If you are going to, as the kids these days say, "roll with my krew," there are certain things you must "be down with." Certain things are just non-negotiable if we're going to be "homies," as it were. In most relationships, these things are discovered gradually, but we have no time for that. I have no time for that. I am a busy person with many important things to attend to. These buffalo wings aren't going to eat themselves. We live in the digital age and things have to happen fastfastfast, so I have prepared this short list of things you must know if you're going to pal around with a "baller" like me.
* The first two B-52's albums, The B-52's and Wild Planet, are two of the greatest collections of pop music ever produced by man or beast.
* When I say "Let's dance," you had better dance. If that means we throw down in the middle of the supermarket, right next to the Pop Tarts and oatmeals, then so be it.
* You cannot convince me that Muppets are not real. Don't even try. They are real. End of story.
* If you fall it's comedy. If I fall, it's tragedy. Don't mix them up.
* If we are out and about and we should happen to see the people responsible for the Steve Martin Pink Panther movies - up to and including Mr. Martin himself - you are bound by duty to join me in beating them senseless. America demands it.
* Yes, I do want to read your manuscript, but only if it involves an insurance salesman facing down against zombie cyborg panda bears in a postapocalyptic wasteland that uncannily resembles central Wyoming, circa 1973. Also, it must include at least one usage of the phrase, "heaving bosoms."
* DO NOT, under any circumstance, talk during Lost unless it's to say "Holy crap, this show is insane." If you are on fire, it will have to wait until the commercial. Show some class.
* It is considered impolite to giggle when I say "Fo shizzle."
* Never forget that Bruce Lee wins in any game of "Who Would Win In A Fight?"
* When we are riding two on a bike, I call "perma-dibs" on the handlebars. It makes me feel like I'm being chauffeured around.
* I only listen to "Freedom Rock," and I require it to be "turn[ed] up, man" at all times.
* My favorite color is orange, my favorite food is buffalo wings, my favorite Monkee is Mike and my favorite animal is an animal with the head of a dolphin, the body of a lion, the tail of a dragon, the front legs of a sasquatch and the hind legs of a certified public accountant. It also has a unicorn's horn. I call this animal "Mortimer." "Mort" for short.
* That last part rhymed. You should probably laugh right now.
* If you happen to interrupt me while non-ironically enjoying Hanson's "Mmmbop" you must swear by all that is good, holy and pure in this world or the next to never tell anyone. Not a soul. Not even if a judge deposes you. If you must risk perjury and subsequent imprisonment in order to take my secret to the grave and possibly beyond, so be it. Otherwise I will cry. A lot.
* It wouldn't hurt if you referred to me by my DJ name every now and the: DJ Mad Fresh Funky Skillz Ice Cube Vanilla Frosting Rappinghood the Illest Fo Shizzle. Try it. Just once? See, that wasn't so hard, was it?
And it's "Fresh Funky Skillz," not "Funky Fresh Skillz." I'll let it slide this time, but next time ... well, let's not think about that, right?