More Than Meets the... Oh, Forget It

Okay, so I watched Transformers over the weekend and man! that movie is the very definition of "craptastic." It's totally loud, moronic, and awesome. Basically, imagine it as being E.T. written and directed by a 17-year-old with ADD and an unhealthy love for the US military (also pronounced: "Michael Bay"). And instead of a cute little alien that looks like somebody melted your grandma you have a bunch of giant transforming robots.

From outer space.

Also, there's Jon Voight as the Secretary of Defense and the always amazing John Turturro as a psychopathic secret government agency spook. So yeah, tough call. Did I mention the giant transforming robots? From outer space? This movie is part genius, part trash and all somewhat satisfying in the same way that eating and entire box of Charleston Chews can be satisfying.

Let me just say this: I am in no way advocating this movie, especially if you have no love at all for the 80's toy property, as any "fun" to be had is entirely dependent on some sort of warm (if misguided) nostalgia for the Robots In Disguise™. But it's as good as a movie based on a bunch of old toys should, and possibly could, hope to be. I mean, remember the Garbage Pail Kids Movie? (Which, along with Lancelot Link: Secret Chimp, I honestly believed I had made up, since every time I talked to anyone about them, people looked at me like I had just said "Hey! Let's eat dirt!") This easily could have been that bad (or Masters Of the Universe even, which - let's be honest - uses a fairly similar plot), but, despite itself, it isn't. It's like Independence Day, only slightly better, probably because Will Smith isn't anywhere near it.

If I've said it once, I've said it a million times: Nothing spoils a good time quicker than the Fresh Prince. Them's words to live by.

Also, this movie is way too long. Like, an hour too long? An hour and a half? Seriously. And Michael Bay loves him some Army men, doesn't he? He should have just made a big loud war movie separately and got it all out of his system because as it stands, it feels like two movies stitched together. And as long as I'm kvetching, where does that last battle take place? I mean, they're at Hoover Dam and then they're heading to "the City" which, if this were at all based in reality - and it isn't, let's just settle that there so you can enjoy it a little bit more - would mean Las Vegas, right? But it sure looks like, I dunno, downtown LA (it was probably shot somewhere in Canada, though) or something, to me.

Anyway, so that's my review of Transformers: It's terrible, but awesome. If you expect the worst, you'll be pleasantly surprised. Or at least not totally irate.

And until next time, the balcony is closed.


b3n said...

It's Mission City.

Shon said...

I liked the Garbage Pail Kids movie, mainly because of the vomiting . . . (I still have like two hundred cards hidden somewhere, waiting to be cashed in for an early retirement)

barlows said...

Any movie is good with a box of Charleston Chews. Thanks for making me salivate.

Black Sheep said...

Robert Dylan,
Hey brother, good to see you're still the same malcontent I so often looked to for moral guidance. Boy did I feel foolish when I found out Optimus and Megatron were brothers. Why didn't anyone ever tell me? Now I know how Leah felt when she found out that Luke was her brother..."dammit, he was a good kisser too."
You went to Ricks? I thought you were from Vegas, what's wrong with UNLV? If memory serves me right, you weren't much of a sports fanatic, but I imagine the whole of Cleveland was bent over losing to the Red Sox, surely you noticed?