Because You Loved Me

I made this wallpaper at work today in honor of the Olympics. It is so inspirational it will make your eyeballs explode and then you will go and win gold medals like crazy. With no eyes, even. I showed it to a squirrel and it got so motivated it enrolled in law school and now is partner at one of the largest personal injury law offices in the WORLD! Your results may vary, but eyeball exploding is guaranteed or your money back. Download it and enjoy:



There's also a blue version. You're welcome, Internets.

Heads Are Gonna Roll

When I'm President of the You Ess Uv Hey!, some things are gonna change. I got some like, ideas and stuff:

I will add another hour to the day that will sit comfortably between 2:00 am and 3:00 am so we can all get an extra hour of sleep. You're welcome. It's the least I can do for you people. You beautiful, sexy, intelligent people.

I will also add another day to the week, sandwiched between Saturday and Sunday. I will name this day either "Sunderday," "Satursun," or "Pickles."

Nachos are a right, not a privilege.

Pants = optional. Seriously, those "No shoes, no shirt, no service" signs? They say nothing about pants. Lose 'em if you wanna. It's a free country, my fellow patriots.

Celine Dion will be tried in the Hague for crimes against humanity. The producers of Two & A Half Men will be clapped in irons in the public square to be spat upon by passersby. Paulie Shore will be burned in effigy and then in reality.

We will bomb a country within my first 100 days. The decision on which country gets it and gets it good will be entirely dependent on what my bowl of Alpha Bits decides to spell out. So, country of Gljoahionizxlzsdsanroituvnkhgergveiiasdidad, you'd better watch out. We're coming for you.

Bob Pollard will be my Secretary of Education & Rocking Out. John Shaft will serve as my Secretary of Whoop-A$$. Kurt Vonnegut's ghost will be appointed Deputy of Awesome. The George W. Bush Library will be renamed "The Hall Of Justice" and painted hot pink. Its shelves will be crammed with comics written and drawn by a team of mediums channeling Jack Kirby.

No more repetitive state names. "Bobcat Goldthwaite" will become the legal name of South Dakota. North Dakota will become "Electric Ladyland." To, you know, sex it up a bit. South Carolina will stay the same, just lose the "South." North Carolina, however will have its name changed to "Pooperville."

The American flag will no longer be red, white and blue. Instead it will be orange, purple and lime green. And stars are soooo played out. How about little smiling Corey Feldman faces? 50 of them. Yeah, that's better.

The Secret Service will be replaced by gigantic purple panthers. Anybody who messes with me will get eaten. One of these panthers will have a saddle that I can ride. Y'know, like Skeletor.

Camp X-Ray will be retrofitted to house its new residents: anyone who was won a Country Music Award in the last 15 years. You're welcome.

Wyoming, you're out. Sorry. Go find another country to stink up. We'll split Vermont up into "Nobody Lives Here" and "Here Either." There, we're back to 50 states. Easy-peasy.

New national anthem = This.

Finally, every man, woman and child would wake up happy, healthy and not hungry. Also, they would know how to break-dance.

The end. Remember: A vote for me is a vote for nachos.

Blogcation = Over

I'm back. I'm rested. I'm ready. And now it's on like you-know-who. Tell yr friends. We're gonna party like it's 1699. Old school, baby.

Headlights Cut Like...

Here she is, A Knife Through the Night, a mixtape of songs for driving late at night. It's sort of the late-night cousin to No Cars Go. The sun's gone down and you're driving through the moonlight, your headlights cutting through the dark like a knife through the heart of your loneliness.

Tracklist:

01. "I have found myself tonight."
02. "I've been getting messages from outer space."
03. "A view beyond the skyline."
04. "Wanting. Needing. Feeling."
05. "Taking different roads."
06. " . . . "
07. "You've got disaster on your mind."
08. "Caught in a motion that I don't wanna stop."
09. "I know why you stare East."
10. "All the most exotic places they are cultivated."
11. "Off the map where the wild things grow."
12. "I can't see a thing in the sky."
13. "Yet my hands are shaking."
14. "Red cherries slashing up the night."
15. " . . . "
16. "Now I'm darker than the deepest sea."
17. "In the night, through the door."
18. "I guess you wouldn't call it a scene."
19. "You can forgive or you can regret."
20. "I shivered the whole night through."

Download it here.

Let's Go Away for Awhile

Hey everybody. It is with a heavy heart that I announce that, starting immediately, I will be closing down this blog.



...For the next week or two. Was that a bad place to pause? Oh, sorry. Yeah, okay. I see how that could have sent the wrong message. I'll work on


...That.

Anyway, so I'm gonna take a Blogcation. It's summer (yay!) and my life right now is pretty nuts and I've sort of hit a wall when it comes to offering up entertaining/interesting stuff to post, so I'm taking a rest for a week or two. This will give me some time to do some much-needed refocusing and decide just what this little spot of mine on the Beloved Internets is for these days, as some of my attention is diverted to the Forum (where a lot of my "Hey! Check this awesome thing out!" posts have gone) and microblogging over at Twitter (which is way fun, BTW).

Anyway, so the Mix will still drop on the first and I'll be Twittering, so it's not like I'm dying or anything. Unless I actually do die. In which case, can you book the Flaming Lips to play the wake or whatever it's called? And tell them not to skimp on the confetti. And we are so serving Swedish meatballs. I want you guys to party like never before. You deserve it. Also, just a thought: Solid. Gold. Coffin. Too tacky? What if it's covered in jewels? Hey, if I'm going out, I'm going out like a freakin' Pharaoh, man.

So anyway, enjoy yourselves. I'll be back with the all-new, all-different, all-improved Big Red Robot soon. We will be ready for business of the serious sort when we return. Believe that.

In the meantime, if you could take a moment and drop me a comment letting me know what you'd like to see more of (or less of) here, I'd sure appreciate it. I aim to please.

L8RS,
Dyl

Yumz

Holy. Freaking. Crap.

The Dark Knight = too awesome for words. Go see it. Immediately.

That is all.

Thinking Out Loud

I'm not a "tattoo guy." But if I ever got one it would probably be of an eagle with a snake writhing in its mouth and electricity bolts are shooting out of it and the eagle is clutching a skull in its razor-sharp claws. A skull that is on fire. And in the mouth of the skull is a bat which is chasing a lady wearing a shirt made from the Confederate flag and the lady has a tattoo of a wolf that is howling at the moon. And on the moon is written "Git R Done". And the moon is on fire. And dripping blood. And the blood drips make a shape that looks a lot like an eagle clutching a skull and eating an electric snake. And all of this is, of course, also on fire.

Or a dolphin on my ankle. Either way.

Dessert Island Disco, Day 10

Wowee Zowee
Pavement

More adventurous that their breakthrough album, Crooked Rain, Crooked Rain, 1995's Wowee Zowee is the Pavement album I'd listen to forever if necessary. There's plenty to keep one's attention here: "Fight This Generation," "Kennel District," "Serpentine Pad," "Pueblo," "Father To A Sister Of Thought". Basically, the entire album.

The fractured melodies, odd time shifts and obtuse lyrics were way more exciting than the boiler-plate second wave grunge that was being served up on 103.5 - the Edge (totally xtreme name, dude!) - at the time. And it's still more exciting than most, it's a classic, timeless album. Listen to 90% of anything else released in 1995 and I can guarantee you it'll sound like it was released in 1995. Not so here. It's an underground gem.

As great as the two albums that came after this are (Brighten the Corners and Terror Twilight), Pavement never quite matched the oddness displayed on this album. This is an album for defying whatever Number One has planned for you on this seemingly benign but ultimately devious little island paradise.



*******

Okay, so this has been fun. I'm sure I can do it again five years from now with an entirely different configuration, and if the Internet (not to mention America) is still around by then, maybe I will. Sound good? Mmmkay. It's a date, then.

Be sure to head over and check out Rose's list. Has anybody else given this any thought? Leave yr comments below or you can always start a discussion over at the Big Red Forum. Until next time, my fellow castaways.

Quote For the Day

"But I could never see Brian running around like the Beatles in [A Hard Day's Night]. I didn't read the fanzines - Tiger Beat and that stuff. Rolling Stone was years away, so were Crawdaddy and Creem magazines. But I read the liner notes on the Beach Boys' albums and Brian always sounded very serious. Dennis had a hot rod and a motorcycle and even then I knew he was the one the girls went weak over. Carl was a pudgy guy, too gentle. Al looked like an extra on Route 66. Mike reminded me of a guy who could stand in for Eddie Haskell on Leave It to Beaver. And Brian - Brian was off somewhere writing songs, carrying the load."

- Jim Fusilli
Pet Sounds
33 1/3 Series.