Thinking Out Loud

I'm not a "tattoo guy." But if I ever got one it would probably be of an eagle with a snake writhing in its mouth and electricity bolts are shooting out of it and the eagle is clutching a skull in its razor-sharp claws. A skull that is on fire. And in the mouth of the skull is a bat which is chasing a lady wearing a shirt made from the Confederate flag and the lady has a tattoo of a wolf that is howling at the moon. And on the moon is written "Git R Done". And the moon is on fire. And dripping blood. And the blood drips make a shape that looks a lot like an eagle clutching a skull and eating an electric snake. And all of this is, of course, also on fire.

Or a dolphin on my ankle. Either way.

To Beard Or Not To Beard... That Is the Question

First off, I apologize for the title. I am a weak man. I should have resisted, but I couldn't, or rather, didn't. I am truly sorry.

Anyway, so some of you have obviously noticed the query posed by the poll to the right. I am contemplating growing a beard. See, I hate shaving. But I also don't like being all hairy. Not that there's anything wrong with a beard. My dad has had a beard for roughly... forever. I'm pretty sure I've seen baby pictures of him. With the beard. I just don't know if I'm a beard type of guy. It takes a certain amount of commitment, y'know? Not just anyone can grow a beard.

If only there was a way to see what I might look like with a beard. Perhaps utilizing the exciting new world of computer technology to create a sophisticated rendering of me with a beard? Oh, okay. Below is the full view of what I may look like with a beard. Check it:

I know, I know. I have mad Photoshop Fu. Do not try this at home. I am a professional. "But what," you ask, "might the profile look like?" Ka-zam!

Yeah. And if that fails, there's always the mustache, right?

Wrong. That was a trick question. Mustaches are gross. Unless you're gay or a cop or a gay cop (or the Castlerocker's dad... seriously Ryan, your dad can rock a 'stache. For reals, though.), mustaches are a no-no. They are face mullet. I read that in a book somewhere. Maybe it was in the Bible. Probably the Old Testament. There's a lot of weird stuff in the Old Testament. I can't remember. I just know that they're gross. Just say "no," kids. Do the world a favor.

So, rock the vote. I'm not saying that I will side with the winning team in this debate (I mean democracy's great and all, but come on, this is my face! It's how I makes my livin'!), but I am willing to listen to what both sides have to say. Truly I am the Barack Obama of facial hair.

Who Would Win In A Fight...

Michael Knight

{or}

The Greatest American Hero.

Please explain why in 100 words or less. No copying your neighbor's answers. Cheaters will be beaten with a bar of soap in a tube sock and forced to watch every episode of Designing Women in a tub full of leeches while they groom Burt Reynolds' mustache and that annoying Avril Lavigne song (which one? There's too many to choose from!) plays full blast in the next room on a loop.

Forever and ever and ever, amen.

Because I am unforgiving when it comes to cheaters. It's sort of my shtick.

The test begins... NOW!

Crazy For Swayze

I just watched Roadhouse because there was nothing else on. I will say this: Roadhouse is easily the best movie ever made. It is why Isaac Newton, Isaac Asimov, Isaac Brock and Chris Isaak got together in their secret underground lair - the Isaackave - and invented the movie camera. It is why salmon swim upstream. It is why the sky is blue and why birds sing. It is like Walker, Texas Ranger on crack cocaine. Also, Sam Elliott is in it, which makes it 100 times better. Mathematically speaking, this makes it roughly 10 trillion times better than any movie. Ever. Basically, it's Citizen Kane. With kicking. And tight sweat pants. And mullets, sweet sassy molassey, the mullets in this movie are amazing.

Don't believe me? See for yourself:

Seriously. This movie is awesome. This I swear. If you can name me a better movie, I will not believe you. Because you are lying.

Some Musings On the Mullet

I know it's sort of easy to bag on that most hilarious of haircuts - the mullet - but I had an interesting thought today: Do you think that mullet people know they have a mullet or is there a degree of mullet denial involved?

When they go to their stylist do they say:
"Give me the #13... y'know... the mullet." Or is it more like the following exchange:

"Just take a little off the top. I like the back long. Like that Billy Ray Cyrus guy."
"You mean a mullet?"
"What? No! Are you crazy? Just short on top and long in the back."
"So... not a mullet. Just short on top and long on the sides and back?"
"Yes. Exactly. You know: 'Business up front. Party in the back.'?"
"And how is that not a mullet?"
"Mullets are... I dunno. Just different. Longer in the back maybe? Didn't you learn this at the barber college? Yeesh."
"Okay. Whatever. You're a lousy tipper anyway."

So kids, what did we learn today? Well, if your hair is long in the back and short in the front it is, in fact, a mullet, despite whatever delusional state you may find yourself in. It is a mullet. As the poet Wesley Willis once said:

Do something about your long, filthy hair
It looks like a rat's nest
Do something about your mullet
Get out the hair clippers, jerk.

- from masterpiece "Cut the Mullet" found on his Greatest Hits album

The first step is admitting you have a problem. Mullets are hideous. Hilarious, but hideous. They are a disease, but there is a cure. It's called a normal haircut. I'm sure there's some sort of mullet support group for you to join. Do it for the children. Do it for Wesley Willis. Make the world a better place:

Cut the mullet.