; but just a sip. If I give it all to you now, there will be nothing left for later, right? So, without any more strange metaphors, here are 30 Things I Know:

1. When first meeting someone, it is considered impolite to ask them why in the world they would think a goatee is a good idea.
2. Pirates Of the Caribbean 2 was the worst movie ever. At least until Pirates 3 comes out.
3. Don't punch old people, no matter how much they are asking for it.
4. Nobody likes a tattletale. Everybody likes pizza. So, if you're going to tattle, bring pizza.
5. If Diet Coke starts tasting good, you are officially old.
6. If someone tells you to "Make yourself at home" - keep your pants on. Trust me on this one.
7. There is always someone cooler than you.
8. There's no such thing as the Boogeyman. Sasquatch; that's another story entirely.
9. If everybody else jumps off of a bridge, don't do it - just to spite your mom.
10. The following things are considered "not appropriate" (society's words, not mine) to give as a gift to a four-year-old child: a pet octopus, a scimitar, a bag full of glass shards, a copy of Nabokov's Lolita (Hello? It's a classic?), scuba gear, a harpoon gun, a crossbow, a handsome 12-piece knife set, a Richard Nixon mask, a family of porcupines, a doll that has been possessed by the spirit of a serial killer, a book entitled Santa Claus Is Not Real: A True Story, grandma's dentures, an antique cannon, a Gila monster, a bag of human hair, or a prosthetic limb. I know, weird, right?
11. No matter where in the world you go, there will always be crazy people.
12. There is no such thing as a free lunch. There is such a thing as a stolen lunch.
13. Star Trek is boring.
14. War is not the answer. The answer is "pickled herring."
15. The stereotype that Americans are loud, fat and stupid is, sadly, mostly true.
16. Beef jerky is not a food group. But it should be.
17. "A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush," is a really dumb aphorism. Seriously, who eats birds?
18. Cavemen had it rough.
19. If you see a dinosaur: RUN.
20. There is nothing funny about an injured clown. Actually, there's everything funny about an injured clown.
21. People and their freaking. cell. phones. Seriously, do you have to talk so loud? I don't care that you bought two ink cartridges, or that one was $14.50 and the other $18. Shut. Up.
22. There is nothing funnier than Walker, Texas Ranger.
23. Break dancing is awesome. Anyone who says differently is a Communist.
24. You cannot give yourself a nickname. That's just sad.
25. Actors get paid a ridiculous amount of money to pretend they're someone else. Athletes get paid a ridiculous amount of money to play games. People in service professions get paid next-to-nothing to deal with people who are rude to them. Remember this next time you have to deal with a surly employee at wherever.
26. Every day is a gift. Some days, you wish there was a gift receipt.
27. High school is the worst four years of your life. Anybody who says differently is a Communist.
28. There's nothing wrong with delusions of grandeur.
29. If you are at a party and feel like dancing, you really can't go wrong with "the Robot." If that fails, there's always "The Cabbage Patch." That ought to do it.
30. The two saddest words in the English language are: "The End." A close second are the words: "Dead kittens."

Do you feel smarter?

Lucky Day

There is one, I repeat one, CD left. Who wants it?

One more question: Who would in a fight between Sasquatch and Nessie, the Loch Ness monster? The answer will be in the comment section.

*Title from the Tom Waits/William S. Burroughs collaboration, The Black Rider which is as weird as it sounds. Good weird, but still weird.

This One Time...

I saw Bigfoot. No joke.