Quest For the Conquest Of the Questions Of the Planet Of the Apes Of Tomorrow

Everybody's answering reader questions these days. Christina started it and then Candace followed suit and now all of the sudden, the whole dang Internet has started doing it and I want to do it but if I do it I will look like a copycat instead of an, uh, original cat and I am one original cat! So, I'll be answering reader questions through the power of telepathy. That's right! Just think of a question and I will answer it ... WITH MY MIND!!! Let's roll, monkey people:

Brandt asks: Name three things that are physically close to you:
1. A glass tumbler that was previously full of Chex Mix.
2. A notepad full of notes, sketches of projects I'm working on and the Colonel's recipe. (The secret ingredient: ground up baby kitten tears. They sell them at Wal-Mart. Over by the cremes and lotions.)
3. The Ark Of the Covenant. We're gonna open it up after lunch. See what's in there. Should be fun. I'll take pictures.

Rose asks: What was the last thing you dreamed about?
I dreamed I was riding a unicorn through a field of pink roses, when suddenly it dawned on me that this unicorn, it was really my fourth grade teacher and I had neglected to go to class for the last three years, and once my father - a high-ranking midget astronaut in the Imperial Guard - found out about this, I would be flogged by masked grizzly bears with large, almost-man-sized salmon.

Also, I realized I was naked. And falling. For a long time. Thankfully I woke before I hit the spikes who were really cleverly-disguised alligators below. Thank goodness for that.

Chris asks: Do you collect anything? If so, what?
Bottle caps. Bottles. Beetles. Beatles. Locks of hair from the heads of 16th century philosophers. First edition copies of Everybody Poops. Autographed animation cells from the never-aired cartoon version of M*A*S*H. Cans of Tab. Trading cards of famous hobos, including a Blind Mississippi Mack rookie card in mint condition. No, it's not for sale.

Allen asks: Are you proud of yourself?
Sometimes.

Candace asks: What's your favorite fruity scent?
Richard Simmons. He smells like old ladies and sweat. And oldies. Either that or anything citrusy, really.

John asks: What is your favorite invention?
Bacon.

Dave asks: What do you like better: oranges or apples?
Wow. This is literally like comparing apples to oranges, Dave. But I'd have to go with oranges. Because they're citrusy-smelling. See a couple of questions ago.

Are you a good guesser?
Yes I am ... Caitlin!

Ben asks: Do you have any nicknames?
Bruiser. Maniac. Bloody Knuckles. Professor Destructo: The Ultimate Destroyer. Pickles.

Jason asks: What is your favorite animal?
The majestic narwhal. Truly yon animal is the unicorn of the briny deep.

Patti asks: What do you do when vending machines steal your
money?
I take it out on my toaster. I will not be pushed around by a machine.

Other Ben asks: What's your least favorite color?
Purpley, orangey, pinkish brown.

Emilio asks: Has a rumor even been spread about you?
There was this rumor going around that I was really Marilyn Manson. But that's total rubbish. Everybody knows that he's that kid that played Paul on The Wonder Years. Or was that Small Wonder? Anyway, he's that kid from that Wonder show from the 80's.

Jesse asks: Have you ever been to a different country?
No. Though I'd really like to visit Latveria before I die. I hear it's beautiful in the spring, when the Doombots come out to spawn.

Ryan asks: Do you believe in magic?
Yes. Magic is what makes the world go round. Literally. Seriously, Isaac Newton was a d-bag with all his "gravity this" and "gravity that" and "gravity gravitygravity." Yuck. It's magic that holds this blue and green plane in the air. Magic is what makes the sun revolve around the earth, makes crops grow and magic is what kills witches. Magic is, basically, awesome.

*******

Aaaaaand that's it. Thanks for your questions. We'll have to do this again sometime.