How We Met (The Truly True Story)

Candace recently blogged about our "how we met" story over here. The only problem is that it's totally inaccurate. Like, total lies. The real story is much more epic and has 300% more battles. And a car chase. And I'm pretty sure that I wasn't wearing a Hanson t-shirt when we first met. I'm pretty sure I answered the door shirtless, my pectoral muscles and perfectly-honed six-pack aglisten with perspiration and desire. My body was emanating a musk as intoxicating as it was animal. My flaxen hair hung loose about my shoulders like drapery framing a chiseled face full of ruggedness and handsomeness and ... Oh, wait. That's a passage from that Harlequin Romance novel I was working on. I had to shelve it because I ran out of synonyms for "heaving."

In any case, her story's full of holes, mis-rememberings and some flat-out lies. Allow me to set the record straight.

Our story begins in 1999. As Prince suggested, I was partying like it was 1999. Which it was, so that worked out pretty well. I had just returned from covert operations in Bangladesh and was looking forward to some downtime after thwarting a horrible terrorist operation using only my mind and a sock full of thumbtacks. It was pretty awesome. Especially when I blew that thing up and it was all like "KA-BOOMMMM!!!" And I was like, "Hope your fire insurance is paid up," as I walked away in slow-motion. Here's where that car chase comes in, as well as a pretty sweet musical montage of me sneaking into the Pentagon set to the Stooges' "I Wanna Be Your Dog." More stuff blows up while I ride off on a super top-secret experimental hover-bike. In slow-motion. Roll credits.

Anyway, I was back, and single and definitely ready to mingle. And I'm sitting there, chilling, unwinding, y'know and my brother Bryan comes in and says, "You know what you need? You need to go see a movie that will really take a crap on the most beloved sci-fi franchise in the last lifetime. For like the sixth time. Shall we see The Phantom Menace again? Ammon's in town."

To which I responded: "Okay. Cool. Maybe this time I won't want to kill Jar-Jar."

"Let's not get carried away," Bryan said. And thus it was on. The date was set, the die cast, the uh, metaphor was uh, slung? I dunno. We went to the movie and I met Candace.

From here, the story's pretty close to what she said, only substituting the Hanson shirt for my rippling muscles as I previously mentioned. Did I mention they were aglisten? Because they were. But the part about the licorice box? I have no idea what fantasy novel that concept trotted out of. Seriously, she was all over me like an applique sweater on a fourth grade teacher. I was like "Um, I'm trying to eat my Red Vines here, lady." And she was all, "So, have I told you what classes I'm taking next semester?" And I was all "Um, like three times. Now if you'll kindly excuse me, I have to watch as George Lucas kills my enthusiasm for Star Wars with midichlorians. Dang, girl!" So yeah, not necessarily love at first sight. Though I did think she was super cute. Just a little too, I dunno, forward?

At the time I was playing in a band called the Asthmatics and our house was a hub of activity that summer, so we had a few chances to see each other again and all of the sudden we were sitting on the couch in her parent's basement, making out watching Willy Wonka. Seriously, I thought she really wanted to watch a movie about a kid who inherits a crazy candy factory, but all of the sudden she's all over me. And I didn't want her to feel bad, and she was so dang cute, so I kissed her back. It was the gentlemanly thing to do. And I may be a lot of things, but one thing I am not is ungentlemanly.

I distinctly remember stopping her mid-make out and saying "Are you sure you want to make out right now? The creepy tunnel part where he sings 'There's no earthly way of knowing / Which direction we are going...' is coming up and I really like that part." And she was all "Listen. Do you want to make out or what?" And I was like, "Um yeah because you're super cute and I think we're gonna get married but don't be surprised if you catch me sneaking a peek every now and then because I really love this movie." And she said "Just shut up and get to kissin', hot stuff."

And that is the true story folks. Only I left out the part about when the psychic robots dinosaurs kidnapped her and sent her into the future and I had to rescue her using only my mind and my mighty, glistening pectorals and I blew up the psychic robots dinosaurs' hideout and it was all like "KA-BOOMMMM!!!" And I was like, "You just got extinct-ed," as I walked away in slow-motion with Candace in my arms and we sped off in my spaceship.

Also, I beat her at tether ball every time; I don't care what she says.

Anyway, so I love Candace. Or: "I so love Candace." Or: "Love Candace, so I." Or whatever. She's funny and cute and awesome and smart and she smells nice and even though she sometimes confuses her rich fantasy life for reality, she's still the bestest thing that ever happened to me. Seriously, without her, I'd most likely be living in a box somewhere. And not even a cool box. Like a store-brand Cap'n Crunch box or something. For reals.