Nothing Rhymes With "Hippopotamus"

I stayed home from church with Claire, who has developed a nasty smoker-ish cough. Poor thing. She's trying to quit, but they don't make the patch for babies. [sigh]* It was nice to have spent a large portion of the day with her, though, as I have yet to spend a lot of one-on-one time with her. She's a cute little thing and fun to have around. Even when she's sick.

This brings me to today's dilemma. See, I was changing her diaper when I noticed that her outfit had this little hippopotamus on it. On the hippo's head is a bird. I started thinking, "What do hippos eat?" And realized I had no clue. At all. I mean, I know they live in Africa. I know they live in water and I know they are hungry, hungry, but beyond that, I've got nothing. Do they eat fish? Birds? Plants? Natives? Marbles? Bagels? If so, do they toast them? Creme cheese or butter? I have no clue. Basically, I started freaking out.

Then I started thinking about all the stuff I don't know, not only about hippos (which is, apparently, a lot), but about everything else. What's the difference between the Incas and the Mayans? Which ones ate the hearts? Where does the word "flange" come from? What the heck are "tapas"? Who invented the VCR? Who invented toilet paper? Why was that fake-reggae guy Shaggy ever popular? How many licks does it take to get to the middle of a Tootsie Roll lollipop? And why does it matter? What was the big deal about the DaVinci Code? I read it. It was not that good of a book. Why don't people watch the really good shows? Like Arrested Development or 30 Rock or TJ Hooker? Who buys the Dukes Of Hazzard on DVD? Or the Golden Girls for that matter? Seriously. How do chocolate chip cookies taste so good? They're just eggs and stuff. How can I not know so much stuff?

Then I started hyperventilating. Then I ate a ton of Fun Size Snickers and chilled out. Sitting there, creamy chocolate and nougat and delicious peanuts swirling in my mouth, I came to accept that I can't know everything. I made my peace with my mental limitations. Which doesn't preclude me from learning everything I can, it just takes some pressure off.

And by the way, I looked it up, hippos eat grass. But how do they get so fat from grass?

*I am totally kidding. My four-month-old does not smoke. She has a cold.


Candace said...

We must own the game Hungry, Hungry Hippos. Someday.

Now I'm hungry for a bagel w/ cream cheese.

& thanks for the footnote, I totally couldn't tell you were joking.

Patti said...

Laughter from the peanut gallery, that's all I'm saying. That AND your baby smokes. And that tapas thing. THAT made me laugh, too.

Dylan said...

Seriously, what are tapas? I really think it's a word that wanna-bee hipsters made up to make the rest of us feel stupid. I don't believe they exist. They're like the Roswell crash site of food.

cbhoff said...

By the way, hippos also eat little white plastic balls but only when they're hungry hungry. Ha ha, get it?

Patti said...

Small Spanish appetizers . . . I know you're kidding, but next time you're in Vegas try Firefly or Cafe BaBaReeba (sp?)for great tapas.

And you're right. Foodies took that idea and ran with it . . . it's definitely a gimmick, but a small assorted selection of appetizers is an awesome thing to me.

This post was exceptionally funny.