Selections From the Encyclopedia Of My Vast Knowledge Of Stuff, vol. 36

* Guys with round faces should not grow goatees. Do we really need another reminder that you have a round face? No. No, we don't.

* There are very few things in life that can't be made better by adding a few Oreos.

* I don't care who you are or what deity you pray to, surely you must realize that the Doors are wildly overrated.

* Hey, Starburst: Why even make the yellow ones? Who eats those? Seriously.

* Three words that fill any blue-blooded American boy with joy: Commie. Space. Monkeys. Five words: Commie. Space. Monkeys. With. Jetpacks.