7.01.2007

Fidel Weeps For You, Cuba

Cuba Gooding Jr., what is your problem? Dude has an Oscar somewhere in his house. He's been in some good films: Boyz In Da Hood, As Good As It Gets, Jerry Maguire, A Few Good Men. He's worked with Robert DeNiro (on Men Of Honor) and Nicholson (twice!), fer cryeye. To see this man when he is on is a thing of beauty. Remember how electrifying he was in Jerry Maguire? By all accounts, he is a good actor.

So why can't he consistently pick decent scripts?

Now I know that Hollywood is a tough place for a brotha, but come on. Snow Dogs? Boat Trip? Radio? And to top it all off, Gooding will be starring in the sequel nobody - not even brain-damaged monkeys playing in their own filth - asked for: Daddy Day Camp.

Seriously people, this is some dreadful stuff. Allow me to give you some advice, Cuba: if Eddie Murphy says "no," that is a red flag. A big one. Put the script down. Run away from it if possible. It is poison. The man made A Vampire In Brooklyn. He is not someone you want the leftovers from. Do not, I repeat DO NOT pick up a project that Eddie has passed on. Please, Cuba. Do it for the children.

Daddy Day Camp is the sequel to Daddy Day Care which had Steve Zahn in it so it was probably a little better than it should have been. That said, it's terrible. It was on one night and I watched a few minutes of it and... well, I went blind for a week and could only repeat the word "no" over and over. It was pretty traumatic. In the sequel, approximately no one, including the gaffers, from the original agreed to come back. Not Murphy. Not Zahn. Not that fat guy from that one show with that one guy. You know. That one guy.

This is not a good sign.

It is also directed by Fred Savage. Yes. This Fred Savage. Wonder Years Fred Savage. Seriously, did somebody get a bullhorn for Hanukkah and decide he'd give directing a shot?

Not that former child stars can't direct. I mean, the Opie kid's done alright (though there's a continual debate whenever you get me and my dad together on the merits of Ron Howard. "He's a craftsman, not an artist. He's basically a plumber with a camera. He does good work, solid work... but it's not art." Such is my official stance on the cinema of Opie... but that's another post entirely)

Seriously, though. This movie looks terrible. It makes Ernest Goes To Camp look like friggin' Chinatown. Don't believe me? The Prosecution calls YouTube to the stand.

By now you're dry-heaving. Let it out. You'll feel better.

Cuba, to quote my boys in Franz Ferdinand, "You could have it so much better." I know a man's gotta eat, but if it comes down to doing this stuff for money, maybe you can just order off the dollar menu every now and then. Maybe you can only get the 50 foot yacht this time. Please. You'll feel better when you look in the mirror. That Oscar won't be standing on that mantle with those accusing eyes anymore. You can sleep in peace without flashbacks of Home On the Range tormenting you. Do it for Fidel. Do it for the children. Do it for your soul.

2 comments:

b3n said...

oh cuba. when i first saw that snow dogs was coming out, i thought it must be a re release from years past. alas, it wasn't, and that was the last time i cared about cuba. dylan, you gotta let it go, man. there's no use in taxing that heart of yours any more. let him walk the paths he chooses to walk. he's on his own now. our little cuba is all grown up.

b3n said...

never mind, i just saw the trailer. WHAT DID WE DO TO YOU CUBA?