Soft-Boiled Wonderland & the End of Lost

First off, this is a long one. Also, it's about Lost. And S*P*O*I*L*E*R*S, too. You have been warned.



Okay, so I had this thing written about the finale of Lost and it was gonna be all about misplaced expectations and letting it end on its own without getting in its way and how Lost was a drama with mysterious elements and not a mystery with dramatic elements and all this stuff. I had extended and shaky metaphors about apples and oranges and answers and questions and all this stuff. It was pretty highbrow ish.

And then I read Geoff Klock's post on his problems with the finale and man, this dude is totally right. You should really go read it. I'll wait.

.......

His theory that the endgame of Lost was retooled (and eventually shunted into the Sideways World/Afterlife Construct/Purgatory we've seen over the last season) once the show became popular and their rather intelligent and rabid fanbase pegged the ending pretty early on totally explains some of the more nagging problems people have had in getting everything to lay down just right. And I can understand their frustration with its inability to do so. Human beings like order. But by its nature as a televisions series – as art in service of commerce and tight deadlines – Lost just isn't going to come out perfectly no matter how much we'd like it to.

As I said in the comments thread on the post, TV is a messy medium, especially network TV. When all is said and done, a network television show is a work of art created as a shell for advertising and, hopefully, syndication. It's created solely to make money. If some art sneaks in with that money-making; fine. Whatever. But let's not kid ourselves. The fact that any of these dollar-vessels achieve any sort of success beyond that purpose (and I think we can all agree that a lot of TV shows don't) is a small miracle. The ambition of Damon, Carlton and their production and writing staff is to be applauded. They took a fairly disposable, unappreciated medium – the television drama – and set out to say something about humanity. Now, whether you feel that they were successful or not is another thing entirely and that's between you and the universe. As I said, I think they were successful, despite the best efforts of fate.

Being as this is a serialized drama with real actors and real-life constrictions, both monetary and otherwise (for example: Walt having to leave the Island because the actor playing him hit puberty, Ana Lucia/Libby being killed off because of DUI charges, Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje's Mr. Eko character being killed because he was bored with the show, large swaths of the third season that exist solely to kill time while the show was retooled to work for another three seasons), sometimes stuff gets tossed out. Sometimes bad ideas find their way into the mix and end up forgotten once calmer heads prevail. ("Stranger In A Strange Land," anyone?) Sometimes opportunities get missed. Somebody somewhere in the Internet said, derisively, that Lost was just a glorified soap opera and yesyesyes, it totally is, but does that mean it's devoid of worth? Like I said, it's messy and the fact that this show managed to pull this much off while still remaining fairly popular is a small miracle.

Which is why I am prone to cut this show some major slack. Its ambition overpowers its shortcomings, in my opinion, but then again, I really respect ambition. I'm more inclined to overlook little incongruities and misfires if the artist/author/et cetera aims high and falls short. It's like this guy says about an even more flawed series and finale – Grant Morrison's noddle-cooking ending to Final Crisis – it's flawed, but still ultimately succeeds solely because it's trying so hard. Does everything about Lost fit together like some Swiss grandfather clock, immaculately designed and constructed and built to run for lifetimes? No. Is it still one of my favorite TV series and, in my opinion, one of the better ones in recent memory? Absolutely.

Because where else are you going to see a TV drama focusing on the debate between free will and predestination? Or if we can ever overcome our past? Or the importance of community and living together? I know it's sort of a cop-out to say "Lost has always been about the characters, not about Jacob and his brother or time travel or whatever so shut up, dude on the Internet." I know that it's a cop-out, but it's also sort of true. I was always more invested in whether Jack could overcome his need to control Every. Little. Thing. or if Locke could stop being angry with his dad or if Kate could stop running from catastrophe to catastrophe or if Hurley would embrace his destiny or if Ben could really not be a creepy, manipulative creepoid.

So here we are. A month or so later. Everything that happened, happened. And it only ends once. Everything else is progress. Our Castaways found some sort of peace in a non-/multi-denominational afterlife (the Sideways World) after struggling through their problems on the Island. It was pretty beautiful, when all was said and done and all those unanswered questions, they don't matter so much any more. And besides, we all knew they weren't going to be answered to our satisfaction, which is why a lot of them were left dangling. Because a lot of Lost's appeal has been sussing out just what the heck is going on and now we can debate this stuff forever if we're some sort of weird shut-in or something.

Sure, it seems slapped together in retrospect. Because it was. Sure, the Final Boss Battle™ between Jack and Flocke was really uninspired and sort of hackneyed. But it's a TV finale. And the giant magic plug is a little silly, but when we're talking about a show whose main conceit is it's a magic, time-tripping island, well, you don't really get to pull the "Silly Card." Sorry, them's the rules.

In the end, we got a dramatically satisfying, happy-ish ending for all the people we've watched for the last six years. And that final scene with Jack stumbling wounded through the bamboo field, his side pierced like another Shepherd, laying down in the same spot he awoke in the pilot as he traced the path of the Ajira plane as it finally, *finally* escaped the Island? That was pretty dang perfect.


*******

And now, your questions: (did you think I forgot?)

Dave asks:

So, were they all dead when the plane first crashed? I don't know if I was just so wound up in it being the end that I didn't understand it well or what. If they were all dead from the start I don't understand the significance of the no-crash dual story line this season.

Also, what about when Jacob touched them all way earlier in life. How does that work?
Yeah, that was a bit of a problem. ABC has since clarified the reasoning for the Oceanic crash set playing through the finale credits. You can read their reasoning here. Kind of dumb, but there you have it.

As for the Jacob-touch, well, we now know that that happened earlier in their "afterlife," as the Flash-Sideways all took place in a kind of Spirit Prison/Purgatory mental construct.


Chanel asks:

1. How would you think the Hurley as "#1" thing plays out?
We'll find out when ABC releases the Complete Series boxed set later this year which contains a 12-minute vignette, according to Entertainment Weekly.

2. Did the plane make it from the island?
I think so, yeah.

3. Why were certain people like the pilot not there at the end? I mean I get the whole being ready to move on, but that guy seemed just totally left out for having such a big role in the end.
I'd imagine after all the trouble the Castaways caused him, the last thing Frank Lapidus wanted to do was hang out in the afterlife with them.

4. My take on the end, on my blog, if you get a chance to read, I am "getting it" right? I mean it is actually really deep stuff, which I am DYING to hear you GO INTO DETAIL on how you see it all.
Hopefully this is "in detail" enough. Cuz I don't think I can say anything else about this show. Oh, who am I kidding? I could keep going, but man, who's even reading this?

Until next time, kids.

Lost Talk

First off, SPOILER ALERT. If you're not caught up on Lost or are planning on watching it all after it's wrapped or whatever, please don't read any further. You have been warned.

So I asked you to ask my Lost questions. Because I am a nerd and a glutton for punishment. So let's try and figure all this out, shall we?

First off, Alli asks:

do you think libby is david's mother? since her old husband's name was david before she gave david's boat to desmond?
If I were a betting man, I'd wager that David's mom is Juliet. And that her and Sawyer are gonna be meeting for coffee sometime soon. They'll go Dutch.

does it matter?
Maybe?

will jack ever cut his hair?
I don't know. But has anybody else been sort of distracted by Jack's hair this season? Does it look weird to anybody else with that slight Superman spitcurl he's got going on? Has he always had that?

why is the island underwater?
Two possibilities.

1. If Jack's plan worked and the hydrogen bomb went off in 1977, that may have caused the Island to sink.

or, 2. It's because of something that we haven't seen yet and this guy's theory is totally right. (Hint: I think this guy's theory is totally right. I've been trying to say what he's said in that post all season – that the "flash-sideways" is the castaways' reward for … something*, and that it's their second chance to get things right post-purgatorial Island tour of duty – but we'll see. Every time I think I have this show pinned down, they pull the rug out from under me, roll me up in said rug and then throw me down a hill.)

I still think that Jack's season five explodo-plan was what caused "The Incident," referred to in those Dharma videos and that Daniel Faraday was being a good time-cop to the end when he talked Jack into nuking the Swan station.

Did that help?


Next up, Rose says:

you already answered some questions (thank you) but i have more!
walt is in NY, right? but where is he in this story? didn't the others say he was the chosen one? did that story already resolve itself and i just forgot it did?
Oh man, Walt. I think he's one of those things, like Libby or Ana Lucia, that were intended to be a whole lot more for the show but due to physical realities – ie. the actor who portrays Walt growing radically over the first two seasons, the actresses who play Ana Lucia and Libby getting busted for DUI – had to fall by the wayside.

The "in game," No Prize, response to this is that Ben kinda sorta gave the producers a way out when he let Michael and Walt go by saying that Walt was more powerful than they thought, so they were glad to be done with him. My feeling is that the "OMZ, Walt is soooo like powerful and stuff, dudes!" plotline is dead and that our little glimpse of him in season five was his send-off, his "happily ever after," as it were.

fake john locke (smoke monster, whoever you want to call him) was chasing that boy. that's jacob, right? why could sawyer see him?
My money would be that that was some sort of a manifestation of Jacob, though why he appeared to Flocke ("Fake Locke." Get it?) as a bloody little boy in weird Bible pageant robes instead of the way we've been seeing him is anyone's guess. I definitely got a Cain and Abel/Jacob and Esau vibe off of that whole thing, though.

As far as why Sawyer could see him and not, say Richard earlier in the episode, maybe it's because Sawyer (or "Ford," I guess) is a Candidate?

and ditto on the island being underwater. why?
See above.

And she had some more after this week's totally kick@$$ episode, "Sundown":

how are the smoke monster dude and jacob tied to the island?
I theorize a little further down. Look for the * under the questions.

why was jacob looking for candidates? is he just looking for one candidate?
See answer to above question.

who is coming to the island? who was jacob waiting for?
I think Jacob has who he's been waiting for. I think the Lighthouse trip was a ruse to get Jack thinking about why Jacob would be interested in him and his little crew.

why is everyone connected to the island?
Fate, as Charlie wrote on his knuckle wraps. The Oceanic passengers are "ka-tet," to borrow a phrase from one of the show's influential texts.

did ben make a deal with the smoke monster dude?
We're not entirely sure what happened to Ben after the fracas at the Temple, right? He was unaccounted for, if I remember correctly. Ben'll find some way to survive, though, don't worry about that.

what happened to richard alpert?
We shall see. My guess is that he was either a captain or a slave on the Black Rock, another group of people brought to the Island so that Jacob and Flocke can play their giant Backgammon game with them, each unwilling to concede to each others' point regarding the true nature of humanity.

will jin and sun be separated in the flash sideways story as well?
Jin and Sun as characters seem to be important only as they relate to each other spatially. Half of their stories have been them trying to get back together, either physically or emotionally. And since Jin was in Sideways-Keamy's fridge, I'd say that their story in this world is also going to be "How do they get back together?"

***

And that's that. Anybody else want to play? Comment away.

_______

* Maybe Smokey wins. Maybe he's the "good guy" here (or as close to a "good guy" as this show gets) and they sink the Island to protect it/destroy it. Maybe this is what Jacob wants, a la Jack's lighthouse tantrum. Maybe this sets both Smokey and Jacob free from whatever's chaining them to the Island. (Not unklike how their tenure on the Island will hopefully set the Oceanic passengers free from their personal demons, right?) Maybe neither of them is pure evil or purely good. (It wouldn't be the first time this show has set someone up as the ultimate evil only to find that they're just misunderstood, right Ben Linus?)

Maybe they're both cursed and trapped on the Island, in Purgatory, waiting to be freed. Maybe this group of castaways has just the right mix of people to set them free this time, to be the ones who finish the game whose end they've been progressing toward. Maybe I'm also full of crap. Only time will tell.

Crapshoot

I swore in a Target restroom today. I said the ess-word. You know the one. S-H-I … Yeah, that one. I said it pretty loud, too. I didn't yell it, but it was definitely audible. Now, I'm not a restroom cusser. I'm not even really a cusser. So why was I standing in a handicapped stall in a Target restroom, cussing it up?

Well, mainly because it fit. It was what I was staring at: on the toilet seat and toilet, on the floor and, sadly, on my aged and comfy Converse All Stars, may they rest in peace. Oh, and it was all over my daughter, too, poor thing.

We were picking up a couple of things after dropping sister and mom off at school and the craft show (Going on all weekend! Go get some Sparkle Power merchandise! And yeah, I'm plugging a craft show while relating a poop story. You knew what I was when you picked me up.), respectively. You know, gettin' my Dad on. We looked through the electronics (Claire is not very good at the Xbox), the Christmas stuff and, finally, the toys. Every. Single. Toy.

We were playing with that Disney Princess display, the one where you spin the thingy around and push the pink flashing button and it plays a snippet of a song from each princess' movie.

So Claire's spinning the thingy, pressing the button, dancing around and all of the sudden she stops, makes a worried face, looks at me and says, "I need to go potty." Now this is a problem. See, we're potty training, so that means we're in panties and I reeeally don't want an accident, so I pick her up and run. And if you're at all familiar with the Target we frequent, you know that we're almost at the point farthest from the restroom.

Now would be a good time to cuss. But I don't. I run.

We make it to the customer service counter and I still have a basket with some items and you can't take unpaid merchandise into the restrooms so I ditch the basket at the corner and keep running. My sunglasses are in there and Claire's jacket too, but at this point, I don't care if they're stolen. I just care about getting to the restroom before something bad happens.

At this point, I think we're okay. My arm's dry. That's a good sign, right? We make it inside and into the handicapped stall. I pull down the panties and go to set her down on the seat and that's when things, well, when things go to crap. Or, you know, the other word. The word I said.

I'm a dad, so after a brief survey of the damage I roll with it, trying to clean Claire up as well as I can with the tools at hand (toilet seat covers, wet toilet paper), trying to clean it off the seat (those elaborate toilet paper shields I build before I sit down don't feel so ridiculous anymore), the floor, my shoe (so long, Converse) and I cuss.

I cuss. And in the moment, it fits.

Keeping Afloat

There's plenty of dumb stuff to talk about.But let's not talk about that. Let's talk about cool stuff. You know, stuff that makes you want to tell other people about. This is the kind of stuff I want to talk about. So, here goes: Cool Stuff I Want To Share With You, My Friends On the Internet:

*****
B O O K S

I've been reading Haruki Murakami's Hardboiled Wonderland And the End of the World and man, this is the business right here. It's one of those books, like Cat's Cradle or The Crying of Lot 49 or VALIS or Pattern Recognition or Seaguy, where I feel like it was written just for me to read. Which I know is totally narcissistic, but still.

It's the story of a Calcutec - a human computer - who is processing some very sensitive information for a secretive, possibly insane scientist. And it's also about a guy who lived in a strange city (which may or may not be the physical representation of the Calcutec's mind) who reads the dreams from the skulls of unicorns. So yeah, this is right up my alley.

I also checked out Betrayal, the first of the Legacy of the Force book series. Yes, that's a Star Wars book. And yes, I know this is not a good thing, that this will only end in shame and disappointment. Don't judge me.

*****
M U S I C

Man, there's been some good music this year. I'm thinking about my "Best Of" mixes* for 2009 and there are a few albums I know will make the cut for sure. Monster Head Room by Ganglians, the Flaming Lips' Embryonic, Isnalds' Vapours and the album pictured at the left, the Dirty Projectors' Bitte Orca.

The first couple of listens gave me a mild sense of vertigo, but once this album hooked itself into my earholes, it hasn't let go. It's dizzying indie mutant blue-eyed R&B. Highly recommended.

*****
T V . O N . D V D

Been watching a lot of The Prisoner, which really doesn't need me to tell it it's awesome, but man, it's awesome. I seriously can't believe something this nutty and flat-out subversive ever made it on the air. It's really weird stuff and totally worth your time if you haven't seen it yet. Sure, there's gonna be the AMC remake, but I have a feeling it'll be too neat, too linear, not fever-dream enough to really capture the vibe of the original. I would be happy to be proven wrong, though.

We've also just watched the second (and final?) series of Flight of the Conchords. Dude, that show ... it's great. The "Prime Minister" episode with Art Garfunkel? Genius.

*****
C O M I C S

Just read the first volume of the Vertigo series Air. It's really good, intriguing stuff. The art's sort of rough in parts, but the story's solid and, hey, it's a Vertigo book; the art is *always* crappy in Vertigo books. Except for The Losers, but even that sort of fell apart once jock left. But anyway, Air. It's about a flight attendant who's afraid of heights. And, uh, teleportation, forgotten countries and secret societies. And Quetzalcoatl.

There's a fair comparison with Lost in that it's a big, weird thing wrapped in a somewhat standard package, so yeah, I'm on board. I was a little worried about it getting canceled before it really got enough story out of the way, but again, it's a Vertigo book. They published Lucifer for like, ever and it was never in the Top 20 or anything, so hopefully, it's safe for a while.

I'm also loving the heck out of Batman & Robin. But then again, I'm totally retarded for Grant Morrison so maybe I'm a bit biased, but it's dang good dayglo superhero comicbookery.

And now I ask all y'all comic nerds out there: what else is really good right now. And if any of you say Blackest Night, I will throat-punch you. You have been warned.

*****
T E L E V I S I O N

NBC's really got Thursday night locked down, right? Dang, that is one satisfying night of comedy. I mean, I'm sad as hell that Kath & Kim is gone (I think I was literally the only person in America who thought that show was good, but oh well), but from Community to Parks & Recreation to The Office and finally 30 Rock, it's a string of really great television.

And yeah, you can argue that The Office has jumped the shark and it hasn't been the same since Jim and Pam got together and blahblahblah, but let's be honest, The Office has always been just pretty good. I mean, I think a lot of people were just surprised that it worked, what with being based on the much funnier and impossible to replicate British version. So when like, the wedding episode sort of fell apart at the end or that episode after that one where Jim and Pam were on their honeymoon and it sort of just wandered around for a half hour, I don't get all worked up because it's not like it hasn't had a good run, you know? And even if it's not perfect, it's still way funnier than something like Three and A Half Men.

But yeah, I'm loving Community's (it's like Stripes: the College Years, isn't it?) and Parks & Rec's getting better every week and 30 Rock ... oh, 30 Rock, you had me at "chuckle hut."

And yeah, I like Glee. Why? Why does this show work? I don't know, but it does. And okay, let me just say this and hope one of the producer's is reading: The more Jane Lynch, the better the episode. That's just science. And you can't argue with science.

*****
M O V I E S

If you're looking for a good indie adventure/comedy, go and Redbox The Brothers Bloom. It's not perfect, but it's a fun little film, well-acted, well-written, well-directed. It's sort of like if Wes Anderson directed a con man movie written by the guy who wrote Harold & Maude, if that makes any sense. See it. I mean, it's Mark Ruffalo, Adrien Brody and Rachael Weisz. What more do you need to know?

*****

And that's what's getting me all lathered up these days, pop-culture-wise. How about you?


* How about those? Are they worth it? Should I do it the same way this year, with a Top Ten Favorites and an Honorable Mentions? Let me know.

I Like It When Hurley Says, "Dude."

So, lots of Lost stuff coming out of Comic-Con. Pretty mind-blowing stuff, actually. Suffice it to say that if you're not caught up on the show yet, there are definitely some ¡¡¡SPOILERS AHEAD!!!

You have been warned.


The first thing is the introduction of the Lost University ARG (Alternate Reality Game) at ABC.com which seems to be tied to the season five DVD release in September. Offering classes like "HIS 101: Ancient Writing On the Wall," "PHY 301 SEMINAR: New Physics With Jeremy Davies," (who plays trippy-dippy scientist Daniel Faraday on the show) and "SCI 201: Jungle Survival Basics." Needless to say I'll be enrolling on September 22, even though I have pretty much sucked at all these games.

ABC.com also has kicked off a series of webisodes from a fictitious 80's show called Mysteries of the Unknown similar to that one show that Leonard Nimoy used to host. You know the type, where they interview people who saw Bigfoot and show some blurry photos and end it all by saying, "Does such a creature as Bigfoot exist? Could he be the missing like between ape and man? Only time will tell. Tune in next week for tales of alien abduction!" I loved those kinds of shows. Anyway, so this clip of the fake show unlocks the mystery surrounding the Dharma Intititive. Watch it here and check back for more installments. I'm not expecting anything earth-shattering, but it might flesh out the Dharmites a little more.

Then there's the wealth of stuff that hit at Comic-Con. First up is the promo shot featuring 26 (!!!) characters, some of which are - or well, were - dead. Paul Scheer of the comedy troupe Human Giant has launched a Lost-centric blog called "Damon, Carlton and A Polar Bear," where he's posted the image and has the characters appearing on it. He has them listed as follows: Faraday, Boone, Miles, Michael, Ana Lucia, Charlotte, Shannon, Desmond, Eko, Kate, Jack, Sawyer, Locke (with his back to the camera), Ben, Sayid, Libby, Sun, Jin, Claire, Hurley, Juliet, Charlie, Frank, Richard, Bernard and Rose. So yeah, basically everybody ever except for Nikki and Paolo. Poor Nikki and Paolo. Also, no Walt. Why no Walt love, guys?

Next up is the Comic-Con panel. The Lostpedia blog has posted it here. It's really a fun panel, with taser-guns, polar bear paintings and some fun banter between Michael Emerson (Ben on the show) and Jorge Garcia (Hurley). Oh, and also, a special appearance by everybody's favorite Hobbit/dead rock star, Dominic Monaghan (Charlie). "You all, everybody!" indeed.

You can see Michael Emerson's genius Hurley audition here, because for some reason, it's cut out of the Lostpedia panel footage.

But that's not all that's missing from the Lostpedia footage. The most mind-blowing stuff is the most spoilery stuff which you can see here. Go watch them and then come back. I'll wait.

...

Did that just blow your mind? Are we dealing with an alternate timeline here or what? Hurley's had nothing but good luck since winning the lottery. Oceanic's been accident-free since 1979. Kate didn't kill her dad by blowing him up in his house, instead she mistakenly blew up some other dude at her dad's plumbing business. WTH?!

Matthew Fox did mention earlier this summer that the show would be dealing with "two timelines," for a portion of the last season, but I assumed he meant 1997/2007. But who knows now? Feel free to speculate here or over on Opening the Hatch.

Dance, Monkey, Dance

So, I'm really trying to not be all "So, I haven't posted in a week," and then explain why in tedious detail. You don't care about all that, right? You just want to be entertained. You just need something to pop up on your internets that will make your day a little brighter. You just want the monkey to dance. "Dance, monkey! DANCE!" you cry from the audience, your voices shrill and raspy, your breath tasting of aluminum and defeat.

And I dance. Oh, how I dance. I shred the spotlight like wet crepe paper, my dervish all a'whirl and my lucidity fading as I break on through like Jim Morrison or Grant Morrison or Toni Morrison or Morris the Cat from those 9 Lives commercials. I dance in a trance in my corduroy pants to music that makes no sense and in any case, it's not audible. Not to earth-people, at least. We have crossed the threshold between reality, fantasy and New Jersey. Where we're going we don't need roads. Only blog posts. Posts of sturdy bloggage with which we will build the log cabin of dreams in the territory of fantasy in the township of unreality, off the coast of make-believe where imaginary dolphins play.

So yeah, let's do this thing. Let's blog. Let us get our blog on like the star-crossed mamma-jammas we are and always will be, forever and ever. Let's get our blog on:

* We watched Fishing With John over the last couple of nights. It's brilliant. You can read about it here and you can catch most, if not all, of the episodes on the YouTubes. I highly recommend the Tom Waits and Willem Dafoe episodes. Also, I am now John Lurie's (the John of the title) Facebook friend. So basically, I'm more famous that you.

* My new goal in life is to find this book and feast up on it's secret knowledge. Judging just by the cover, I can safely say that that could be the raddest book ever written.

* I'm reading Volume 2 of the Jack Kirby Fourth World Omnibus collections, and I will continue to tout the genius of Jack Kirby. Seriously,there is some mind-bendingly radical stuff in those pages.

* The new Franz Ferdinand and M. Ward albums are pretty excellent.

* Did you download Dave's mix yet? No? Why not? You really should. Also, why didn't you make a mix last month? I, like David Bowie, am very disappointed in you.

* Make sure to watch out for chimpanzees. Seriously, this is terrifying.

* I've been listening to a lot of This American Life while I'm work-work-workin' and I must say, that is a fine radio program. Although I must confess that am now 82% whiter than I was before I started on my rigorous TAL regiment. So be careful.

* I'm also back on the All Songs Considered podcast and have been sampling the Sound Opinions podcast as well. Again, it will make you significantly whiter, but you're risk-takers. I can see it in your eyes.

* Let's see, what else? Oh yeah, I read some good books: John Hodgman's The Areas Of My Expertise and Malcolm Gladwell's Outliers. I also picked up a collection of H.P. Lovecraft's stories, but have been too scared to crack it's spine. It's hard to unwind while reading tales of cosmic horror, y'know?

* Lost is kicking some major butt, innit? I'm super stoked for tonight's episode, where Ben and Jack have to team up with Magnum, P.I. to help break Matlock out of prison after he was falsely accused of murdering one of the Golden Girls (the sexy one) by Jessica Fletcher and the Simon with a mustache from Simon & Simon. It's totally gonna rule.

Aaaand that's it for now. Leave yr love in the comments.

Interviewing With the Starz! - Patti Lunn

It's that time again, time for another thrilling installment of Interiewing With the Starz. Today's Interviewee is Patti. Patti and I have this weird, incestuous relationship. My dad and I Home Taught (it's a Mormon thing, e-mail me and Ill explain it) the Lunn family back in the day, her husband Dave was my Sunday School teacher and her daughter is my married to my brother-in-law, making Caitlin (Patti's daughter) my sister-in law. Patti blogs here and her blog will make you hungry. You have been warned. Take it away, Patti:


Name: Patti

Hometown: Boston, but I live in Vegas.

Occupation: I make sure lawyers don’t commit malpractice. (I manage the Master Calendar Department in a mid-size LV law firm.)

Favorite type of donut:
Chocolate frosted with a dot of sweet cream cheese and raspberry. (Thank you, Provo Bakery.)

Would you rather be mauled by a bear, stung to death by bees or eaten by a shark? Why?
Ugh ... I guess be eaten by a shark. It’d be quick.

If your life were a song, what song would it be?
"Big Yellow Taxi" by Joni Mitchell.

If you could only watch one film for the rest of your life, what would it be?
It’d have to be a Woody Allen. Annie Hall? More likely Hannah and Her Sisters.

If you had your way, where would you live out the rest of your days and how?
By the sea, very very leisurely. Sigh...

What would your like your tombstone read? (Don’t worry, I’m not going to kill you)
You can never be too rich or too thin.

The Three Stooges or the Marx Brothers?
Definitely the Marx Brothers.

What three TV shows can you not miss?
The Office, Top Chef, The Barefoot Contessa.

If you could erase one social problem with the flick of yr wrist, what would it be and why?
More than likely drugs ... it’s the root of so many other social problems: crime, education problems, poverty, family issues, etc.

Who was your earliest remembered crush?
Kevin Barry in the 1st Grade

What five things do you hope people know about you?
1. That I’m intelligent.
2. That I’m committed to the Gospel.
3. That I’m crazy about the person I married.
4. Maybe that I have good taste? (Shallow)
5. That I’m genuinely happy .

What three things are you terrified that people know or think about you?
I’m past being terrified of what someone thinks (comes with age), but if I had to come up with something it’d be close to this:
1. That I think nobody can do it better than I can. So not true.
2. That I’m “crazy.” (Just means you’re admitting you don't understand me)
3. That I’m aloof.

The Stones or the Who?
"Sugar Magnolia," all the way.

If you could have any super power (flight, x-ray vision, the ability to talk to undersea creatures, etc.), what would it be and why?
I’d want to be invisible, and I don’t want to tell you why.

What is the deal with airline food?
More than likely a study in carcinogens.

What is your greatest unrealized ambition?
No joke, my entire life I’ve wanted to be a nurse. (My daughter provides vicarious pleasure.)

Most embarassing moment ever. Go!
Delivery room. All I’m saying.

*******

And that's that. Stay tuned next week for a look at a person as white, if not whiter than myself: Ryan C. Adams, Esq. If you're still working on your questionnaire, get it in. And if you've already submitted yours but forgot to attach a picture, get all up on that and send me one. I won't run your interview without one. Because I am hardcore.

I Could Easily Beat Up Larry King But I Refuse To Hit A Man That Old Who Isn't Named "Dracula"

I recently issued an invitation to all of you out there (including you lurkers; hello there! Nice shirt!) in cyberspace to join me as I interview you, all professional-like and whatnot. And I got a lot of great responses. Seriously, I'm pumped to interview every single name on this list. I'm like flipping out over here. I literally just threw my chair across the room, through a window and down three stories to the street below where it hit some old lady who is now crying out for help, that's how excited I am. I am freaking stoked.

I should probably have skipped that fourth Red Bull after lunch.

Anyway, so far I have the following as future interviewees:
Patti (Are you in or what? Come on, it'll be rad.)
Sarah
Candace
Allen
Dave
Rose
The Chris Haley
Ryan
Chanel
Shon (no, seriously, that's how his name is spelled)
B3n
Nan

Am I forgetting anybody? Anybody else want it? Come on, it will rule. It will be like you're a celebrity only you won't want to punch yourself (which I just accidentally typed as "punch your elf," which is hilarious) when you open your mouth. You'll be like Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, that femme-y kid from High School Musical, TomCat (which is my shortened version of superstar couple Tom Arnold and his cat named, uh, Cat), Bennifer (you know, the Belgian disco queen and children's television show host who is also an astronaut in Belgium's space program) and Jermaine Jackson all rolled into one mammoth Frankencelebrity. You will be some sort of mega-Voltron-celebrity.

This could be you!:



Doesn't that look like fun? See that creepy old guy in the background? He's the Internet! See what a great time he's having because you agreed to be interviewed by yours truly? He looks positively electrified to be listening to our witty rapport. It's entertainment! Showbizzz! Don't worry though, you can wear a shirt when I interview you.

But I will be wearing a dress. You have been warned.

We Are Bringing Sexy Even More Back

So, this last summer, Candace asked me to come up with some posters for her Etsy shop, Sparkle Power! So I came up with four designs and five color variations for each design. They're 11" by 17" and digitally printed on archival presentation paper. They're fun. Here's one of each:



Cute, right? You can see the whole set here, if you're interested.

Anyway, so the shop has been getting some buzz in the "modern crafters" subsection of the Internet, which is cool. But today, we broke through to a whole other level of Internet fame: we are now sexy famous. The "La La Love You" and "You & I Are BFF" posters were both featured on Glamour magazine's Smitten: Sex, Love & Life blog alongside love tips and whatnot. So, if you click the link, just know it's gonna get a little PG-13. You have been warned.

Weird, right?

The City's Ripped

So here's a bonus mix for you. It's titled Ripp Offf and it will most likely cause severe eardrum damage if listened to at extreme volumes. Which is highly recommended.



Includes songs from Iggy Pop, the Cramps, White Denim, Swell Maps and T. Rex. It is muchomachorock&roll and will give your chest hairs chest hairs, be you male or female. Fists will be pumped whilst listening to this. You have been warned.

Download it here and leave a comment when you do so. Peace.

Blogcation = Over

I'm back. I'm rested. I'm ready. And now it's on like you-know-who. Tell yr friends. We're gonna party like it's 1699. Old school, baby.

Mixin' It Up

Chris Haley and I ping-ponged back and forth to make a glorious little mix. It's called Ping Of Pong which is a ridiculous title, but it works. It was way fun and the results are pretty superb.

See for yourself.*

In other news, I've been wrestling with August's mix, Like A Knife Through the Night. It looks like it might be a little mellow, sort of tired and droney. My idea of "late-night driving music" is a little beleaguered, lights streaking through darkness, roads stretching out infinitely, the moon hanging over you like some watchful, all-seeing eye as it makes ghost outlines of the landscape. Everybody else is sleeping soundly and you're alone with your thoughts and the music and they're both solitary and deep and sort of spooky.

Is this going to bum everybody out? Let me know.

*******

* PS: There is a little cussin' in this mix. Just so you know.

Honey From A Haunted Hive

We watched Bee Movie with the girls tonight and ... so, bees are basically Jewish? Is that the point of that movie? How far were we supposed to take the metaphor? Because they go to great lengths to equate Bee-ishness to Jewishness and then you start thinking about it and it starts to get weird and then you're very confused. Just don't start thinking about it; you'll end up with a nosebleed. And a stomachache. And a hangnail. You have been warned.

Alls I know is that Patrick Warburton was in that movie, and where Brock Samson goes, I go. Also, the humans in that movie were weird looking, weren't they?

My Brain Is Bigger Now Than It Was Then

The following is a list of things I learned this weekend, in no particular order:

1. Death Cab For Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard is a lot skinnier than I thought he was. And poor Chris Walla, dude is the ever-lovin' backbone of that group but nobody knows who he is. And BTW, the Death Cab set freaking rocked! I was seriously expecting a much more mellow affair, but they pretty much tore the roof off the Plain Dealer Pavilion. Candace has a pretty awesome picture here. It was a great night.

2. There are two white tent performing arts amphitheaters in the Flats. One is the Time Warner Amphitheater and it's on the east side of the Cuyahoga River, near Tower City. The other is the Plain Dealer Pavilion and it's on the west side of the river in the Flats proper. If you mix them up, you're screwed and will miss the opening act of the concert (sorry, Rogue Wave) you are attending and you will be more than a little irritated because you thought you knew where you were going but in fact, you did not. Because you are stupid and didn't Google Map it first.

Duh.

3. Barbecue pork sandwiches are delicious.

4. I love being a dad. I love my wife and I love my girls. They're the bestest ever.

5. There's a band that sounds so much like late 60's-early 70's Beach Boys that it is freaking spooky. Their debut album is this week's AOK!: The Explorers Club's Freedom Wind.

I'd love to label them all a bunch of unoriginal hacks, but they're too dang good and obviously reverential to the ghost of Brian Wilson to be dismissed. If you love the Beach Boys like I do (And you really should. Seriously, go find a copy of Wild Honey, Pet Sounds or Smile and prepare for a solid mind-blowing), go check them out. It's eerie. It's like seeing someone who looks like someone you know but you know it's not that person and you keep trying to tell yourself "Well, it can't be that person because the eyes are the wrong color but dang! They look exactly like that other person I know! This is so eerie!"

It's like that.

6. This whole blog phenomenon is really taking off. Seriously, folks, it's going to be HUGE! I predict that in five years, everyone in the whole world will have a blog. Everyone. And not just those Early Adopters John, Ben and Brandt. Ehv. Ree. Wun. Get on this fad now before it's not cool anymore.

7. Also going to be huge: Hypercolor shirts. You heard it here first.

8. And speaking of Early Adopters, I learned how to use the torrents this weekend. I am now the Torrent Master™. The Internets has no idea what is about to hit it.

9. That new Mike Myers movie looks really terrible, doesn't it? Like "I think that trailer gave me eye herpes," terrible.

10. Who watches the Tony awards? Seriously? Anybody wanna cop to it? I promise I won't make too much fun of you. I watched roughly 2.5 seconds of it as I was flipping through and it gave me gas. Me + Musicals = Not A Good Scene.

11. So, how awesome is Burn After Reading looking? Brad Pitt, John Malkovich, George Clooney, that creepy albino lady Tilda Swinton, Frances McDormand (of course), plus the always reliable J.K. Simmons and ... (wait for it) ... the dude who played Sledge Hammer!, quite possibly my favorite show on television, ever. There's a "red band" trailer (with some swearing - you have been warned!) here. Oh man, I so love the Coen brothers.

12. TV sure does suck this summer, doesn't it? Is there anything worth watching that isn't a repeat? And if you say American Gladiators I swear I will punch you in the throat as hard as humanly possible. That's right, I will punch you THROUGH THE INTERNET! It's my mutant power and it's more useful than you'd think.

13. Looks like I won't be bothering with M. Night Shammalammading-dong's The Happening. Poor guy. He's like the cool guy in high school who peaked way too early and you see him like ten years later at the grocery store or something and he's all bald and unkempt and smelly and just generally depressing but totally unaware that he's not cool anymore. Poor guy. I feel for him, really I do.

14. Cleveland had a pretty happening proto-punk scene in the 70's. I actually knew this but had forgotten until I was reading about teh US proto-punk scene in Clinton Heylin's (so far) excellent Babylon's Burning: From Punk To Grunge. I'd recommend his From the Velvets To the Voidoids: The Birth of American Punk Rock and Bootleg: The Secret History of the Other Recording Industry to any aspiring rock and roll history student. Seriously, if I could read about rock and roll for the rest of my life, I'd be happy. Is that weird?

15. Nobody loves Haiku Friday. This makes me sad. Please won't you love it? Please?

16. I love my dad. A lot. He probably can't beat up your dad, but he'd give it his best shot. Because that's how he rolls.

What did you learn this weekend? Please share with the class.

Indiana Jones And the Forever Long Rant About How Kingdom Of the Crystal Skull Made Me Feel

First off, this is a SPOILER-laden review of Indiana Jones & the Kingdom Of the Crystal Skull. There are SPOILERS. SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS. If you haven't seen it but plan on seeing it, you should probably go now because I'm going to be dishing out some SPOILERS and if you haven't seen it, you will be SPOILED by my SPOILERS. Did I make my point re: there being SPOILERS in this post? Because there are. SPOILERS, that is. This post is thick with them. I don't have time for your precious fanboy feelings. I'm going to review this movie and I'm not going to worry if I let a SPOILER or twenty slip. Got it, boyo?

Also, it's hecka long.

You have been warned.

Okay, with that out of the way, a little context. I've already admitted to my blind obeisance to the Indy franchise. Like the Star Wars franchise (whose luster has diminished in the wake of the Lucas-helmed prequels ... but we'll touch on that later), it's one of the building blocks of who I am as a person. Those movies, more than any others I saw at the time (and the 80's, while being a rough period for fashion and popular music, was a great time for "kids" movies, mainly due to the popularity of those franchises, come to think of it), captured my imagination and made me the creative person I am today. A little hyperbolic, but true nonetheless. It's all George Lucas and Steven Spielberg's fault.

That said, I didn't go into this movie blind. I'd skimmed the lukewarm reviews, had minimal conversations with co-workers and family who had seen it. All signs pointed to it being a little disappointing, but not Phantom Menace/midichlorians disappointing. So I braced myself for the worst. I mean, it's pretty obvious that whatever spring Mr. Lucas was dipping from that gave us the could city of Bespin, the Temple Of Doom and the Jedi Knights has long since dried up. I'm not expecting much from him, as sad as that is. And even with the lowered expectations of dealing with crazy old Uncle George who I thought was so cool and hip and funny when I was a kid but is now just sort of goofy and simple, I sat staring at the credits going "What?"

I really wish I could say it was the CGI prairie dog reaction shot(s) or the unconvincing special effects that sucked every ounce of danger or peril out of some pretty elaborate set pieces or the or the "skull of an extra-dimensional being" MacGuffin or the freaking CGI The LaBeouf swinging like freaking Tarzan with freaking CGI monkeys. I mean, yeah, those things are stupid (well, I dunno, I think the skulls sort of worked as the de rigueur mystical MacGuffin , especially considering that this installment is set in the McCarthy/Atomic/Cold War era), but to be honest, I was expecting that stuff. I sat through the Prequels. And still sort of like large portions of them. Slightly stupid stuff that you immediately block from your memory/edit from your recollection of the film is par for the course when you're dealing with Old Uncle George these days.

No, I took heart in the fact that, no matter how crazy Old Uncle George might get, at least he has Steven Spielberg there to keep him on task. I mean, he's Steven Spielberg. You know, Steven Spielberg? Greatest living director and all that? Schindler's List and Saving Private Ryan and E.T. and Jaws and Close Encounters and like a million other modern masterpieces? He'll make sure that the not-crazy parts work, right? I mean, he's made some of the best movies of the 20th century, right? He'll keep the keel even here, right?

Wrong. Well, not entirely. There are interviews online where Old Uncle George mentions that he wanted Indy 4 to be a lot more ridiculous, so Spielberg did his job. But what no one counted on was someone having to restrain Old Uncle Steve.

In fact, if Lucas' lack of restraint is in flagrante delicto in Crystal Skull (and it is, but nowhere near the CGI/ADHD eye-assault of the Prequels), Spielberg's penchant for schmaltz is turned to 11. If you thought AI was muddled and syrupy and The Terminal was overly sentimental, well, this is like both of those movies. Put together. In the middle of act two, we're treated to an appearance from Marion Ravenwood from Raiders who just sort of shows up (when everybody's standing around in the Russians base camp trading exposition FOR. EV. ER., but more on that later) and all of the sudden, they're all gooey-eyed over each other. It's all very abrupt and syrupy (that line about how the one problem with the other women was that "They weren't you," is delivered so tiredly that I stifled an eye roll for fear of missing something awesome. I should have just rolled my eyes.) and not at all convincing.

Which brings me to the what I call the Mutt Paradox. The filmmakers invest a lot of time in "Mutt" Williams (Shaia LeBeouf in Brando's The Wild One drag). He's sort of a Mary Sue character, (he likes knives/swords instead of whips! He's a greaser! He's just like Indiana Jones only younger! And with a motorcycles! He's EXTREME!) and in fact I thought the positioning of him as the successor to the fedora (if not literally, then figuratively) was going to be a lot more overt, when in fact Mutt spends the first act and a half of the film as the "screaming girl"/Watson part normally relegated to Karen Allen's Marion or Kate Caphshaw's Shrilly McScreamerton or whatever her name was or the hot Nazi girl from The Last Crusade and then abruptly fades into the background once Marion steps out of nowhere in act 2, only to reappear for the aforementioned lamentable CGI monkey vine swing scene and then to get nailed repeatedly in the balls by CGI shrubbery.

No joke, people.

I have a feeling that the story initially went like this: Marion seeks out Jones because some thugs have kidnapped her son and Oxley (although I'll argue the importance of Oxley here in a second). This gives their romance a little more time to acclimate and grow instead of rushing in sometime before the second act closes and demanding we acknowledge it. Ah, but here's the problem, while the "Marion comes to Indy" story works a lot better, you are short-changing Spielberg's new man-crush, theLeBeouf and sacrificing the tween dollar. I mean, what right-minded teenager is going to plop $10 to see some old people engage in some Bogey-Bacall banter before going off to explore some South American graveyard? It's like On Golden Pond with car chases.

So you're left with two options: play down Mutt and risk not getting the audience to like him if you decide to build an X-Files in the 50's franchise around him (which might actually be cool if it's handled right), or have some old people look longingly into each others' eyes while punching crazy skull people. Which leaves us with a weird compromise: Mutt is introduced, sort of developed (through talking, a technique that mars this picture more than anything else) and promptly disposed of once Marion shows up halfway and plays out her story in fast-forward. Why? I have a feeling Old Uncle Steve wanted to shoot that soft-lensed wedding scene because he's a sentimental old codger. There, I said it. AND he wanted to set up the possibility of a Mutt franchise. So we're left with neither story or character given a fair shake and both end up feeling rushed and/or not fleshed out. Sucks, huh? What's that saying about having cake and eating it, too?

So if you can't tell, I didn't mind The LeBeouf. He's not a terrible actor, he does what he needs to without flourish. He's like a Ron Howard film, very workmanlike. Not at all charismatic or flashy or groundbreaking. His performance isn't going to cure cancer, but it moves the story along and doesn't screw anything up. He's like a plumber, not an actor: reliable, efficient and competent. Maybe he'll get awesome and I'll be eating my words. Who knows?

Oh well, we have Cate Blanchett to look forward to as the villain, right? Hmmm, not so much. I think Crystal Skull sort of killed the Cate Blanchett crush I was nurturing (No, it didn't). Thanks a lot, Uncles Steve and George. Her character, a Soviet psychic hunting for mystical artifacts for Mother Russia (and this isn't all that far-fetched, the Soviets are known to have experimented with psychics during the Cold War), begs to chew scenery, and, whether this is one of those moments where Spielberg toned down Lucas' bonkers or if it's just that Blanchett phoned this in for that sweet, sweet Burger King money (doubtful that, this woman is an acting machine), her character never seems to make sense or do anything but spout exposition and follow Indy around. She's total boiler plate villain, nothing special, nothing particularly menacing, even.

A hero is only as good as their villain and there's nothing to hate here, nothing to understand, even. I mean, it's Cate Blanchett playing Natasha from Rocky & Bullwinkle with psychic powers, give her something to work with. It's! Cate!! Blanchett!!! I'm red in the face from screaming it here, people. It's a total wasted opportunity. I mean, Belloq in Raiders, "Om Sheba" guy from Temple Of Doom, the British guy in the white suit in Last Crusade, all classy (Well, except for "Om Sheba" guy, though that headdress was pretty stylin'), slightly crazy and duplicitous. Here you have a world-class actor and you give her ... nothing. It's like having LeBron ref your kid's basketball game. I mean, if you're going to introduce psychics and aliens into the mythos, go whole hog. Am I right? Am I crazy? I don't think anybody would have minded if she were a total psychopath who blew people's brains up with her mind. And by "anybody" I mean "me." And I'm all that counts.

And speaking of wasted characters, WTH?!? was up with Mac and Ox (which, if you factor in Mutt, the prairie dogs, the monkeys and the killer ants and there's a serious animal fetish going on here)? I mean, okay, you need Mac for the opening scene, sure. But he's totally unnecessary everywhere else. And Ox is important as a vehicle to get to the city, but he's totally just thrown in there and seems to serve no purpose beyond mumbling poetry and looking stinky. It just felt cluttered, character-wise, especially by the end when you don't know or care whose side Mac is on and you're wondering why Indy's so desperate to save this guy who's shown what a self-centered douche he is at every turn. I don't care if the dude was Beowulf, let him die, Indy.

(An interesting caveat: I recently watched the bloody Australian western The Proposition which starred both Winstone and Jon Hurt where Hurt plays pretty much the same character, a poetry-spouting madman who's been out in the bush too long. Coincidence? Probably, yes. And while we're at it, this was the third film in the last two weeks that I saw that starred Cate Blanchett: her skittish Dylan imitation in I'm Not There, dual roles in Jim Jarmusch's excellent Coffee & Cigarettes and then, well, this.)

So yeah, there's some problems, but to be honest, these are the least of the worries. As I've outlined, these can be remedied or are symptoms of a larger problem. No, the biggest problem is that this movie is DUMB. It treats obvious plot points like revelations (The skulls are from aliens! Mutt is Indy's kid!) and expositions itself to death. At its heart, the Indiana Jones franchise is pulp done smart. It's sort of goofy and fun, but in the end, it's smart. Even the least successful film of the first three, Temple Of Doom, manages to delve into psychological horror (and actual horror, too. Hearts ripped from chests still beating which burst into flames? FREAKY! Also: AWESOME!) between all of the Scooby-Doo room running and Kate Capshaw screaming bloody murder. Indy is an exercise in taking genre conventions and tweaking them to work in the here and now. It's pulp done right. And one of the "rules of good pulp", according to Mr. Cunningham over at Pulp 2.0 is that "characters ... learn things that will come in handy later while in the midst of danger and daring-do" and not by talking about them. The first three movies gave you barely enough time to remember where you were, Crystal Skull's second act is composed mainly of people sitting around talking about stuff you already figured out.

"Dude, these skulls are from aliens!"
"No way!"
"Yes way!"
"You mean that corpse you took from Area 51 at the beginning of the film, the one where afterward I was questioned by FBI guys about what I saw in New Mexico, that was an alien corpse?!"
"Yeah!"
"And this thing that looks like an alien skull is not crystal as I had earlier surmised, but is, in very fact, an actual ALIEN SKULL!"
"Yes. And it has powers and stuff."
"Dude! I never would have believed that!"
"Yeah, I know! And now I'm going to make you STARE at it! For like a whole minute!"
"Noooooo!"

Yeesh. And they don't even have the guts to call them aliens. They're "extra-dimensional beings" which is like calling comic books graphic novels so people don't make fun of you. If there's one thing I've learned in this life, it's that sometimes you have to commit to the ridiculous, right comic book about a billionaire who dresses up in bat-themed pajamas to beat up on circus people and the deformed?

"Right, Dylan. To the Batcave!"

I really wish I could say that I loved this film. I really do. But maybe I'm just too old to have fun in a movie? There's a contingency of Lucas apologists who say things like "Well, it's just as ridiculous as the other Indy movies," and maybe that's right, but I "bought" that ridiculous and whether it was the fact that I was three/six/twelve years old, those movies were hecka fun. And for whatever reason, most likely a potent cocktail of the things I've laid out in this way-too-long autopsy of my childhood, I had no fun at all. In fact, I was bored and sad for a large chunk of this movie. I didn't "buy" it. Like, at all. And as much as I'd love to believe it was my fault, I think the filmmakers, whose job it is to warp my reality and make me buy into the fiction they're selling once those house lights go off, hold at very least some of the blame.

[ sigh ]

Who knows, maybe I'll catch it on TV five years from now and it'll be a hoot. I mean, I caught The Phantom (not The Phantom Menace. The Phantom. With Billy Zane as the 1930's pulp hero. The purple guy? "Smash evil!" That one.) on the SciFi Channel one Saturday afternoon and had a blast. Maybe I'll watch it with my daughter in a few years and she'll get a thrill from the killer ant scene similar to the thrill I got when I watched Indy get pummeled by a gigantic Nazi who was outdone by Indy's brains.

Well, Indy's brains and an airplane propeller.

Till next time, kids.

All These Mysteries Are Just More Needles In the Camel's Eye

Well, it's June. Time for the monthly mix to drop. Here you go.

Here's the tracklist:

01. Brian Eno - "Needles In The Camel's Eye"
02. Guided By Voices - "My Impression Now"
03. Talking Heads - "Paper"
04. Mercury Rev - "Coney Island Cyclone"
05. Grandaddy - "El Caminos In The West"
06. Pavement - "AT&T"
07. Sloan - "I Hate My Generation"
08. The Beta Band - "Al Sharp"
09. Clap Your Hands Say Yeah - "Is This Love?"
10. Built Like Alaska - "Does Your Mother Feel Sick"
11. The Promise Ring - "A Broken Tenor"
12. Hot Chip - "Bendable Poseable"
13. Devo - "Red Eye"
14. Art Brut - "My Little Brother"
15. The Modern Lovers - "Modern World"
16. Enon - "Power Of Yawning"
17. Ratatat - "Kennedy"
18. Dungen - "Tyst Minut"
19. Sonic Youth - "White Cross"
20. Sebadoh - "Drama Mine"

This is very much the work of a grown-up version of 18-year-old Dylan. Very eclectic stuff. You have been warned.

Let me know how you like it, what works, what doesn't, what's new to you, etc. Thanks.

I Can Do Anything That's Everything All On My Own

Okay, so Candace and the girls are in an airplane right now on the way to Las Vegas. I'll join them in a week. This is really weird. I'm not at all used to being alone.

Now I've been alone before. I moved myself out here for three weeks before I went back to Idaho while Candace had Claire and we packed up and moved out to the Cleve.

It was weird. Not necessarily bad, just weird. When I think back, I don't remember doing anything but going to work and talking to Candace on the phone. I know I did other stuff, like look for an apartment and do laundry, bu I'll be danged if I remember any of it. My life was in stasis.

This trip I'm going to try and be more productive. I made a list and everything. In fact, I made two lists, one is a "creative list" of things I need to work on and another more boring, basic, "to do" list. Now you can marvel at the sadness of my life from the comfort of your own home! Hooray technology! Here's my "to do" list. If you're easily excited, you may want to skip this one, as it's a pulse-pounding awesome-fest:

And here's the "creative list". The "Top Secret" stuff should be up here over the weekend. I'm already giggling thinking about it:

So there you go. That's my week. Do you think I can do all of that?

PS: Lost finale is on tonight. Are you ready for it? I'd love for the "Ask the Lost Guy" section tomorrow to be filled with reactions, crazy theories, questions (rhetorical and, uh, un-rhetorical), angry rants, etc. I know you have it in you, lovely Internets. Let's hear 'em! Let your Freak Flag fly!

PPS: I bought a bunch of comics today. I'll be posting a review/reviews of my haul, so expect that.

PPPS: I just wanted to point out that I am in love with Scott C.'s Double Fine Action Comics and would be remiss in my duties as Wanna-be Internets Impressario if I didn't point it out to you. His art blog's no slouch, either.

PPPPS: Haiku Friday is still on like unto Donkey Kong. Get out your calligraphy brushes and ink and get to writing! For serious!

PPPPPS: Hi there. I just wanted to type "PPPPPS". Which I now have. Twice.

This Could Get Ugly

This weekend I read my first 33 1/3 series book, Douglas Wolk's look at James Brown's Live at the Apollo.

I can see this easily becoming a problem.

In case you don't know what the 33 1/3 series is, it' sort of like the Criterion Collection only for music. The publisher seeks out writers and musicians to write something, anything on what they consider a seminal album. I just started Colin Meloy's Let It Be (the Replacements Let It Be, not either of the Beatles' Let It Be), a sweet memoir of growing up in Helena, Montana.

So let's do some math: music/writing about music + well-designed pocket-sized books + my partial completist OCD = can you see why this is problematic for someone like me? I mean, they couldn't have concocted a better plan to take my money. According to Wikipedia there's only 56 books in the series (so far!) and my Amazon wish list contains, oh, 45 of them. I have no clue who Throbbing Gristle is, but I sure do want to read the book on their 20 Jazz Funk Greats album. I've already put three more on hold at the library (one on Guided By Voices masterpiece Bee Thousand, another on Neutral Milk hotel's In the Aeroplane Over the Sea as well as Joe Pernice's novella inspired by the Smiths' Meat Is Murder). The Amazon trolling started this morning with the idea that I should just buy the first one (Dusty In Memphis) and take it from there. You should probably start coordinating the intervention now.

Dang! This is why I have never bought any old Doc Savage paperbacks (even though I really want to, like badly), because I know I'll want all of them. Like Pokemon. Oh man. I'm in trouble.

Anyway, if you're interested, the 33 1/3 series is pretty great, though totally addictive. You have been warned.

BRR Goes to the Movies - Indiana Jones & the Kingdom Of the Crystal Skull

Early word is that this is going to disappoint.* Who cares? It's Indi-freaking-ana Jones, people!

I N D I A N A J O N E S !

Now, I've already explained my blind spot for Star Wars. Yes, I know the prequels were bad. Sure. Whatever. Still, there are some thing in each of those movies that I lovelovelove. Yes, I said "love." Three times. Deal with it! This blind spot? Goes double, maybe triple, for Indy. You have been warned.

Okay, so this has the LeBouf in it. That sets off some alarms. BUT, it also has Karen Allen, Marion from Raiders Of the Lost Ark, which is sort of cool. It also stars Cate Blanchett. (And I love Cate Blanchett. I must tell you this.) As a Soviet treasure hunter. Who is looking for crystal skulls. That may have something to do with aliens. From outer space. Those aliens.

Also, did I mention it has Harrison Ford as Indiana Jones in it?

I think that sort of makes up for the LeBouf and then some, don't you?

Anyway, so Indy 4 may suck. Big time. But come May 22nd, I will be there. In the Theater, popcorn in hand and a big stupid grim splayed across my face. And I will most likely love it.

You?

* Though let's be honest: this is a sequel to a series whose last installment was delivered to theaters almost 20 years ago and whose cultural impact is really immeasurably huge. Does that sound like a film that could make everybody happy?

F is for "Free Comics!"

So this Saturday, May 3, is Free Comic Book Day at your local comic book shop. Yay! If you don't know what FCBD is, it's a day where one can brave the Nerdhive and get comics for free. For free!

Now some of you may have never been in a comic store or haven't been in one in a while. This is understandable. I like comics and most of those places creep me out. So I, being the awesomely nice person I am and sort of a comics evangelist, have put together a handy guide to assist you in your free comic book spree. I know, I know, but you're worth it.

Let's look at some of what's offered (you can view that whole list at the aforementioned link), shall we?

Hellboy/B.P.R.D. - Um yeah, get this. Hellboy is great comicbookery and the B.P.R.D. series is pretty excellent as well. Different beasts entirely as B.P.R.D. reads sort of like a paranormal G.I. Joe (that phrase should have got your nerd blood pumping) and Hellboy is a more thoughtful affair (well, as thoughtful as a book about a demon from hell punching giant Nazi gorillas can be), but man, it's some great stuff. Also, I [heart] Duncan Fegredo.

All Star Superman #1 - Um yeah, get this, too. Probably the best superhero comic book published in the last 10 or so years. Excellent stuff. And the best art is, it's totally, completely accessible to new readers, rather than the nigh impenetrable stuff DC normally spews out. Get it. In fact, get two and give one to some kid or something.

Project Superpowers - I heard Alex Ross was trying a new technique here where he paints the superheroes and makes them look like real people! I know, cool, right? It's like Superman looks like my neighbor! Awesome! I kid, I kid. Ross does what he does very well. Unfortunately, what he does, I'm tired of seeing. I'll pass.

Broken Trinity Preview - I have never read a Top Cow book ( I was born with the defect called "the ability to steer clear of this sort of embarrassing crap") and I'm not going to start now. Sorry! Not even if it's free! Whee!

X-Men - Marvel, being the marketing geniuses have decided to capitalize on the fact that FCBD falls on the opening weekend for what is poised to be a huge box office success, the Iron Man movie by offering ... an X-Men comic. In all fairness, it's silly to try and get people to read the Iron Man monthly because, well, it's most likely horrible stuff, especially since he's the World's Greatest D**chebag since last year's Civil War blockbuster crossover. So, yeah, go with the X-Men.

That said, I'd probably stay away from this as the X-Men universe is totally screwed up and totally not worth your time to decipher, except Mike Carey's writing and he's competent, bordering on good (I really loved what he was doing on Ultimate Fantastic Four before I dropped that title due to low fundage). On the other hand, Greg Land is the artist. Greg Land sucks. Big time. So, yeah. Maybe?

Worlds Of Aspen #3 - Avoid this like the Plague. The art of Michael Turner and his evil clones It will give you cancer in your nether-regions. You have been warned.

Tiny Titans #1 - I'll probably pick this up for Sadie.

Gegika: A Drawn+Quarterly Manga Sampler - Okay, I'll bite. Sure. I mean, it's free, right?

I.G.N.A.T.Z. #1 - I'll pick this up for sure.

Disney's Gyro Gearloose - Carl Banks' Uncle Scrooge stuff is always a good bet, especially for younger readers.

E.C. Comics Sampler - Yeah, this is coming home with me.

Marvel Adventures: Iron Man - Definitely a smart move, as (from what I understand), the Marvel Adventures line is pretty solid. And it's an Iron Man tie-in. With a Hulk story, to boot. And it's written by Jeff "the Interman" Parker.

Wait, did Marvel do something not catastrophically stupid? Should I be worried?

Anyway, I'll pick this up.

Atomic Robo & Friends - I've heard a lot of good things about this Lucasfilm-backed title (the publishing company is called Red 5, fer cryeye!). I'll check it out.

Amelia Rules! - For Sadie.

The Moth: Greatest Hits - The Moth appeared in a couple of Madman issues back in the day (you know, the one where the guys who looked like Conan O'Brien, Andy Richter and Max Weinberg kidnapped Frank), so I am contractually obligated to be interested in this one.

NASCAR Heroes: All-Star Special - Oh geez. No.

Owly & Friends - This is a good sampler for kids, even if Owly is so cutesy it is physically painful. I'm really excited about the Kolchaka strip in here.

Gumby's Coloring Comic Book Special #1 - I really need to be picking this up when it comes out. Seriously, read this solicitation:

Gumby snaps back! Courtesy of writers Mike Hersh (Rabid Animal Komix) and Bob Burden (Flaming Carrot), along with art from series favorite Rick Geary (Victorian Murder Mysteries) and fellow comic greats Phil Ortiz (The Simpsons), Ken Hooper (Aquaman), and Mel Smith (Dead Ahead) in this spectacular coloring comic edition! Infected by a computer worm our favorite bendable hero seeks help from the Mad Doctor. A mini-Gumby is created and embarks on a hilarious adventure inside his own body searching for the terrible worm. Will Gumby find the worm? What does the inside of a clay boy look like? Find out and join in the fun as you get to be the colorist in the wackiest Gumby tale yet!

Um, yeah, I'm there.

And there it is, FCBD 2008. I'm a little sad that there's no AdHouse offering this year, as I've always been blown away by their output, but there's enough in here to make braving whatever weird stuff may be going on at my local comic shop, so, yeah.

The End.