Beefy!

Lately I've been feeling like I really want a nice, fat, juicy steak. Like, as in, I would probably rob an old lady if she were carrying a delicious steak dinner down the street. Does this mean I am iron deficient? Or is that if I have an overwhelming need to eat paint chips or dirt or cigarette butts? In any case, I want me some beef. GIVE IT TO ME!

In other news, what the heck constitutes a "celebrity," or "star" anymore? I keep seeing these commercials for, I dunno, Celebrity Basket Weaving and there's like Patti LaBelle (Can anyone name me one Patti LaBelle song that I have heard? Without Googling it? Didn't think so.) and Soy Bomb and the announcer from Supermaket Sweep and some brain dead-looking boxer and a half dozen other people I have never ever heard of.

And it's not like I'm not pop culture savvy. Come on, I may not have a lot, but let me have that.

Look at the lineup for Celebrity Apprentice. "Softball player Jennie Finch"? First off, "Who!?" and secondly, there's professional softball? Really? I thought that was just something that you played in middle school because your school was too underfunded to afford helmets? What other fake professional sports are there? Professional T-Ball? Professional badminton? Professional shuffleboard? Come on people, if everything's a sport, then nothing is a sport.

Look at that list. A good portion of these people are famous for being on other reality shows. WTH? Is this our definition of "fame," having been on TV? Because if so, I was in the background of an episode of Golden Girls?* I can has moneyz now?

I am moving to convene Congressional hearings on the definition of "celebrity", because I don't want my kids growing up in a world where Michael Bolton is referred to as a "superstar". That's just not right.

* Not true. It was Empty Nest.