Sunday Comics: Badoom!

Is this the most awesome thing ever printed on paper, or should I keep looking? I mean, look at this:

That's right. That just happened. Your eyes = not deceiving you. It's the Thing straight cold-cocking Devil Dinosaur.

And while this is pretty awesome, I don't think I need to give up my search for the Most Awesome Thing Ever just yet. As rad as this is, this page has two strikes against it:

Strike #1: Um, who dressed the Thing? Has Ben Grimm been shopping the International Male catalog again? Because I thought the intervention in Fantastic Four issue #177 took care of that. I'll never forget Mister Fantastic saying, "Look, Ben, we love you, it's just that outfit makes you look a little, uh, well ... gay?" A classic.

Seriously, that Hawaiian shirt? Sorry, but not even the Blue-Eyed Idol Of Millions can pull that off. Folks, I'm gonna drop some fashion knowledge on you, free of charge: Never ever ever buy or wear a Hawaiian shirt. Never. Ever. Not even ironically. I know it's tempting, but just say "no." Buy a postcard or a snowglobe or something. Please. You will look like a total clown.

Also, Ben, what the heck is up with your sandals? Are they some souvenir from a time-travel adventure to ancient Rome that I haven't read yet? Because the rule for Hawaiian shirts applies to Roman sandals, lederhosen and dreadlocks/white people cornrows as well.

And while I'm ripping on my most beloved of comic book heroes, dude, your shorts are too short. I think I was some of your orange rocky junk on page 7. Not pleasant.

Strike #2: On the next page you find out that that isn't Devil Dinosaur. Not really. Which is a bummer and totally negates any amount of awesome promised by that page.

It also means I must get back to my Thing/Devil Dinosaur fanfic: Ben Grimm and Devil Dinosaur Team Up To Defeat Doctor Doom and His Evil Cadre Of Atomic-Powered Doombots With Jetpacks and Lasers and Also There Are A Lot Of Evil Dinosaur Robots That Get Like Totally Tore Up In the Process And It All Ends Up In Space Somehow And the Thing And Devil Dinosaur High Five After Defeating the Bad Guys and Then Eat Pizza.

Turns out Ben's lady-friend Sharon Ventura is starring in Devil Dinosaur: The Movie as Moon Boy's monkey girlfriend's stunt double (get all that?) and this is just a huge animatronic Devil Dino. Which nobody bothers to mention to Ben. And this sort of stuff keeps happening. For like the whole issue. But they just keep berating him for trying to help/save people who appear to be in danger rather than just cluing him in beforehand. Why? Because otherwise, you have no comic book, I guess? Also, it was written in 1986.

Basically, it's a bone-headed precursor to this (which is really some great comicbookery), only in the Concrete story, a giant green dinosaur doesn't come out of the sea, attack the special effects and then saunter off once the fake Devil Dinosaur starts shooting sparks because "I guess they didn't have sparking and fizzing dinosaurs back where he comes from! Whatta chicken!"

Only in comic books, folks.

(All of this boneheadedness/awesomeness can be found in The Thing issue 31, published January 1986, which was in a big box of random comics I got from a church member who I helped move.)


jason quinones said...

hasn't ben grimm ALWAYS been a fan of the hawaiin shirt? the look works for him. the loud ugly prints distracts the viewer from the whole my body is a massive hideous rock thing he has going on.

and yeah that is a pretty kick ass splash page!! what issue is it form cuz it seems really familiar to me?

jason quinones said...

i just answered my own question.

i 'll read the whole post next time before i ask stupid inquiries! now i gotta go dig up that ish cuz i used to collect the thing series as a kid!