I know it's sort of easy to bag on that most hilarious of haircuts - the mullet - but I had an interesting thought today: Do you think that mullet people know they have a mullet or is there a degree of mullet denial involved?
When they go to their stylist do they say:
"Give me the #13... y'know... the mullet." Or is it more like the following exchange:
"Just take a little off the top. I like the back long. Like that Billy Ray Cyrus guy."
"You mean a mullet?"
"What? No! Are you crazy? Just short on top and long in the back."
"So... not a mullet. Just short on top and long on the sides and back?"
"Yes. Exactly. You know: 'Business up front. Party in the back.'?"
"And how is that not a mullet?"
"Mullets are... I dunno. Just different. Longer in the back maybe? Didn't you learn this at the barber college? Yeesh."
"Okay. Whatever. You're a lousy tipper anyway."
So kids, what did we learn today? Well, if your hair is long in the back and short in the front it is, in fact, a mullet, despite whatever delusional state you may find yourself in. It is a mullet. As the poet Wesley Willis once said:
Do something about your long, filthy hair
It looks like a rat's nest
Do something about your mullet
Get out the hair clippers, jerk.
- from masterpiece "Cut the Mullet" found on his Greatest Hits album
The first step is admitting you have a problem. Mullets are hideous. Hilarious, but hideous. They are a disease, but there is a cure. It's called a normal haircut. I'm sure there's some sort of mullet support group for you to join. Do it for the children. Do it for Wesley Willis. Make the world a better place:
Cut the mullet.