Them's Good Eats

So as Candace said over on her blog, we went to the zoo yesterday. Unfortunately she... well, she lied a little bit. She does this a lot. Like, all the time.

Yesterday I asked her where babies come from. She told me Sears. So I called Sears, just to see what the going rate was for a baby. In case I wanted another one sometime in the future. You know, so the other ones don't get lonely. The lady (she sounded kind of mean) told me that they didn't sell babies and then got all mad when I asked her if they had layaway and if there was a list I should put my name on for when the next shipment of babies came in and while she was at it, could she check to see if they have any Wii's in stock?

I have to appear in court next Thursday and I still don't know where babies come from.


Maybe I shouldn't have skipped the sixth grade. I knew that would bite me in the butt someday.

Anyway, so she was all "the dinosaurs were animatronic." This is just not true. Those things were real. For really reals. And I have photographic proof! Well, sort of.

See, here's me and Sadie, minding our business on a gorgeous Saturday afternoon and all of a sudden this T-Rex comes out of the brush:

Sadie notices it first. For a huge apex predator those things are remarkably silent. They're like 50-foot tall ninjas.

So we turn around and there he is: Tyrannosaurus Rex, King of the Lizards. Dude is looking at my kid and I'm all, "Oh hecks no, sir. You should seriously consider stepping off. Like. Right. About. Now."

And he keeps glaring at Sadie and I swear he said something anti-Semitic and I have Jewish friends, so I'm all "Oh yeah. Now it is on."

And it was on.

I was all, "Sadie, go stand by your mom. This could get ugly."

It did. Needless to say, those things are just chock full of blood. It was kind of gross, which was probably why Candace didn't take a picture. I can think of no other rational explanation. A few karate kicks to the throat and a swift kick in the you-know-wheres and it was all over.

As I stood over my fallen foe I remembered I was supposed to say something clever like in the movies so I was all, "Who's extinct, now, Rexie? You are. Extinct, that is. As in 'dead'. Yeah. You are. Ex. Tinct. I was like a huge meteor whose impact created a large cloud which made the plants die which made the herbivores die which made you extinct. Only instead of a cloud it was a karate kick and instead of herbivores it was your thingies. Yeah. Nobody messes with my gals, Rex. Nobody."

Yeah, I need to work on that. My banter. It's not that good.

So anyway, tonight we grilled up some dino-steaks. They were tyranno-licious.

The end.


b3n said...

i lol'd. which would have been cool if it didn't come directly during the swallowing of a gulp of soda (man my nose burns. you just got me an "a" for the paper i have to write in english... waitaminute, that's a lie... i'm not even taking english right now. and, bytheway, my "word verification" word is hotmign, which is funny in and of itself.

Anonymous said...

My curiousity got the better of me and I had to click on the 'you-know-wheres' link. Thank goodness it was that harmless previous blog of yours. I don't know what I expected: a naturalist's rendering of a tyranasaurus rex's male parts? Thanks for sparing me, bigredrobot, and for keepin' it clean.

- Chris

chanel said...

Dylan Todd you're my hero! (in the voice of Cameron from Ferris Bueller) You'll have to let Ryan in on some of those moves so he can keep us safe from REAL dinos! Im glad Candace thought better than to take bloody pictures too, oh and sorry she's such a liar.