My Birthday Present To You

So yeah, I'm 32 years old today. Woo hoo! And, I don't want to brag or anything, but I have managed to accumulate a lot of knowledge about stuff and stuff. One could say that my knowledge of stuff is vast. I also like sharing. So, why not kill two birds with one stone and share my vast knowledge of stuff with you, you beautiful so & so's? So as follows are 32 things I've learned over the last 32 years. Consider it a present from me to you. And there is no receipt, so if it doesn't fit, tough. Re-gift it or something. I don't know. Not my problem. I just give, y'know?

1. Don't listen to the rabble: you can have your cake and eat it too. You just can't keep the fork.
2. The world is full of cool. Cool people, cool things, cool ideas. Live your life so that one day you will die of a cool overdose.
3. When all else fails, there's always break-dancing.
4. Be thankful for everything.
5. Nothing is better than live music. Well, except for a nice, cold Mr. Pibb and live music.
6. If you can't say anything nice, just mutter it under you breath.
7. Sometimes it's okay to say to the world "Where the H are the flippin' jetpacks? I was promised jetpacks."
8. Stop and smell the roses. But watch out for the dog crap.
9. It's a common view that God is some sort of cosmic cop who's just waiting for you to get out of line so he can bust your nose. This is a lie. He is our Father and wants us to be happy.
10. It's a dog eat dog world out there, so thank goodness you're not a dog or you'd have been reduced to cannibalism by now.
11. The admonition to "Keep your arms inside the ride at all times." should be fastidiously obeyed.
12. Read as many books as you can.
13. Nobody likes a tattle-tale. Also, nobody likes to be called a tattle-tale.
14. No matter what you're going through, remember that it could always be worse. You could be having to fight off zombie hordes on top of whatever else you're going through.
15. Art is rad.
16. It's not your Words Per Minute, it's which words you type.
17. If you got something in your head, you gotta get it out. Otherwise it gets stuck in there and infection can set in. Yuck.
18. Robots are not your friends. They are cold, electrically-powered killing machines. You have every right to be terrified.
19. Take the road less traveled. The other one's a toll road and it's poorly paved.
20. Cartoons.
21. If you must kick it, kick it old school.
22. A little Harry Nilsson can fix almost anything. I'd recommend starting with "The Lottery Song" and working out from there.
23. Worrying never solved anything. Except how to win at the Worry-lympics.
24. Don't act like you're all cool just cuz you listen to jazz. Jazz is not cool.
25. Bruce Lee.
26. Be nice to other people. Even those people who really deserve it.
27. Fingernails just keep on growing. Totally sucks, I know, but it's better than being dead, right?
28. Kids are pretty awesome, except for when they're trying to make you insane.
29. I always assume that if I don't get it at first, then it is awesome. It's worked for me so far.
30. Buddy Holly was pretty bad-A.
31. There is nothing wrong with pretending you have superpowers, just don't start wearing your underwear on the outside of your pants and start punching people for kicks.
32. If you love somebody and they love you too, you're pretty much set. Everything else is gravy.

Hope this helps. Peace.