Make the Cowboy Robots Cry

I've been thinking a lot about the future. You know, jetpacks, silver unitards, teleportation rays. The usual. And one thought struck me so deeply that I just had to share.

See, it's pretty much a given that robots are going to take over some day in the not-too-distant future. Egghead-types call this the technological singularity. I call it "The Day We All Get Enslaved By Killer Appliances." Soon, our iPods will be shuffling us (get it?!) off to the charnel pits or shaving us bald to power their war machines or keeping us dumb and docile so they can feed us to the Morlocks. In any case, it isn't gonna be pretty, but it's inevitable.

It occurred to me that within the next thousand years (or less ... probably less), it's not unlikely that there will be a robot civilization not unlike ours: robot reality shows, robot door-to-door hot dog salesmen, robot hot dogs, robot politicians, robot news anchors (or are they ALREADY HERE!?!), robot game show hosts, robot haberdashers, robot chimney sweeps with thick cockney accents. Black robots, white robots, brown robots, yellow robots, purple robots. There will be robot baseball players, robot accountants, robot mechanics, robot popes (RoboPope? Did I just come up with the best idea ever?), robot astronauts and robot kung fu guys. Robots everywhere, bleeping and blooping forever.

Obviously, I thought about this a lot.

But then I started thinking about the less-fortunate robots? Those who have fallen on hard times or been phased out by technological progress or had their robot home repossessed by robot bankers or corrupt robot mortgage schemes? What about the robot hobos riding the supersonic bullet train rails from shining metropolis to shining metropolis to look for a little work and a can of robo-beans? What will they be called as they sit all sad and rusty, begging for spare power converters in the blazing chrome cities of the future? What would the other robots refer to them as?

"Hobots" sounds like either the robo-race of the main character of a tale told by JRR Robo-Tolkien ("Robo Baggins" maybe?) or, well, a "robot of the night", if you catch my drift (I mean a robot prostitute). "Robos" would probably be a catch-all term in a robot-led society like "people" or "dudes" or "schnauzer" is for us. "Rohos" sounds like some sort of robo-Spanish or what Robo Santa says when he's extra-jolly. "Robovagrant" is too clunky. Perhaps "Robohobos", or is that too clunky as well? "Robum" maybe? This is serious business people: What will the mendicant of the future be called? I have no clue and it's driving me crazy!


Anyway, so long story short: Basically, the future sucks.


jason quinones said...

my thoughts:

•and that's why we should nuke japan...again! they just keep inventing all these crazy robot to do things like sell hondas and junk!

•i'm pretty sure we've had a few easily manipulated and reprogrammable robot presidents in office already.

•robots of all different colors?? kinda makes the prospect of a robot race war sound really cool!

Ryan C. Adams said...

I want to be there the day the future robots receive their DVD of the first season of "Go Bots" from Netflix. I want to ask them if we (humans) captured the essence of robots accurately.

Excellent blog.