Y is for "WHYYYYY?!?!?"

So I was looking through my latest issue of Rolling Stone, you know, the one with Jack White and those two skeletons on the cover. And I'm flipping through to see the "Spring Album Preview", which is sort of exciting stuff. It's like the JC Penney's catalog for music nreds.

So I'm looking through: That new My Morning Jacket album sounds sort of good. New Death Cab album (guess who got tickets to see them and Rogue Wave in June?), which I may or may not have already heard. Jakob Dylan's doing a solo album? Were there other people in the Wallflowers? Another Weezer album? Oh man, that's just sad. Dr. Dog has a new one. Their last album We All Belong was pretty good. Have to check this new one out. The Hold Steady and the Walkmen in July and August, respectively. Love's Forever Changes is getting re-released. Again. And Pacific Ocean Blue, which, yeah, I'm pretty excited about is finally getting pressed to CD.

Oh yeah, and Coldplay's got a new one. Man, those guys are like wallpaper, aren't they? They're just sort of there, y'know? Not that great, not horrible. We'll see if this new one blows my mind. If nothing else, it'll be decent.

Anyway, so I'm feeling pretty good about spring/summer music-wise and then I see this:

Which caused me to yell at the universe, "KHAAAAN!"-style, "WHY!?!?!?" Seriously, who is going to buy this and why are we allowing them to roam free? These guys are not cool, their music is not good. They're disgusting, decrepit old punch lines in search of a joke that turns out to not be funny so much as abysmally depressing. They're just horrible people who make horrible music and they must be stopped.

Have I explained my Behind the Music Paradox to you yet? No? Well, the BTMParadox states that any band, no matter if you like their music or not, benefits from a variable exponent (which we will refer to as "x") of repect when the episode is finished. So if you went into the No Doubt BTM with a negative opinion (which we will designate as "n") of the band, once you watch the BTM, [ (x)(n) = (r), with "r" designating some modicum of respect ... don't ask, it's math ] you will leave the episode with a slight amount of respect for a band you thought dumb or whose music you found loathsome before viewing.

The Crüe holds the distinction - along fellow hair metal band, Poison - of being the only band whose Behind the Music episode actually made me actively hate them. And I sat through the Vanilla Ice one. But the Crüe? No way, man. I went in neutral, like Switzerland and emerged the roiling pit of rage that stands before you. Like North Korea.

And then, to add insult to injury, I saw this gem:

Johnny Freaking Cougar will you please die already. "All I can do is keep on writing songs" ... that sell cars. Whatevs, you big fat phony. Just shut up and retire or something, okay? Thanks.

Anyway, what albums are you looking forward to? What albums have rocked your world lately? Anybody going to any shows?

TV Eye {or} This Goes On For A Lot Longer Than It Should So I Apologize In Advance

Okay, so how funny was The New Adventures Of Old Christine last night? Am I the only person on the planet watching this show, because it's really freaking hilarious. Seriously, if you're not watching, you're missing out.

I'll be the first to admit that CBS' Monday night lineup is troublesome, especially if you're like me and are living in the DVR-/cable-less Stone Age. They have two really good shows, How I Met Your Mother and Old Christine sandwiched between two of the most hideous atrocities ever perpetrated in television: Big Bang Theory (or as I like to call it, "Let's just string a bunch of nerd stereotypes together and call it comedy") and {ugh} Two And A Half Men (also known as "That horrible, barfy, unfunny show starring Charlie Sheen's Skeletor Chin™ and Ducky"). Bummer, right?

It's really annoying, especially when you factor in that in CBS' on-air promos, Old Christine is not even mentioned as existing. It's like it's a ghost or something. I've noticed the same thing with Fox's Sunday night lineup and King Of the Hill, but that's understandable; Hill Has never been all that funny and I'm honestly surprised it's still on the air. I always have to check the calendar and make sure it didn't all of the sudden become 1999 again. Totally blows my mind.

And speaking of shows starring dark-haired females with serious problems, I caught the first two episodes of Jezebel James Rides Again, the new sitcom from Amy Sherman-Palladino, creator of the BRR-beloved Gilmore Girls, starring Parker Posey and the red headed girl from Can't Hardly Wait. Man, I wish this show was better. I really wanted to love it, really I did. It's not horrible, but it does have some strikes against it, three to be exact.

Strike One: it's a multi-camera, set-based sitcom, which seems so stale and artificial, especially when compared to The Office or 30 Rock or just about any show which went into production in the last two years.

Strike Two: It's really badly directed. I know it takes a while for a cast to gel, but you have some pretty talented actors (Posey, Lauren Ambrose, Dianne Weist as their mother) who just seem so... actorly and stodgy. I also missed the rapid-fire, too cute for its own good Gilmore banter that made me fall in love with the quirky hamlet of Stars Hollow all those years ago. This seemed like a pretty decent community theater play. On television.

Strike Three: The characters. After two - count 'em - two episodes, I felt like I didn't really "get" who these people were. We got the basic sketch: Posey's the responsible one (though she comes off as flighty and scatter-brained) and Ambrose is the stoner/unreliable one (though she comes off as just sort of rude). I know Palladino's going for complexity, but I just felt like I should know them a bit more, maybe? I dunno. Either that or they just weren't all that interesting. Or poorly directed (see "Strike Two"). Take your pick.

And while I'm talking about character, the cast is remarkably small. Part of the fun of Gilmore Girls was the cast of ancillary characters and Jezebel, partly because of its format (see "Strike One", above), has a skeleton crew of secondary characters: the boyfriend, the assistant, the parents... that's about it. But the format isn't entirely to blame, just look at a show like 30 Rock which has a pretty extensive cast (the fact I can name the writing staff - with the exception of the dude who's supposed to be Jimmy Fallon/Seth Myers - Frank, Lutz and Twofer, off of the top of my head only proves my point).

In the end, it just seems like Jezebel James just isn't trying hard enough. Which is sad, because Palladino deserves better.

And since this has already gone on too long, here are a few random thoughts regarding reality television:

* Dancing With the Stars - Oh my goodness, what happened to Priscilla Presley! She looks like someone who sustained severe burns and had to undergo serious facial reconstruction. Look away! Also, how hilarious is it that Pen Gillette is on this show? And Steve Gutenburg looks like a dancing robot.

* Beauty & the Geek - I am significantly less excited about this season. I may drop it entirely. Plus, I think the Asian dude is faking it. And the girls are just plain masty this season.

* The Biggest Loser - I am so glad the male contestants started putting their shirts on at the weigh-ins a few weeks back. It was getting pretty gross there for a while, what with all the flabby man boobs flip-flopping around, this way and that. I'm really hoping you got a nice mental picture there because if I had to endure it, you should have to, too.

And finally: * American Idol - First off, that Janis Joplin-sounding girl's voice makes my head feel all crazy inside. Seriously, it's like a bleating sheep who knows it's about to get sacrificed to Baal or something. It's nightmare music. {shudders} And secondly, should I be worried if I agree wholeheartedly with Simon like, all the time? Oh, and Seacrest is a twerp, isn't he? Don't you sit there wishing he would fall off the stage or slip while walking to talk with a contestant or accidentally wet himself on live television or something?

Because I sure do.

More Than Meets the... Oh, Forget It

Okay, so I watched Transformers over the weekend and man! that movie is the very definition of "craptastic." It's totally loud, moronic, and awesome. Basically, imagine it as being E.T. written and directed by a 17-year-old with ADD and an unhealthy love for the US military (also pronounced: "Michael Bay"). And instead of a cute little alien that looks like somebody melted your grandma you have a bunch of giant transforming robots.

From outer space.

Also, there's Jon Voight as the Secretary of Defense and the always amazing John Turturro as a psychopathic secret government agency spook. So yeah, tough call. Did I mention the giant transforming robots? From outer space? This movie is part genius, part trash and all somewhat satisfying in the same way that eating and entire box of Charleston Chews can be satisfying.

Let me just say this: I am in no way advocating this movie, especially if you have no love at all for the 80's toy property, as any "fun" to be had is entirely dependent on some sort of warm (if misguided) nostalgia for the Robots In Disguise™. But it's as good as a movie based on a bunch of old toys should, and possibly could, hope to be. I mean, remember the Garbage Pail Kids Movie? (Which, along with Lancelot Link: Secret Chimp, I honestly believed I had made up, since every time I talked to anyone about them, people looked at me like I had just said "Hey! Let's eat dirt!") This easily could have been that bad (or Masters Of the Universe even, which - let's be honest - uses a fairly similar plot), but, despite itself, it isn't. It's like Independence Day, only slightly better, probably because Will Smith isn't anywhere near it.

If I've said it once, I've said it a million times: Nothing spoils a good time quicker than the Fresh Prince. Them's words to live by.

Also, this movie is way too long. Like, an hour too long? An hour and a half? Seriously. And Michael Bay loves him some Army men, doesn't he? He should have just made a big loud war movie separately and got it all out of his system because as it stands, it feels like two movies stitched together. And as long as I'm kvetching, where does that last battle take place? I mean, they're at Hoover Dam and then they're heading to "the City" which, if this were at all based in reality - and it isn't, let's just settle that there so you can enjoy it a little bit more - would mean Las Vegas, right? But it sure looks like, I dunno, downtown LA (it was probably shot somewhere in Canada, though) or something, to me.

Anyway, so that's my review of Transformers: It's terrible, but awesome. If you expect the worst, you'll be pleasantly surprised. Or at least not totally irate.

And until next time, the balcony is closed.

Shotgun Post!

* There is nothing "fun" about so-called "Fun Size" candy bars.

* We watched the first disc of Heroes season 1 (which only contained the first two episodes... WTH!?). Uh, does this get better or is it all this mediocre? Okay. We get it. They have superpowers. We've seen X-Men. Is it worth sticking it out and finishing the series or would my time be better spent finishing up Veronica Mars season 2? Freaking Jeph Loeb is ruining the nerd world for me.

* Who would win in a fight between a vampire and a zombie? Think about it. They're both un-dead. Dude. I know, I just blew your mind. You're welcome.

* Operation: Grow This Freaking Beard is in full effect. I'm giving it a one week trial period and then we shall see. I don't think I can match this guy's beard, but I think I am okay with that. I also don't think it will stick after the trial period (it's already starting to bug me), but... we shall see.

* Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull could maybe be the Best. Movie. Title. Ever.

* I don't care what Ravi Shankar says: a little bit of sitar goes a long, long way.

* French fries are proof that there exists a divine being who loves us and wants us to be happy.

* Anybody want to try out Netflix for a month for free? I got this coupon in my e-mail that I can send to you, electronic-like.

* You know what's a funny word: "Coupon." Say it a few times. Funny, right?

* Would you ever eat an elephant steak? I don't think I would.

* Another funny word: "Ointment."

* Of all the animals in the animal kingdom, I would like least to be eaten by a lion. Mainly because they'd be so dang smug about it. Don't lions seem all stuck up? Like they'd finish you off and be all, "Well, I am the King of the Jungle. Hahaha."

* There's this new show on CBS, (which, by the way, has a decent Monday night from 8-9 with How I Met Your Mother backed up with the New Adventures Of Old Christine) called the Big Bang Theory. Have you seen the commercial for this show? It is like anti-comedy. If it came in physical contact with actual comedy, life as we know it would cease to exist. This is Bizarro comedy, made for a cube world where the sky is green and the grass is blue and comedy is unfunny and the president can read.

It should come as no surprise that they also are advertising this show as being from the people who brought the world the comedy sinkhole that is Three & A Half Men, or as I refer to them, "those people who should be drug through the streets for crimes against humanity."

* Why are Fridays are the longest days of the week? Is it some sort of curse put upon the working man by a crazy homeless witch? Harry Potter, help me now!

* If you should ever happen to meet one of the Red Hot Chili Peppers, DO NOT SHAKE THEIR HANDS!!! You don't know where those guys have been.

* Finally, there is such a thing as too many Oreos. Unfortunately.

Kissing the Lipless

Okay, so I stumble donto this. I'm not sure to feel sorry for in this situation. It's a tough call. So I turn to you, Beloved Internets: Who got the poop end of the stick in this case and why? Make sure to show your work.

the T to the Vizzy

So with Lost on hiatus until next year (Holy cat crap, Batman! Can that be right?! [checks the beloved internets] It is. WTH?) and us living somewhere where we actually get TV reception, I've been trying out a few "new" (for me at least) shows. I feel like I'm at a buffet, picking at stuff I've always been curious about, but not wanting to have to commit a whole meal to. I am free! So, here's what's on my plate:

Veronica Mars (CW, Tues. 9/8C) - Wow. I really like this show. After hearing the critics (and Stephen King in EW) get all glowy about this show, I was curious, but not entirely sold. I was wrong. I am man enough to admit that now. Now admittedly, I'm picking up in the third season (we just got season 1, disc 1 via the beloved Netflix, however), I was definitely smitten. The dialogue's snappy (Whedon-esque, if you will... though I was never all that into Buffy. I just like adding "-esque" to th eends of words. It's a very Big Red Robot-esque thing to do), and with the unfortunate demise of that other CW show and Big Red Robot fave (and I don't care who knows it), Gilmore Girls, I need me some snappy dialogue. Watch it.

Boston Legal (CBS, Tues. 10/9C) - I will admit this only once: I dig Shatner. And he's hilarious here. I'm not one for legal dramas (they bore m, really. If it were at all interesting, I'd be typing this in a law office rather than a design office) but, this is decent entertainment. It's got Candice bergen in it and James Spader (he's looking a little old, isn't he?) and the guy who played Stevie's dad on Malcolm In the Middle as a bunch of quirky lawyers. For what it is, it's worth it, as long as nothing else is on.

Traveler (ABC, Wed. 10/9C) - File this under: "great idea poorly executed." The set-up for this show is great (two friends are framed for a terrorist act by their friend who, somehow, never really existed), and it has some really cool moments, but it ends up stumbling over hoary old clichés at every turn. The characters are stock, the twists are stock, the dialog is stock. There's just nothing there that's at all special once you get beyond the high concept (which is where this differs from Lost, which could easily have been a much less interesting show had it not had the talent it has at the helm). It has one more episode and if it fails to elicit any impression, I'm out. I could use the extra sleep, anyway.

The New Adventures of Old Christine (CBS, Mon. 8:30/7:30C) - I really want to love this show, really I do, if only to prove that the cast of Seinfeld isn't cursed, but it's at best, a marginally decent sitcom. Skippable.

How I Met Your Mother (CBS, Mon 9:30/10:30C) - It's funny and the cast is great (Jason Segel is genius, surprising no one), but it careens far too often into Crudetown, which is unfortunate. Watch it, but put the kids down first.

Creature Comforts (CBS, 8/7C) - It's cute, but sort of just one joke over and over. Still, it's funny stuff and the claymation's pretty impressive. It's still a little, I dunno, British, in its pacing, which may not be a good thing for lowest-common denominator American audiences. Worth keeping an eye on.

On the Lot (Fox, Tues. 8/7C) - Great premise and, I think, fairly accessible for a culture where film is our dominant art form. We've seen enough films to know (for the most part) good work from bad work (though a cursory glance at box office receipts might just kill my precious little theory dead) . Still, the whole American Idol, let's see how many hours we can milk out of one show by showing the films one episode and then having the results show the next episode thing tires me. Just tell me who won, 'kay? Let's not milk this thing forever. It's a great idea for a reality competition, but come on, don't drag it out. If it's on, and nothing else more interesting is competing, check it out.

NBC's Thursday night lineup (Uh, NBC 8-10/7-9C) - My Name Is Earl, the Office, 30 Rock and Scrubs? I guess I know where I'll Thursday nights. The weak link here is Scrubs but it's normally entertaining enough to warrant a watch. It's in nno way as cute as it would like you to believe it is, but hey, at least it tries, right? The other three are some of the best series on television right now that don't feature an island full of crazy/awesome stuff. you must watch this or suffer the indignity of being branded an outcast by society at large.

And here's some shows I've watched and will rip to shreds:

According to Jim - Another entry in the "Obnoxious fat guy with good-looking wife" genre (I feel it fair to note that I am a fan of King Of Queens, which falls firmly and unashamedly in this camp, but it's the genre done well - that's the difference here), this is just not at all funny. It's like there's a warehouse full of these scripts and once one of these shows get canceled, they cast a new one on a different network. Okay, we get it, it's the Honeymooners for our time. Enough already.

Two And A Half Men - This show is comedy cancer. It will make you die if you watch an entire episode. And, what the heck is up with Charlie Sheen's chin? Did he get , like a chin implant or something? Because he looks horrible. He looks like Skeletor wearing a flesh mask. [shivers] Yeesh. Gives me the creeps. Also, did I mention thsi show is atrocious? Because it is.

Anyway, so that's television. Did I miss anything? Keep in mind we just have rabbit ears. I know it's weird. Work with it.

Updated! We also never miss America's Funniest Home Videos, because you never can see enough crotch-hits, and I watched most of an episode of Studio 60 and man, them people can talk, can't they?