7.31.2007

"People / Who Read People / Are the Luckiest People In the World"

So People magazine. Who reads this? Seriously, does anybody buy this? Not just flip through it because you're stuck behind an old lady with a fistful of coupons, I mean, does anybody actually purchase and read this magazine? It's a mystery how this stays in print. It's like the fact that N'Sync and the Boy Band Battalion sold bajillions (a rough estimate...) of records, but who bought them? There aren't that many teenage girls (or gender-confused young men) out there to justify these kinds of numbers. Who buys them? Nobody that will cop to it, apparently. Smells like a mystery, Scoob.

Anyway, so this was the cover a while back (last week?). I saw it in line at the grocery store. I did not flip through it. I have standards. The Weekly World News, now that's another story entirely. Where was I? Oh yeah, the cover:

Which got me thinking to myself, "Self, why is Katie so happy?" Well, Self, I'll tell you why: antidepressants. Eat that, Tom Cruise and your couch-jumping crazy eyes. Who's being glib now, Tom? Huh?

Anybody else wanna play? Let's hear why you think Katie's so happy. The winner gets one Big Red Robot No Prize. Let's rock.

6 comments:

b3n said...

Ha Ha Ha. Thank you for the answer to that spellbinding question that I've been relentlessly pondering (at least for five seconds as I saw that cover at the local Albertson's). Tom will be so disappointed in her.

Chanel said...

are you kidding?? well let me just put all your questions to rest b/c I DO flip, and occasionally buy People. (In a weak attempt to reclaim my integrity I am completely innocent of boy band records.)

So katie is happier now because hello, scientology, duh, thats what makes me the happiest.

Patti said...

arrrrrrrgh . . . this is a GREAT post. I completely agree. Unfortunately, I have to confess when I'm taking a long flight I've been known to slither into a newsstand and buy the magazine, but not until I make sure nobody I know is in the store. I wish this wasn't true . . .

Also, I would never have confessed this except for the threat that Caitlin might do it for me . . .

Only on a flight out of town. That's the only time.

One more time, I agree with everything you said.

Jesse said...

$700 Million dollars a year. That's what People rakes in in advertising and subscriptions. A HUGE percentage of that is straight up profit. Not many companies in the WORLD make that much money. 5 million subscribers. That's more subscribers than TIME and Newsweek put together. As sad of a reflection on current US culture as it is, People is an absolute money-making MACHINE. Can't argue with those numbers. Though I am glad I never had to work in their business office (stuck with TIME and Entertainment Weekly, thank you). Would have been way too difficult justifying why Katie Holme's "happiness" or Oprah's latest hairdo or Gweneth's new workout routine is important in any way shape or form to the rest of the world.

huston said...

she's happy because she's mostly made of robot... a robot programmed to imitate the emotion we know as happiness.

any other questions?

Dylan said...

Huston, she's not a robot. I have never seen her at one of our meetings.

Jesse, that is some shocking stuff. Facts and figures and all that jazz. Impressive. I believe none of it.

As far as Katie Holmes-Cruise-Hubbard-Cuckoo-Phalanx5's happiness, I have another two words: "Stockholm Syndrome."