A while back, I invited readers to be interviewed by myself. More recently, I sent out a number of questionnaires to those of you who volunteered and have, as of right now, received two back. And that's great. (NOTE: But please, fill it out and send it back. Also, don't forget to include a photo or something with your face on it to go with your answers. Extra credit for hilarious/excellent images.)
Now, I've always heard that you should never ask people to do anything you wouldn't not do yourself. Which is why I butcher my own animals, make my own glue and grow my own Pop Tarts. So, what follows are my answers to my questionnaire.
Las Vegas, NV, but now I hang my hat in Cleveland, OH. That means I live in Cleveland.
I design graphics. Hopefully they are awesome graphics.
Favorite Type Of Donut
The chocolate cake-y glazed ones.
Would you rather be mauled by a bear, stung to death by bees or eaten by a shark? Why?
The shark. It'd be the quickest, I think, though being mauled by a bear is a heckuva way to go.
If your life were a song, what song would it be?
Talking Heads' "Naive Melody." Either that or DJ Jazzy Jeff & the Fresh Prince's "Parents Just Don't Understand."
If you could only watch one film for the rest of your life, what would it be?
Probably Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory. The 70's version. With Gene Wilder. Not the Johnny Depp-as-Michael Jackson Tim Burton one.
If you had your way, where would you live out the rest of your days and how?
I'm not sure I've found the perfect place just yet, but I will tell you this: it will be warm, big-ish, have cool shops and a lot of places to hear live music and eat delicious food. So far, that looks like Austin, TX, but we shall see. Any tips on this one?
What would your like your tombstone read? (Don't worry, I'm not going to kill you)
The Three Stooges or the Marx Brothers?
Marx Brothers, by a country mile.
What three TV shows can you not miss?
30 Rock, Lost and, uh, The FringeOffice.
If you could erase one social problem with the flick of yr wrist, what would it be and why?
Child abuse. That one reeeeally bums me out. If there's a news story on it, I have to leave the room or risk being depressed for days. Then I'd flick away poverty, ignorance, unkindness and finally, people complaining in bank and post office lines.
Who was your earliest remembered crush?
What five things do you hope people know or think about you?
* Despite my strong opinions on anything (and everything) from politics to home furnishings, we can still agree to disagree. I just like debating.
* I love my family. Like, the most.
* Half of what I say is meaningless.
* That the time I was escorted out of that Chuck E. Cheese's was a total misunderstanding and I apologize for punching Chuck E. in the face and calling the Rock-A-Fire Explosion a "bunch of animatronic fascists." But seriously, if you don't want adults in the ball pit, you should probably post a sign or something.
* I really just want everybody to have a good time. Be excellent to each other. "Love thy neighbor." All that stuff.
What three things are you terrified that people know or think about you?
* That I'm a totally rude, obnoxious, stupid, blowhard bore that they barely tolerate.
* That I sort of maybe liked "Mmmbop" more than a little bit.
* That I am not really all that sorry about the whole Chuck E. Cheese fiasco. Or, as it is known in our household, "Chuck E. Gate."
The Stones or the Who?
Y'know, up until a few years ago, I'd have said the Who, easily, but now, as I've gotten a little older and my musical palette has expanded a little, it'd be a tough battle. In the end, the Who produced Quadrophenia and Who's Next, so they win.
If you could have any super power (flight, x-ray vision, the ability to talk to undersea creatures, etc.), what would it be and why?
The power to summon huge flocks (are they called flocks? According to WikiAnswers, they're called either a swarm or a rabble. Who knew? The Internets, that's who!) of butterflies and then to command said group of butterflies to do my bidding. Hopefully I would use this great power in the service of the greater good, but I make no promises.
What is the deal with airline food?
I have no idea. I have never eaten an airline meal. Maybe this is why I don't think Jerry Seinfeld's stand-up is all that funny. Maybe if I had eaten an airline meal, I'd find his insights into such matters piercing rather than pedestrian. His show though, his show is gold.
What is your greatest unrealized ambition?
I want to write a novel and record an album of obscure covers called Best. Mixtape. Ever. I want to cold-cock a grizzly bear, throat-punch a shark and karate chop a swarm of bees in half. I want to see a Caravaggio up close and personal, stroll the Parthenon at sunset and enjoy a homegrown Pop Tart on the red hills of Mars. I want to Rock. Also, I wouldn't mind a little Roll.
Most embarassing moment ever. Go!
We were heading to see Bod Dylan at the House Of Blues in Mandalay Bay and who should be walking the opposite way as us with some random blonde? It was Luke Wilson! So I say to him, "Hey! You're Luke Wilson!" Which is just a stupid thing to say. I mean, *he* knows he's Luke Wilson, right? Duh. Why I felt like I needed to point this out to him, I have no idea.
He sort of wrinkled up his brow, obviously confused why anyone would say that to him, gave me a half-hearted nod and kept walking. Candace couldn't stop making fun of me.
And you know what, I deserved it.