12.07.2007

BRR Goes To the Movies, the "No Thanks/No Way" Edition

Today we're looking at movies that I will never see. Movies that I will go out of my way not to see. And trust me, I am stubborn. I still haven't seen Titanic... just on principle.

We'll start off with the rom-com P.S.: I Love You starring that actress who won an Oscar for looking uncannily like a teenage shemale:

Oh man, that looks just atrocious, right? And I sort of liked Return To Me. (Shut up! It's Bonnie Hunt. She's a funny lady. Can't pick a script, but still.) Does anybody get a weird feeling from the premise of this movie? It's all a little creepy, innit? Dude's dead, but he's pimping his old lady out from beyond the grave? Ewww. Is it gross, or is it just me?

Moving on, we come to the "non-negotiable" section of this post. These next two movies involve actors that are deal-breakers for me. I have a list of a few actors that I will not tolerate. (I also have a "Yes, Please and Thank You" list of actors with a free pass that I'll post... sometime or another.) If they're in a movie, I am bound by honor to pass on said movie. My list includes:

* Angelina Jolie

* Nicholas Cage

* Will Smith

* J.Lo

* Sorry dad, but Costner's burned me too many times.

* Leonardo DiCaprio's a hard sell.

* Tom Cruise (with the exception of Minority Report. That movie friggin' KICKED!) is - and has been for a long while - a firm "no".

* Also, any singing is grounds for disqualification.

* If it's directed by Bret Ratner or James Cameron = no.

* And if Mel Gibson's in it and it's a historical epic, no thanks.

So, imagine my chagrin when the following films both kicked it into overdrive and started showing up in Every. Single. Commercial. Break. Ever:

I know, it looks sort of cool, but let me just give you a tip to help strengthen your resolve after Christmas when somebody says "Let's go see that vaguely awesome-looking post-apocalyptic vampire movie with the Fresh Prince." Repeat after me: "Will Smith will not bring me happiness. He's not a very good actor and has a tendency to bring the suck to anything he touches. Also, dude was the! Fresh! Prince! How come nobody seems to remember that?! Why!?" Repeat until you feel strong enough to run screaming from the room in horror, as if your brain caught fire by merely entertaining the notion of seeing a Will Smith movie. Because it will catch fire sometime before those credits roll. Just say "no".

Next up, the trailer for National Treasure 2: Book of Whatever:

You know the most frustrating thing about Nicolas Cage? It's that he used to be awesome. He used to be fun. Now he's all jacked up on his own self and how he's a serious actor/action star and all that.

Remember him in Red Rock West, not to mention his flawless performance in Raising Arizona? Remember that guy? Yeah, he got killed by some guy who's too busy making dreck like Con Air or Face/Off or Gone In 60 Seconds or marrying Elvis' crazy daughter (did he marry her after Jacko? Because if he did... there is no hope for him). He buried him in a ditch somewhere and then sped off to get his teeth capped and hair plugged into his head. It's a shame really. (I will say this: I thought he was excellent in the Weather Man, probably because he was playing himself: a guy who's become so caught up in his own self he's completely incapable of being a real live human being. He's just a guy who smiles for the camera. Kinda eerie to think about, huh?)

Anyway, that's it for this week. Come back next week. We'll make popcorn.

3 comments:

Patti said...

And Moonstruck. He was good in Moonstruck.

Your rant was awesome.

Caitlin said...

Oh, come on! Give Costner another chance will you? Please? Do it for me and your Dad, too.

I'll let you know how the Fresh Prince (did I really just capitalize that?) movie is - Russell totally wants to see it.

Dylan said...

Sorry Caitlin, Costner is dead to me. I saw Waterworld.

And I'm sure I Am Legend will be a decent action movie, but I have this feeling I'd spend the whole movie thinking how I'd rather be watching, say, Don Cheadle fight vampires in a post-apocalyptic NYC instead of the friggin' Fresh Prince.

Sort of how I kept wishing John Cusack was in War Of the Worlds instead of Tom Cruise. Also, how I wished that that movie had been written better.