Pet Peeve Sounds, vol. 2

Does your microwave beep at you if you leave something in it too long after it's finished? Mine does. It's freaking annoying. The last thing I need is naggy appliances.

This is why the robots must never win their precious revolution. The future will be filled with annoying beeps and chirps, mark my words. Mark them well.

Sweet Sassy Molassey

This is quite possibly the most amazing thing I have ever seen.

POW! #1 - Random Cleveland

Found on a wall across from the produce section of the Westside Market. Hand-drawn typography. Korean? It was some sort of meat market, I think. It's abandoned now.

"Housekeeping! You Want Me Fluff Your Pillow?"

Okay, so there are some announcements that I need to get out there. Basic housekeeping stuff that I thought I'd bore you with.

Firstly, the call is still out for Blog Buddies. If you want your blog posted in my sidebar, just leave me a comment with your blog address. As I say in my new paragraph below the list, "As long as you're not super-creepy, I'll add [your blog]." So, people who are just "creepy," you're in. "Super-creepy" people, well, sorry. Maybe next time.

Secondly, remember when I bribed you into commenting with my wicked mixtape skills? Just imagine if I were doing that for, say, the top 10 commenters of the month. How rad would that be? How lame would you feel if you missed out on a handcrafted musical treat by someone with a black belt in mixtaping from the Shaolin Temple of Rock (that's me, by the way). I'm just saying.

Thirdly, I'm starting a new feature: Picture of the Week, or as I will refer to it "POW!". Because I'm a nerd like that. I have all these fun cameras sitting around (Polaroid, Holga, Lomo) that I will be posting photos from. One a week. Cool, right?

Fourthly, a kitten held by an aspiring spinster. And now I pull out my mini tape recorder like Alan Alda in Crimes & Misdemeanors and say, "Idea for a website: a social networking like MySpace for crazy cat ladies. 'CatSpace'? Maybe."

Turn down the sheets, a mint on the pillow... and we're done here.

Just a Quick Thought

Since when was David Hasslehoff an arbiter of talent? I mean, I love Knight Rider as much as the nexy guy (okay, so a little bit more than the next guy - sue me), but come on.

Maybe if the show were titled Germany's Got Talent or the Luxurious Chest Hair Challenge or So You Think You Can Drunkenly Eat a Hamburger On a Hotel Room Floor it'd be a little easier to buy the Hoff as some sort of expert.

I just had to share. I feel better now; cleansed.

What's That, Tabitha?

He did? Are you sure? Holy smokes, he did. See! And it's only been, like... three months. Not bad. Anyway, check it out, even though it does contain mention of that most foul of abominations: the centaur.

Filthy creatures.

I Killed Veronica Mars

So, no sooner had I commented on how much I was digging Veronica Mars, that the CW, in another stroke of genius, decided to cancel it.

It's like I have the blogging death-touch. I spread the love for Nextwave, it gets the boot. I spread the love for Lost, ratings dive-bomb. I spread the love for Veronica, literally seconds later, it's canned. What's next? Scott Pilgrim vol. 4: Scott Pilgrim Gets It Together gets delayed indefinitely? LCD Soundsystem dies in a horrible plane crash? Every copy of the incredible Tom Waits Orphans: Brawlers, Bawlers & Bastards album mysteriously disappears? Luchadores are outlawed by the Supreme Court? In some quirk of physics, awesomeness itself ceases to exist? When will this madness end?

So, starting now, I will use these destructive powers for good. I will, from this moment forward devote myself to pimpimg the following things that suck in hopes that my amazing (though sadly useless) power will cause them to wither up and die:

CBS's "comedy" Two & A Half Men
Rachel Ray
90% of all reality television
Comics that will "change the face of the ________ Universe - Forever!"
Avril Lavigne
Paris Hilton (freaking go away)
Justin Timberlake
People who call your house at 11:30 at night during the disappointing Cavs game insisting you stole their cell phone only to have dialed the wrong area code!
The comic book art of Michael "Oh What A Hack Am I" Turner
People who drive Hummers
People who bad-mouth Picasso
Parsley (so useless!)

And finally...

The CW. You suck.

There, my job here is done. Now I can sleep a little sounder, having made the world is a safer place. Until next time, citizen.

***************

In other news, the word "pimping" is, according to Blogger's spell-check, not a word. When reached for a comment, a visibly distraught Snoop Dogg released the following statement: "This is whack. The D-O-Double-Gizzle will not let this obvious slighting of hard-working ballers everywhere by the G-Double-O-Double-Gizzle (Google) stand."

He then smoked a lot of marijuana cigarettes, laughed at a dog who was urinating on a bush and passed out. Upon waking, Mr. Dogg demanded a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos and promptly forgot about the whole "pimping" thing.

Reporting from South Central, this is the Big Red Robot wishing you a pleasant evening or whatever. Back to you, Nina Radetich.

Who Is Your Daddy?

Well, father's day is coming up and if any of you are wondering what to get your daddy, or at least that guy your mom says is your daddy, there's always this little beauty which manages to mix two things of equal awesomnimity: surrealism and Super Mario Brothers.

Awesome, innit?

I'm a size "large." Just in case you were wondering.


(Seriously though, don't buy it for me. You need to save your money for this. Yeah. That sound you hear in the back of your skull: pure glee escaping into the atmosphere and fixing that hole in the ozone and making ponies become unicorns and babies smile and ice cream delicious and leprechans dance. Such is the power of Scott Pilgrim.)

Another Video

Aaaah, YouTube. Friend of lazy bloggers everywhere. This is Blur's video for "Coffee & TV," from the album 13.

Isn't that cute? And sort of twisted?

the T to the Vizzy

So with Lost on hiatus until next year (Holy cat crap, Batman! Can that be right?! [checks the beloved internets] It is. WTH?) and us living somewhere where we actually get TV reception, I've been trying out a few "new" (for me at least) shows. I feel like I'm at a buffet, picking at stuff I've always been curious about, but not wanting to have to commit a whole meal to. I am free! So, here's what's on my plate:

Veronica Mars (CW, Tues. 9/8C) - Wow. I really like this show. After hearing the critics (and Stephen King in EW) get all glowy about this show, I was curious, but not entirely sold. I was wrong. I am man enough to admit that now. Now admittedly, I'm picking up in the third season (we just got season 1, disc 1 via the beloved Netflix, however), I was definitely smitten. The dialogue's snappy (Whedon-esque, if you will... though I was never all that into Buffy. I just like adding "-esque" to th eends of words. It's a very Big Red Robot-esque thing to do), and with the unfortunate demise of that other CW show and Big Red Robot fave (and I don't care who knows it), Gilmore Girls, I need me some snappy dialogue. Watch it.

Boston Legal (CBS, Tues. 10/9C) - I will admit this only once: I dig Shatner. And he's hilarious here. I'm not one for legal dramas (they bore m, really. If it were at all interesting, I'd be typing this in a law office rather than a design office) but, this is decent entertainment. It's got Candice bergen in it and James Spader (he's looking a little old, isn't he?) and the guy who played Stevie's dad on Malcolm In the Middle as a bunch of quirky lawyers. For what it is, it's worth it, as long as nothing else is on.

Traveler (ABC, Wed. 10/9C) - File this under: "great idea poorly executed." The set-up for this show is great (two friends are framed for a terrorist act by their friend who, somehow, never really existed), and it has some really cool moments, but it ends up stumbling over hoary old clichés at every turn. The characters are stock, the twists are stock, the dialog is stock. There's just nothing there that's at all special once you get beyond the high concept (which is where this differs from Lost, which could easily have been a much less interesting show had it not had the talent it has at the helm). It has one more episode and if it fails to elicit any impression, I'm out. I could use the extra sleep, anyway.

The New Adventures of Old Christine (CBS, Mon. 8:30/7:30C) - I really want to love this show, really I do, if only to prove that the cast of Seinfeld isn't cursed, but it's at best, a marginally decent sitcom. Skippable.

How I Met Your Mother (CBS, Mon 9:30/10:30C) - It's funny and the cast is great (Jason Segel is genius, surprising no one), but it careens far too often into Crudetown, which is unfortunate. Watch it, but put the kids down first.

Creature Comforts (CBS, 8/7C) - It's cute, but sort of just one joke over and over. Still, it's funny stuff and the claymation's pretty impressive. It's still a little, I dunno, British, in its pacing, which may not be a good thing for lowest-common denominator American audiences. Worth keeping an eye on.

On the Lot (Fox, Tues. 8/7C) - Great premise and, I think, fairly accessible for a culture where film is our dominant art form. We've seen enough films to know (for the most part) good work from bad work (though a cursory glance at box office receipts might just kill my precious little theory dead) . Still, the whole American Idol, let's see how many hours we can milk out of one show by showing the films one episode and then having the results show the next episode thing tires me. Just tell me who won, 'kay? Let's not milk this thing forever. It's a great idea for a reality competition, but come on, don't drag it out. If it's on, and nothing else more interesting is competing, check it out.

NBC's Thursday night lineup (Uh, NBC 8-10/7-9C) - My Name Is Earl, the Office, 30 Rock and Scrubs? I guess I know where I'll Thursday nights. The weak link here is Scrubs but it's normally entertaining enough to warrant a watch. It's in nno way as cute as it would like you to believe it is, but hey, at least it tries, right? The other three are some of the best series on television right now that don't feature an island full of crazy/awesome stuff. you must watch this or suffer the indignity of being branded an outcast by society at large.

And here's some shows I've watched and will rip to shreds:

According to Jim - Another entry in the "Obnoxious fat guy with good-looking wife" genre (I feel it fair to note that I am a fan of King Of Queens, which falls firmly and unashamedly in this camp, but it's the genre done well - that's the difference here), this is just not at all funny. It's like there's a warehouse full of these scripts and once one of these shows get canceled, they cast a new one on a different network. Okay, we get it, it's the Honeymooners for our time. Enough already.

Two And A Half Men - This show is comedy cancer. It will make you die if you watch an entire episode. And, what the heck is up with Charlie Sheen's chin? Did he get , like a chin implant or something? Because he looks horrible. He looks like Skeletor wearing a flesh mask. [shivers] Yeesh. Gives me the creeps. Also, did I mention thsi show is atrocious? Because it is.

Anyway, so that's television. Did I miss anything? Keep in mind we just have rabbit ears. I know it's weird. Work with it.

Updated! We also never miss America's Funniest Home Videos, because you never can see enough crotch-hits, and I watched most of an episode of Studio 60 and man, them people can talk, can't they?