Shotgun Post!

* There is nothing "fun" about so-called "Fun Size" candy bars.

* We watched the first disc of Heroes season 1 (which only contained the first two episodes... WTH!?). Uh, does this get better or is it all this mediocre? Okay. We get it. They have superpowers. We've seen X-Men. Is it worth sticking it out and finishing the series or would my time be better spent finishing up Veronica Mars season 2? Freaking Jeph Loeb is ruining the nerd world for me.

* Who would win in a fight between a vampire and a zombie? Think about it. They're both un-dead. Dude. I know, I just blew your mind. You're welcome.

* Operation: Grow This Freaking Beard is in full effect. I'm giving it a one week trial period and then we shall see. I don't think I can match this guy's beard, but I think I am okay with that. I also don't think it will stick after the trial period (it's already starting to bug me), but... we shall see.

* Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull could maybe be the Best. Movie. Title. Ever.

* I don't care what Ravi Shankar says: a little bit of sitar goes a long, long way.

* French fries are proof that there exists a divine being who loves us and wants us to be happy.

* Anybody want to try out Netflix for a month for free? I got this coupon in my e-mail that I can send to you, electronic-like.

* You know what's a funny word: "Coupon." Say it a few times. Funny, right?

* Would you ever eat an elephant steak? I don't think I would.

* Another funny word: "Ointment."

* Of all the animals in the animal kingdom, I would like least to be eaten by a lion. Mainly because they'd be so dang smug about it. Don't lions seem all stuck up? Like they'd finish you off and be all, "Well, I am the King of the Jungle. Hahaha."

* There's this new show on CBS, (which, by the way, has a decent Monday night from 8-9 with How I Met Your Mother backed up with the New Adventures Of Old Christine) called the Big Bang Theory. Have you seen the commercial for this show? It is like anti-comedy. If it came in physical contact with actual comedy, life as we know it would cease to exist. This is Bizarro comedy, made for a cube world where the sky is green and the grass is blue and comedy is unfunny and the president can read.

It should come as no surprise that they also are advertising this show as being from the people who brought the world the comedy sinkhole that is Three & A Half Men, or as I refer to them, "those people who should be drug through the streets for crimes against humanity."

* Why are Fridays are the longest days of the week? Is it some sort of curse put upon the working man by a crazy homeless witch? Harry Potter, help me now!

* If you should ever happen to meet one of the Red Hot Chili Peppers, DO NOT SHAKE THEIR HANDS!!! You don't know where those guys have been.

* Finally, there is such a thing as too many Oreos. Unfortunately.

To Beard Or Not To Beard... That Is the Question

First off, I apologize for the title. I am a weak man. I should have resisted, but I couldn't, or rather, didn't. I am truly sorry.

Anyway, so some of you have obviously noticed the query posed by the poll to the right. I am contemplating growing a beard. See, I hate shaving. But I also don't like being all hairy. Not that there's anything wrong with a beard. My dad has had a beard for roughly... forever. I'm pretty sure I've seen baby pictures of him. With the beard. I just don't know if I'm a beard type of guy. It takes a certain amount of commitment, y'know? Not just anyone can grow a beard.

If only there was a way to see what I might look like with a beard. Perhaps utilizing the exciting new world of computer technology to create a sophisticated rendering of me with a beard? Oh, okay. Below is the full view of what I may look like with a beard. Check it:

I know, I know. I have mad Photoshop Fu. Do not try this at home. I am a professional. "But what," you ask, "might the profile look like?" Ka-zam!

Yeah. And if that fails, there's always the mustache, right?

Wrong. That was a trick question. Mustaches are gross. Unless you're gay or a cop or a gay cop (or the Castlerocker's dad... seriously Ryan, your dad can rock a 'stache. For reals, though.), mustaches are a no-no. They are face mullet. I read that in a book somewhere. Maybe it was in the Bible. Probably the Old Testament. There's a lot of weird stuff in the Old Testament. I can't remember. I just know that they're gross. Just say "no," kids. Do the world a favor.

So, rock the vote. I'm not saying that I will side with the winning team in this debate (I mean democracy's great and all, but come on, this is my face! It's how I makes my livin'!), but I am willing to listen to what both sides have to say. Truly I am the Barack Obama of facial hair.

We Are Going To Rock

We are going to blow out the speakers on the stereo.
We are going to tear the roof off of this sucker.
We are going to party like it is going to be 1999.
Or 1899 for that matter.
We are going to dance until our legs fall off.
We are going to party like it was going out of business.
We are going to sing songs that haven't been written by anyone on this planet, we will sing them so loud the moon will cry because its ears hurt.
We are going to kick this party out the door and then invite it back in, only to kick it out again.
We are going to throw the kind of party that you can only experience in history books.
We are going to rock like Napoleon Bonaparte.
We are going to rock like Pablo Picasso.
We are going to rock like Vasco da Gama.
We are going to party until the sun burns up.
We are going to party until we run out of music.
If there is a world record for rocking, we will break it to pieces.
We are going to rock like electric robots on fire.
Our party will rock so hard that the crust of the earth will rupture, spilling out massive amounts of molten hot awesome that will burn us all to cinders.
We are going to party like astronaut explorers being ripped apart by a black hole.
We are going to party like hypnotized donkeys.
We are going to party like breakdancing kung fu masters.
We are going to rock like Godzilla, Bruce Lee and Frankenstein teaming up to beat the living bejeepers out of Dracula, the Mummy and the Wolfman.
And Mothra.
And Martha Stewart.
And that one guy with that beard that comes out to here.
And Keanu Reeves.
We are going to kick this party like it is a bad habit like heroin or listening to Rush Limbaugh.
We are going to rock like 76 electric guitars wailing in the darkness of a scorpions heart.
We are going to rock like kittens drinking a saucer of milk.
We are going to rock like rattlesnakes who have grown to an unimaginable size.
We are gong to rock like Batman and Superman got into a fight over who their favorite Spice Girl is and they didn't speak to each other for weeks.
We are going to explode the sun with our rockingness.
Our party will become the legends of future civilizations.
Our ability to rock is second to none.
We will not be out-rocked.
Everything must be rocked.
The ottoman.
The electric can opener.
The other can opener that you have to turn with your hand.
The butter knives.
The bones of dinosaurs.
The unicorns of Norway.
The pet rock collection.
The stained glass windows depicting how we rock.
The entire set of Franklin Mint commemorative plates.
Potsy, Mouth, Richie and especially the Fonze.
They must all be rocked.
We are going to rock our faces right off of our heads and it will be so much better than that movie with John Travolta and Nicholas Cage.
We are going to rock like tube socks made from electric eels with electric eyes and electric toothbrushes.
We are going to rock with the combined power of all of Jack "King" Kirby creations.
Which is a lot of power.
We are going to party like pirates on the high seas of love.
We are going to rock like it is the law and we must obey it.
We are going to rock like the Pythagorean Theorem.
Like the Berlin Wall.
Like a baby's scream.
Like a bobcat's tail.
Like the wild blue yonder.
Like a special effect.
Like the moon on the water.
Like the ocean's tears.
We are going to rock so hard, Bigfoot will come our of hiding and regain his rightful place as King of the World.
We are going to rock because we know of nothing else we do as well.
We are going to rock because we like - no - love it.

We are going to rockrockrock.

Oh yes, indeed.

...If I can just find that Paula Abdul cassette.

Advertising Is Crazy

I was reading in the "Ideas" section over at Veer about the Art Director's Club awards last week and this was one of the winners. Wow. It's quite genius.

Then there's this which my homie Allen, aka "Tenbu" pointed me toward. And let's not forget the yodeling bunny ad that also won at the ADC awards.

It's amazing the amount of surreality they've been able to get away with while selling little brightly-colored candies. The spirit of Salvador Dalí is cackling maniacally while devouring fruit flavored candy and kittens somewhere.

Seriously, can you imagine them pitching these ideas to the board of directors for the Skittles company? I imagine it going something like this:

"So there's this rabbit that sings and this guy trades his Skittles for it because really, who wouldn't want a singing rabbit, but the rabbit won't stop singing and it's really annoying so the guy goes to trade back, but the other guy's just eating the Skittles and the first guy is just standing there with the singing rabbit and he is sad. So, when can we shoot this? Does anybody have any more blow? Is this floor moving? I am hot. Are you hot? It is hot in here."

These guys must be amazingly persuasive to get these weird things produced. Like, "Selling Ice to an Eskimo," persuasive. Like, "Selling Crazy to Tom Cruise" persuasive. Like "Selling Drunk to Lindsay Lohan" persuasive. Like "Selling Creepy to the Transvestite Exterminator" persuasive. These guys are good. Watch out because they may just use their powers for evil and make you do things. Bad things. Like rent Be Cool or shave little Vanilla Ice lines in your eyebrows.

And lastly, in a not-at-all-related item, do not click on this link! Doing so will make you want to claw your eyes out with your fingernails. You have been warned.