"Dude, what happened? It's been like two Tuesdays and no Interviewing With the Starz! Are you okay? Did you fall in the shower or something and couldn't move and nobody knew you were hurt because you were too cheap to get that Medic Alert thingy? Those things save lives, man. Seriously, are you okay?"
Yes. I am okay. I am very okay. I'm still trying to figure out what I can blog about. If you have any suggestions on things I should be pontificating about, feel free to give them to me. I will gobble them up , digest them and turn them into, figuratively speaking, rad crap.
Anyway, to make up for not posting interviews, I'll post one today and one tomorrow. Also, if there are any questionnaires out there that need filling out, finish them up and get them back to me. And if I don't have a provided picture of you, I will use the internet to get one of you and will ensure it will not be flattering. You have been warned.
Today's interview is with my cousin, Ben. We are cousins. We cuz.
Name: Benjamin Graham (pronounced Greyhame, because I am a wizard of the grey. Not really it’s pronounced gram. Like graham-cracker. Just ask anyone from elementary school) Todd
Hometown: Originally from Las Vegas but I left there when I was 14 years old and grew up in Orem, Utah. That’s where I got in most of my trouble. Now living in Lehi, Utah.
Occupation: I am a Digital Subscriber Line Technical Advisor and Screener. Or a tech support guy. More importantly, I’m going to school to be a mechanical engineer and no longer be a tech support guy. But tell that to my family. Because I will always be their tech support guy.
Favorite type of donut: Well, if you’re in a front wheel drive car, then you have to do donuts in reverse because they just plain don’t work in forwards. And that makes me a little queazy. So I’m going to go with rear wheel drive donuts. But in the snow. Not the rubber-burning kind. You can’t get that smell out of your clothes!
Would you rather be mauled by a bear, stung to death by bees or eaten by a shark? Why?
Stung by bees. I have a romanticized vision of being stung into numbness and then fading into eternity. I bet that I wouldn’t go numb though, so then I’d rather be almost drowning (which is what I’m scared of most) and then see a bear riding a shark and they see me and high-five each other and then, well, it’s bear maulin’ shark eatin’ time.
If your life were a song, what song would it be?
“Can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?”
If you could only watch one film for the rest of your life, what would it be?
Oh geez. Well I got kids, so I’ve been there. I handled the live version of Speed Racer for nigh onto six months. But honestly, I’d say Castaway with the ever loveable Tom Hanks. Because:
1) He’s not being Forrest Gump
2) The sound of waves for three hours I think anyone can handle
3) Bosom Buddies, man!
If you had your way, where would you live out the rest of your days and how?
A rock, an Island. Oh wait, this isn’t the song question? I want to live on the ocean. If I stay stateside, then I’d live out my days quite easily in southern Oregon/Northern California. I’ve been to Hawaii and that would do quite nicely as well. I want to stay in America because we’ve got a middle class and guns.
What would your like your tombstone read? (Don’t worry, I’m not going to kill you)
Dude, if tombstones start reading then I think the 1300 page version of Les Miserables should be required reading for anything. Including you, internets.
The Three Stooges or the Marx Brothers?
The Marx Brothers. But don’t let McCarthy hear me say it. I’ve spent enough time in front of a grand jury.
What three TV shows can you not miss?
Lost, Survivor (since season two: represent!), Flight of the Conchords.
If you could erase one social problem with the flick of yr wrist, what would it be and why?
Actors who think they should start bands. Right after that is the CAPSLOCK KEY ON SOME PEOPLE’S EMAILS. AND SMILEYS ;-) AND EXTRA !!!!!!!’s AND ???????’s AND LOL AND J/K AND THE WAY PEOPLE THINK THEY CAN THROW THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE OUT THE WINDOW WHEN THEY TXT N’ STUFF.
Trite? I think not, sir.
Who was your earliest remembered crush?
Samantha on Who’s the Boss?
What five things do you hope people know or think about you?
I really do care.
What three things are you terrified that people know or think about you?
Gosh, I guess I don’t care.
The Stones or the Who?
If you could have any super power (flight, x-ray vision, the ability to talk to undersea creatures, etc.), what would it be and why?
The ability to tell people to stop talking with their mouths without having to say anything. Just think it and POOF, no more words out of your mouth you.
What is the deal with airline food?
I would have capitalized the a and f in Airline Food. Why? Do I want people to read stuff that I write and know what I think is Important?
What is your greatest unrealized ambition?
Jumping straight into space. From the ground. Without my jetpack, I mean.
Most embarassing moment ever. Go!
See the question about what I’m terrified of or whatever...
Honestly, don’t you think this interview has gone on long enough? Why do you need to pry like this? My guy said these would be softball questions. You’re not even wearing pants! And we’re all laughing at you! And you have nowhere to go because the doors have all disappeared! And now you can’t talk because your mouth is gone and you look like that girl on that Twilight Zone movie who didn’t have a mouth because it was gone! And we’re still laughing at you and, no, you cannot be in our book of the month club.
Brutal, right? Come back tomorrow for more Interviewing With the Starz! Who will live, who will die? Tune in to find out.