Reasons Why the Internet Is the Coolest There Is

Sometimes you may forget why the the beloved internets is the coolest there is. That's why I created this handy guide that illustrates to you why the internet is cool.

1. The internet teaches you how to defend yourself against creepy people who want to attack you with their fists, feet and teeth.

2. The internet has stuff from cool people like David Byrne, David Byrne, Robert Pollard and Thom Yorke interviewed by David Byrne.

3. The internet allows you to watch Human Giant videos without having "the cable" as you kids are calling it these days.

4. The internet cam teach you a thing or two.

5. On the internet, you can read this article about Michel Gondry's next movie, Be Kind, Rewind, starring Mos Def and Jack Black.

6. You can also look at this site on the internet. And have it terrify you eternally.

7. You can also gaze upon my beautiful progeny and hope that someday you children can be half as cute.

8. You can read all about the greatest movie ever made in the history of cinema which was on Spike TV when we were in Vegas and I watched to see the part where he ripped the other dude's heart out with his bare hand but in actuality that did not happen in the movie and it turns out that I just imagined it happening and I was sad but then realized that in my mind, I could pretend that he actually did rip the dude's heart out and then I was happy. The end.

9. You can also watch this motivational high school graduation speech from Wayne Coyne of the Flaming Lips. Here's Part 1 and here's Part 2. Oh, the places you'll go!

10. Also, the internet exists so you can watch dogfighting, but not that kind of dogfighting. That other kind is rather sad. This is funny. See the difference?

So, there it is, 10 reasons to be grateful the internet exists. Oh, also you can watch the news and get educated about stuff and stuff, and that's great and all, but mostly it's great for that other stuff above.

PS: Did you watch that David Byrne video? Is that genius or what? Man, I love that guy.


jason quinones said...

your journey on the internet isn't complete until you've found out how many 5 year olds you can beat down in a fight! visit the aptly titled:


i could take on 18!!

jason quinones said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Dylan said...

Wow. Nice call. I appears that I can take on 24, count 'em - Twen. Tee. Four. - five-year-olds. So, yeah. I guess that's something to be proud of, right? Right?

Wait, does this mean I can beat you up? Not that I would, but... it's nice to know. Y'know?

Man, I feel so butch right now. Like Swayze in Road House. Only with 100% less sweatpants.

jason quinones said...

i can guarantee i'm a lot stronger than 24 five year olds mr. dylan!!

maybe you'd win but you'd know damn well that you were in a fight!

i don't why i'm assuming this but you probably got the height advantage on me!

or maybe you got karate training??

Dylan said...

Not karate training per se, but I used to watch Walker, Texas Ranger Every. Single. Saturday. Night. 10pm. CBS.

Which explains why I never dated a lot, "back in the day," as the kids are saying these days.

But why are we wasting all this energy fake fighting each other when the real thing we should focus on is how many 5-year-old we can defeat together. It's what Dr. King would want.

jason quinones said...

i'd rather we work together to try and beat up chuck norris!

he owes me money!

Dylan said...

My advice: let it go. Chuck is broke ever since he got addicted to hair plugs and Acme™ beard dye. It's a sad, sad thing.

RubyRed said...

lol, what a crazy quiz, looks like I"ve out beat you! not too bad for a girl... if you kliked that quiz I thought you might klike this other one I found at http://www.quizlee.com/uber-geek - its a quiz on how geeky you are lol... and of course I got 80% - but thats not a bad thing!