My Brain Is Valuable

The Cleveland Plain Dealer, the local newspaper, ran a little profile on me as part of its "Brain Gain" feature. I am now famous. You can read the blurb online right here. I'm a little sad they don't have my profile picture posted online, as I looked pretty smoking hot. Derek Zoolander better watch out.

Now that I've been in the newspaper, I feel just a little bit better than everyone else for some reason. Is this what it's like to be Brittany "Paris" Lohan, Esq.? It feels so wrong, but so... right. I promise that fame won't change me, though.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go take my underwear off in a lingerie store, steal a wig or two, check into rehab, have a fight with my mom, fistfight an old lady in a wheelchair, buy 13 baby albino Bengal tigers to use in an underground tiger/kangaroo fighting league and have my driver drive drunk through a Sears parking lot while I yell about how much I hate the orange M&M's.

Or as I like to call it: "Just Another Wednesday".

He's A Rocket Man

Dude. I was checking Veer's "Ideas" section again and found this nugget. Some of it's amazing, some of it's merely cool, some is unimaginatively obvious and not at all cool. But still, who'd have expected so much amazing art produced in the name of He Who Has Gone Where No Man Has Gone Before - William "the Transformed Man" Shatner?

I did mention it was a link for a recent art show featuring artist's renditions of William Shatner, didn't I? I didn't? Well it is. And it's fairly impressive.

In keeping with Shatner's career over the last 20 years or so, it's all incredibly self-deprecating. I admire the man's ability to laugh at himself, because really, when your entire career is built on playing an oversexed astronaut (and it's amazing how quickly the image of Captain James T. Kirk pops int one's mind when you think of Shatner isn't it? It's like T.J. Hooker never existed. And that's a shame, really.), if you can't laugh at yourself, well... it's garden hoses and exhaust fumes, I guess. Or, you know, numbing the pain with alcohol.

So, well played Captain William T. Shatner, Canada's Favorite Son. Shine on, you crazy diamond. Shine on.

And Now A Word From... YOUR BOYFRIEND!

Meet Steve. Steve's divorced. Twice. His hobbies include putting puzzles together, eating pork rinds and yelling at the television. He's doing just fine. Would you like to do something this weekend? Steve's got two tickets to see Eddie Money. Say yes.

They Said It Couldn't Be Done, But One Man Dared... Your Boyfriend!!

Meet Giles, of the New England Haberdashersons. He is 76 years old. He likes soup and postage stamps. He has a regal moustache, one that he keeps waxed and trimmed. He has a smoking jacket made from the finest silk. And a yacht. And a tail. And his entire body, except those parts he is able to shave regularly, is covered in coarse, black hair. He also has six fingers on his left hand and 12 toes on his right foot. He coughs constantly and smells when he gets wet. Some people think that the reason for all of this is the fact that his family has been inter-marrying for the last thirteen generations. But what do they know? Those people are probably poor people and what do poor people know? Nothing. That is why they are poor. Hopefully, you will bring in some new blood. Deepen the pool, so to speak.

Did I mention that Giles is incredibly, astoundingly rich? The Habderdashersons are known as "the Carnegies of mink" in certain circles. So... think it over.

Go On And Kiss... Your Boyfriend!

Meet Francis, otherwise known as Zebulon, Heir of Bloodthrone. He likes black nail polish, black comedies, and black licorice and black. He is totally Goth. He has a cape and everything. He has a pair of custom molded fangs that he can slip over his canine teeth for special occasions - like Thursdays. Or any day to be honest. His bedroom is lit only by candles and the window is covered by a black velvet cloth. His room smells kind of moldy. Francis works in the mall at the Sunglass Hut but wishes he worked at Hot Topic because they would let him wear the cape while he was working. He rides his bike to work - cape and all. He hates everyone and everything except for you. He has socks with little skulls on them and a belt made from a rusty chain. Sometimes he wonders if he looks ridiculous. Then he hisses in the mirror and sulks away. When he grows up he wants to be a professional vampire. Or a CPA. Or both.

You Boyfriend Is Back And I'm Going To Be In Trouble!!!

Meet Martin.

He's 30. He likes heavy metal, Mad Max movies and books on tape. The last time he cried was during a laser light show set to the music of Sepultura. He's a pisces, which means he likes seafood? So my astrology's not so hot. Anyway, he owns a Dodge Dart with peeling paint and he'll be really sweet to you if you just go out with him. He'll make you a mixtape of speed metal and entitle it, "My Heart Beats Like a Double Kick Drum Only For You!!" He lives in a garage and has a waterbed and a blacklight poster of a skull. With flames. And a unicorn. On fire. He is hardcore but will love you forever and ever and will even let you wear his t-shirt that was signed by the one-armed drummer from Def Lepard even though, "they suck now." He will name you first child "Megadeth," if it's a boy and "Megabeth," if it's a girl. Say yes.

Your Boyfriend!

Your Boyfriend! Okay, so if you've never played "Your Boyfriend," here's the rundown: Basically, you find some sad person and tell a girl that that is her boyfriend. This is done by saying, "Hey, isn't that your boyfriend?" It is fun. Todays boyfriend: Skeeter.

Skeeter's 27. He enjoys dirt-biking, Pabst Blue Ribbon and Precious Moments figurines. Quote: "Hey. Wanna get wasted?"