Seriously, dude's gotta be like 95 years old, but he looks like he's 15. What is up with that?! And that glassy look Vanna always has in her eyes? She is totally in his vampiric thrall. And why is Wheel Of Fortune travelling all the time? Did Pat suck SoCal dry? On the run from vampire hunters? Did that hobo you had as a snack after lunch ("I'll have the steak... very rare") at the Palm have a family after all? Somebody got a stake with your name on it, Sajak?
Stock up on garlic, buy some crosses, make up a batch of extra-strength holy water and for goodness' sake, don't invite Sajak in! Haven't you seen the Lost Boys? Pat Sajak is going to suck your blood... TONIGHT!
*Title from the Arctic Monkey's hecka-long-titled debut album, Whatever People Say I Am, That's What I'm Not.
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