A is for "Animavore!"

I eat animals. I eat them for breakfast. I eat them for lunch. I eat them for dinner. I eat them for snacks. They are delicious. Every chance I get, I eat some sor tof animal. And I don't care what Courtnee says, dogs taste good. Like a four-legged chicken. Everybody gets a drumstick!

Some people might be offended by my experiments in cuisine. Those people don't know how many funkalicious meals they are missing. They're too wracked by guilt to consider how their gerbil might taste with some horseradish (pretty good!) or how happy they could be gnawing on a seal bone and toast. "Seals: they're not just for tallow to make candles to light igloos anymore!"

Some jack-o-lanterns (this made-up swear word is copyrighted! Do not steal it!) might take umbrage when I look at their kittens and lick my lips as I describe the juiciest portions and perfect side dishes to them on the subway. Well, those people can go fly kites for all I care! (No seriously, it's a great hobby) Life's too short, you know? I want to make sure when I get up to the pearly gates, when Saint What's-His-Name is recounting my life, he's not going to talk about how much money I made or what sorts of noises I made when I watched The Price Is Right alone. (I really get into Plinko) No, he's going to look at me and say, "Did you really eat an ostrobamarich egg? With radish dressing?" To which I will reply proudly, "Yes. It was ostrobama-licious."

I really don't see what the big deal is, I mean, have you smelled pigs? Now that is a disgusting animal. Dogs smell good. (And taste great with a little ketchup!) Cats are known for their cleanliness. Monkeys ... well they're sort of gross. (But tasty!)

The thing I hate the most about all of this is the constant quizzes whenever I describe my eating habits to people. "Have you had turtle?" Yes. Great with relish. "How about kangaroo?" Yep. Most people think I'm joshing when I say it has a little kick to it. "Would you eat reindeer meat?" You betcha. If it's good enough for Santa Claus, it's good enough for me. That's why I wear this furry red suit (One hundred percent red panda fur. They are salty!) and give random people presents. (Okay, so "presents" is more like "advice on how to properly prepare their pets as meals", but well, teach a man to fish...) Ho ho ho!

The biggest problem I face is the media. If only there were more positive portrayals of animavores on TV or in movies, (or radio plays for you old-timers)I don't think I would be faced with such ridiculous treatment. I mean we all eat animals, I just venture out from under the umbrella of "the Norm" every now and then. And do some of my expeditions in to unknown territory end in something besides victory? Or course. I'll never eat pigeon again. Or anything than waves at me. Xcept for those two things, it's fair game. And I do mean game, all you yellow-tailed zig zags out there. You're going to taste great with some spicy mustard and a Bearnaise sauce.



Today's list via Courtnee whose blog is Top Secret. (Not the movie) And no, I didn't misspell her name. Two "E"' s. Weird, right?

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